Scenes From An Internet-less Life
-Yesterday, I ate a quart of low quality hummus mixed with a pint of cheap bourbon and sprinkled with little candy hearts left over from a Valentine's Day long past. It tasted horrible, like a drunk Middle Eastern man stabbing me in the tongue with a blade made from hateful sugar, but the after-effects knocked me unconscious for three hours and, thus, I killed three hours in a dip-induced alcoholic coma. In these troubled times, that's known as "a win."
-I've been teaching our cat to dance to "Greensleeves" while I accompany it on the pennywhistle. It has not gone well. The cat is uncooperative and I am covered with many, many scratches. Still, I will have made a classic YouTube video before too long. The cat will bend to my will.
-Reenacting scenes from The Office? Of course! Doing so poorly, drunkenly, and with too much make-up? Er... yes. Violating many, many copyright, FCC, and intellectual copyright laws by broadcasting these reenactments over their airwaves using a homemade satellite? I admit to nothing!!! (but yes)
-The cat and I have started a fight club. My win/loss record is unimpressive (2-34), but I feel that I'm gaining knowledge and experience as well as some very deep bone contusions that will never properly heal. The cat... he will break me. Seriously, he keeps saying that. It's creepy.
-Wearing a sheet with two eye-holes cut out, I've been "haunting" my neighbors. I creep around their apartments and make spooky sounds! And I steal a lot of their stuff, too. Most of my neighbors aren't home during the day, so I guess it's not really "haunting" so much as it is "breaking and entering." My neighbors have a lot of nice stuff. And it's all mine!
-Mostly, I've just been hanging out with our cat. He's a good conversationalist, but he cheats at cards. And... um... he's got mouse-breath. Still though, we're basically BFF for life. Or until the internet comes back on. Then fuck him.