Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Canned Cheeseburgers Are Gross (Probably)



Yep, it's a real thing; an idea, incidentally, that Girlfriend had over a year ago (she called them "can-wiches"). We are so going to sue their Alps-lovin' asses! Granted, the only proof we have is my testamony, but still... I think we've got a shot. Who wouldn't believe a handsome, well-dressed man such as myself? No one, that's who. Anyway, since it's not our product... for the moment, at least... here's:

Everything Wrong With A Cheeseburger In A Can

No customization - Personally, I'm not a fan of lettuce. If I were going to get cheeseburgers in a can, I'd want them without lettuce. And extra mustard. Because I loooove mustard. Do you, European Rip-Off Company, offer your canned cheeseburgers without lettuce and with extra mustard? No... no you don't. You Swiss bastards.

Metal taste - If a cheeseburger sits in a can for up to twelve months, won't it start to taste exactly like the can? I mean, when you put whiskey into oak barrels, that's what happens, and I've always said that cheeseburgers are the whiskey that you can eat, so... just sayin'... you're going to have metallic-tasting food with these things. It'll be like tea-bagging the Tin Man.

Bad jokes- This product is leaving itself open to thousands of lousy "Hey... nice cans!!!" jokes. And nobody wants to eat food from a sad person's desperate cry for attention. Also, there's a lot of play to be had with "meat in the can"-style humor, if that's to your particular comedic taste.

Soggy buns - No way that shit's bakery fresh. It's not even heroin-den fresh. It's more like busted-septic-tank-in-a-Bosnian-backwater fresh. Also, I bet there's no option for a wheat bun.

Salmonella - Lots of it. That's practically the main condiment.

There's probably a lot more things wrong with the cheeseburger in a can, but I don't have time to list them all. I have an opening argument to write.

7 Comments:

Blogger Irish and Jew said...

I think the soggyness would be my main concern... although we wont know until we eat 15 of them. Lets get started now!

-J

1:59 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I'll bring the beer and the number of the nearest hospital.

2:01 PM  
Blogger Hex said...

The pop-top is the part that gets me. It looks like a can of cat food. Have the people over at icanhascheezburger.com seen this?

Because doesn't that mean the answer can now be "yes"?

3:59 PM  
Anonymous girlfriend said...

The Swedes may have taken my idea...But they can't take the advertising jingle I thought up:

You wanna eat, and you got the itch/Have a can, have a can, have a can-Canwich!

And then in the commercial the Can-wiches would all have legs and be doing the can-can.

Man, I was robbed.

4:09 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Hex... I'll sue them, too! I'LL SUE EVERYBODY!!!

Girlfriend... See, we've even got a catchy jingle on our side. Our case is air-tight, baby!!!

4:17 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

"I've always said that cheeseburgers are the whiskey that you can eat"

I'm willing to bet you never said that until this post.

4:40 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I say that all the time when I'm talking about cheeseburgers. I'm always like, "You know, cheeseburgers are the whiskey that you can eat." Like, it's practically my catchphrase.

There. I win. ME!!!

4:42 PM  

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