Canned Cheeseburgers Are Gross (Probably)

Yep, it's a real thing; an idea, incidentally, that Girlfriend had over a year ago (she called them "can-wiches"). We are so going to sue their Alps-lovin' asses! Granted, the only proof we have is my testamony, but still... I think we've got a shot. Who wouldn't believe a handsome, well-dressed man such as myself? No one, that's who. Anyway, since it's not our product... for the moment, at least... here's:

Everything Wrong With A Cheeseburger In A Can

No customization - Personally, I'm not a fan of lettuce. If I were going to get cheeseburgers in a can, I'd want them without lettuce. And extra mustard. Because I loooove mustard. Do you, European Rip-Off Company, offer your canned cheeseburgers without lettuce and with extra mustard? No... no you don't. You Swiss bastards.

Metal taste - If a cheeseburger sits in a can for up to twelve months, won't it start to taste exactly like the can? I mean, when you put whiskey into oak barrels, that's what happens, and I've always said that cheeseburgers are the whiskey that you can eat, so... just sayin'... you're going to have metallic-tasting food with these things. It'll be like tea-bagging the Tin Man.

Bad jokes- This product is leaving itself open to thousands of lousy "Hey... nice cans!!!" jokes. And nobody wants to eat food from a sad person's desperate cry for attention. Also, there's a lot of play to be had with "meat in the can"-style humor, if that's to your particular comedic taste.

Soggy buns - No way that shit's bakery fresh. It's not even heroin-den fresh. It's more like busted-septic-tank-in-a-Bosnian-backwater fresh. Also, I bet there's no option for a wheat bun.

Salmonella - Lots of it. That's practically the main condiment.

There's probably a lot more things wrong with the cheeseburger in a can, but I don't have time to list them all. I have an opening argument to write.