Friday Morning Hodgepodge

That horrible (I assume) pseudo-goth movie Twilight opens this weekend... if you live near large groups of tweens, you're probably already deaf from the squealing... and keeping that in mind, I'd like to dedicate this Hodgepodge to my old friend Laurie. I don't think she actually reads this blog or anything, but she DOES run a movie theater up in the Chicago area and I know they're mostly just screening said flick this weekend and I imagine it's going to look a lot like the mall scenes in Dawn of the Dead only with more frantic texting of comments such as, "OMG so cuuuuute! wish he would bite me 4-eva!!!!" Or however the kids are talking these days. I don't really keep up with the hip slang. Or the unhip slang, for that matter. Not much of a slang person when you get right down to it... I mean, I'll throw out an ironic "homeslice" every now and again, and I'll admit that I use the term "dude" way more than should be allowed by the constraints of human decency, but... I don't know... I've always considered that to be just one of the facets in the drunken prism of my shabby hobo charm.

ANYWAY, Laurie... we're all thinking of you and praying to our respective Gods and we'll sit by the phone in case you need to be airlifted out of there stat (have I mentioned that Girlfriend and I bought a helicopter? well, Girlfriend and I bought a helicopter).

Remember: aim for the head.

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I am SO glad there wasn't any of this "ooh, I'm a vampire look at me in a my black clothes and pale make-up but hurry because my mom's making Shake N' Bake and I gotta be home by six" bullshit when I was in high school. I mean, I had to put up with the "Korn Kids" but mostly they spent their time applying eyeliner and ripping up stuffed animals to hang on their backpacks (what was THAT all about?). They were harmless and that one Korn song with the video that had the bullet traveling in super slo-mo blowing shit up all high-speed photography style... that was an okay song. Not anything to add to that mixtape you made for Becky or whatever (unless Becky is a Korn Kid, I guess), but you know, decent enough.

But yeah, if I'd had to deal with kids thinking they were "creatures of the night," as it were, while roaming the halls of AHS, I think I might have a very different perspective today on my days spent there. Because, as it stands, I feel like I'm one of the people I know that actually enjoyed high school. Sorry, but I had a good time (which was sadly reflected in my GPA). And I didn't need fake fangs I bought at Spencer's Gifts and Sharpie-markered combat boots with a hundred buckles to do it. Good clean fun, I had, the kind that comes in red plastic Solo cups and from sneaking home with your girlfriend during off-campus lunch to any empty house and a world of possibilities.

That's the American way, dammit!!! Not hanging out at the Waffle House talking about "the dark mysterious one" and the "crimson kiss of rubies" or whatever the fuck . Fucking vampire teens... I swear...

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In non-vampire teen news...

Um...

Oh, for fuck's sake, don't tell me that's ALL I have to talk about today!!! Do you see how the rise of vampirism in our nation's youth is ruining lives? They've got my brain all irritated and tweaked and, sitting here now, that's all I can think about. Ugh. I want to smack them in the back of the head with one of those long strings of roped garlic that you see in Italian delis.

SEE! They're making me violent and I am not a violent person.

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Oh, okay, here's something else... Steve Martin was on 30 Rock last night. That was nice. I like Steve Martin. I wish he would stop doing shitty I-just-need-a-paycheck movies like The Pink Panther and that one with Queen Latifah that looked like a bucket of sassy barf, but still. He's generally quite funny and it was good to see him in Primetime television.

He did not at any point during the show play a vampire. And for that, he will win an Emmy.