An Index Of My Various Pains

Knee - Yesterday, while venturing out for more cough medicine and some beer (I was going to mix up a little cocktail I like to call, "Sad"), I somehow managed to hang the toe of my shoe on the curb as I crossed the street. I came down hard on my right knee... fatty go boom. My knee's all banged up, an artist's palate of colors, and every time I move it, it feels like someone has coated the joint in steel wool and tin foil and a textile version of the sound that's made when you drag a rusty hunting knife across the door of an old El Camino. Let this be a lesson to all of you: If you're fat, don't fall down. Ever. For one thing, you'll look like Shamu doing a belly-flop at Sea World and children and the elderly alike will laugh at you so hard that they spit out their candy and false teeth, respectively. But mainly, you shouldn't fall down while being fat because the weight of your mass will only make the injury worse. It's like if you got shot with a bullet that also had a tiny gun on it that could shoot more bullets once it's inside your body. Yep... it's exactly like that.

Gum Line - I've got this canker sore at the part where the gum meets the lip right over my upper bicuspid. It hurts to smile, it hurts to eat, it would probably hurt to drink if I drank anything other than alcohol, which numbs it and numbs me and disinfects the wound and runs for President and makes waffles and goddamn alcohol is so fucking cool, it's like it's from another dimension where pleasure rules and bad feelings are farted into outer space to burn up in the atmosphere. Anyway, this canker sore is lame-ass and it makes me feel like my mouth is giving me the finger.

Chest - It's full of mucus, so every time I breath in, it sounds like a guy with maracas falling down an open sewer pipe and landing on a pile of rattlesnakes that are really into rain sticks. It's especially noticeable when I'm laying down, which makes sleep an ordeal on par with getting a bear hug from The Blob. In so much as The Blob is a big wad of smothering crap; I'm not saying that my chest mucus dissolves me like acid from another planet. Though I guess it could be of martian origins... the truth is out there, after all, or at least it is according to my nerdiest of nerd fantasies. Mulder and me fighting aliens while Scully looks on and says, "Hey big boy, you wanna see an Unidentified Flying Vagina?"

Lip - Girlfriend and I were engaging in some pretty rowdy foolin' around the other day and, during it's course, she kinda ended up biting my lip. It hurts, but it hurts awesome!