Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Scenes From An Internet-less Life

Oh, sweet baby Jesus, the cold, dark suffering. Everything is bleak. Everything is mushy and grey. All is lost. I am forsaken by a cruel and unfeeling God. My internet... my secret lover... she is out. Here's what I've been doing to keep myself busy while jobless and detached from the rest of the world...

-Yesterday, I ate a quart of low quality hummus mixed with a pint of cheap bourbon and sprinkled with little candy hearts left over from a Valentine's Day long past. It tasted horrible, like a drunk Middle Eastern man stabbing me in the tongue with a blade made from hateful sugar, but the after-effects knocked me unconscious for three hours and, thus, I killed three hours in a dip-induced alcoholic coma. In these troubled times, that's known as "a win."

-I've been teaching our cat to dance to "Greensleeves" while I accompany it on the pennywhistle. It has not gone well. The cat is uncooperative and I am covered with many, many scratches. Still, I will have made a classic YouTube video before too long. The cat will bend to my will.

-Reenacting scenes from The Office? Of course! Doing so poorly, drunkenly, and with too much make-up? Er... yes. Violating many, many copyright, FCC, and intellectual copyright laws by broadcasting these reenactments over their airwaves using a homemade satellite? I admit to nothing!!! (but yes)

-The cat and I have started a fight club. My win/loss record is unimpressive (2-34), but I feel that I'm gaining knowledge and experience as well as some very deep bone contusions that will never properly heal. The cat... he will break me. Seriously, he keeps saying that. It's creepy.

-Wearing a sheet with two eye-holes cut out, I've been "haunting" my neighbors. I creep around their apartments and make spooky sounds! And I steal a lot of their stuff, too. Most of my neighbors aren't home during the day, so I guess it's not really "haunting" so much as it is "breaking and entering." My neighbors have a lot of nice stuff. And it's all mine!

-Mostly, I've just been hanging out with our cat. He's a good conversationalist, but he cheats at cards. And... um... he's got mouse-breath. Still though, we're basically BFF for life. Or until the internet comes back on. Then fuck him.


Blogger Todd said...

There's a pussy joke somewhere in this post and it's killing me that I haven't been able to find it.

8:20 PM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Didn't the cat tell you?

Rule #1 - You don't talk about fight club.

I'd hate to read that he scratched your testicles off for betraying Project Mayhem.

8:59 PM  
Anonymous Jason said...

RE: Todd's comment

Best thing about being jobless - you get to spend all your time thinking about pussy.


Nothing like a good pussy to keep you entertained.

9:00 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

There’s always puppetry and mime.

9:53 PM  
Blogger Pearl said...

Does your cat know mine, Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys)? I had to bail her out just a couple months ago.

That cat cannot hold her sake.


10:57 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

Despite what everyone else may tell you, it's ok for your cat to be your BFF. When I was unemployed for two, long, months, my two cats and I pretty much became BFF and that is why they love me more than my boyfriend, which is obviously important.

10:45 AM  

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