Award-Winning Oscar Nominations Coverage

You might think it impossible to accurately present award-winning coverage and commentary of the Academy Awards nominations, seeing as how I've only seen three of the movies out of the twenty or so that are up for the various major categories. However, you're forgetting one thing... I have a blog, thus I have opinions, and dammit, those opinions don't need to be informed to be heard! That's basically what blogs are all about. Doye, I thought you knew that. Anyway, let's... oh, wait, my mistake... some blogs are also about displaying pornography. Sorry, just wanted to make that clear. Okay, let's get on with it, shall we...

Best Original Screenplay

Diablo Cody - Juno
Nancy Oliver - Lars and the Real Girl
Tony Gilroy - Michael Clayton
Brad Bird, etc. - Ratatouille
Tamara Jenkins - The Savages

Alright, first things first, you can cross of Nancy Oliver. Every review that I read of Lars and the Real Girl said it was "kinda cute, I guess... what else is on," so I think we can all assume that it's inclusion on this short list was some sort of book-keeping goof. Also, Ratatouille? Really? I mean, it was pleasant enough, but I don't know if I'd flat-out call it an Oscar-worthy film. I guess I just like my movies about rat swarms to include some gory murders, like in Willard. Anyway, Michael Clayton is probably too much like a book you buy at the airport to read on a plane, and only six people saw The Savages (even though it had a cool poster done by Chris Ware), so I think we can safely say that the prize goes to Diablo Cody, whom if I'm not mistaken is the daughter of Iron Eyes Cody, the crying Indian from the 70's anti-litter ads. Right? No? She was a stripper? Wow... okay, I'm taking off my pants...

Best Adapted Screenplay

Christopher Hampton - Atonement
Sarah Polley - Away From Her
Ronald Harwood - The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
The Coen Brothers - No Country For Old Men
Paul Thomas Anderson - There Will Be Blood

The Coen Brothers should win because it's really nice to see two brothers getting along so well together. Also, No Country For Old Men was neat-o. But, for the sake of argument, let's briefly look at the other contenders: Christopher Hampton won't win because Atonement looks like a boring chick flick about love and cooties and whatnot. Sarah Polley should just be happy she got out of the mall full of zombies for long enough to write anything, much less an Oscar-winning screenplay. Ronald Harwood's movie was in French, so who cares. Paul Thomas Anderson is pretty cool, but everything I've heard about this movie has been regarding Daniel Day-Lewis kicking ass, not about the screenplay, which leads me to believe that Anderson didn't even do anything. He probably just said, "Hey, Mr. Mohicans, just make up some crap and we'll turn the camera on." Yeah, that's probably what happened.

Best Supporting Actress

Cate Blanchett - I'm Not There
Ruby Dee - American Gangster
Amy Ryan - Gone, Baby, Gone
Saoirse Ronan - Atonement
Tilda Swinton - Michael Clayton

Here we have the first of two Ah, They're Old, Let's Give Them A Nod And Maybe Some Pudding nominations (that would be for Ruby Dee, who at last count was eleventy-billion years old); she'll probably be in bed before the ceremony even starts, so we don't need to worry about her. This Amy Ryan lady was apparently really awesome, and I heard she swears a lot in the movie, which is always cool in my book, but probably not cool with the Academy squares. The one with the weird name is like thirteen, so we can cross her off because she's not Tatum O'Neil. And Tilda Swinton is so pale she looks like one of those things from Cocoon after it shed it's human skin. So that leaves Blanchett, who plays a dude. Playing a dude if you're a chick is pretty much like a having a gift certificate good for 1 Free Oscar. Playing a dude if you're a dude won't really get you very far. Take me for example; I've been a dude playing a dude for years. Nothing. Not even a Critic's Choice award, and they give those out at stoplights in Hollywood. Whatever, I don't even care.

Best Supporting Actor

Casey Affleck - The Assassination of Jesse James...
Javier Bardem - No Country For Old Men
Phillip Seymour Hoffman - Charlie Wilson's War
Hal Holbrook - Into The Wild
Tom Wilkinson - Michael Clayton

Hal Holbrook is the other old person who's getting an Oscar nomination because he's old. Sure, I heard he was good in Into The Wild, but still... old. Oooh, so how pissed do you think Ben Affleck's going to be when he finds out his younger brother got an acting nomination before him? I mean, yeah, he's already got an actual Oscar for writing, but come on... writers are nerds. Being an actor is way cooler, so I'll bet he's going to be soooo pissed. I bet Casey Affleck tries to mack it with Jennifer Garner now, and I bet he totally scores. I guess it really doesn't matter in the end though because Javier Bardem has already got this one tucked into his tasteful man-bag. He was so fucking scary in No Country For Old Men, the Academy is going to give him the Oscar just so he doesn't show up at their houses and make them call heads or tails.

Best Actress

Cate Blanchette - Elizabeth: First Blood Part 2
Julie Christie - Away From Her
Marion Cotillard - La Vie En Rose
Ellen Page - Juno
Laura Linney - The Savages

See, I'm torn here. Ellen Page and Laura Linney are both just smokin', but for two different reasons... Page because she's all hipster and gorgeous and looks like she could probably talk to you about records while wearing one of your dress shirts. And Linney is like that one English teacher you had in high school who you thought, just maybe, if you had the balls to ask... anyway, I don't know which one I want to win more, and neither does my penis. I guess it's kind of a moot point anyway, because Julie Christie and this Marion Cotillard person have been duking it out all awards season, so it'll probably be one of them. Oh, and can you fucking believe they made a sequel to Elizabeth? That movie was so boring, I actually fell asleep in the theater! No shit, and I stayed awake through the entire, four-hour Russian version of Solaris this one time, which was no easy feat, let me tell you. So yeah, let's make a sequel to a movie so boring, it makes dead people wish they were alive so they could kill themselves.

Best Actor

Daniel Day-Lewis - There Will Be Blood
George Clooney - Michael Clayton
Johnny Depp - Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Tommy Lee Jones - In The Valley Of Elah
Viggo Mortenston - Eastern Promises

Yeah, Daniel Day-Lewis is going to win this one. Also, how hot is this list of actors? You've got serious, British hot (D-DL), you've got classic movie star hot (GC), you've got weird, goth-y nerd hot (JD), you've got grizzled cowboy hot (TLJ), and then, as a palate cleanser, you've got chiseled, ugly hot who's not afraid to whip out the wang while killing people (VM). If they show all these dudes on the screen at one time, every woman in American is going to kill their husband or boyfriend for not being up to the ridiculously high standards of the Academy who, turns out, are all total horndogs. By the way, Sweeny Todd was the last of the three nominated movies that I've seen and, for the record, Depp was just totally kick-ass in it.

Best Director

The Coen Brothers - No Country For Old Men
Paul Thomas Anderson - There Will Be Blood
Julian Schnabel - The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Jason Reitman - Juno
Tony Gilroy - Michael Clayton

Julian Schnabel is all, "Oooh, I'm an artist, I only make movies when I'm not doing my paintings, which is all I really care about, fart fart fart!!!" So fuck him. Tony Gilroy and his little lawyer movie are good, I'm sure, but eh. Jason Reitman directed a comedy, thus it's a fucking miracle on par with the 1980 USA victory over the Russians at Lake Placid that we're even talking about him at all. Paul Thomas Anderson's initials are PTA, which is just silly. So that leaves us with the Coen Brothers. Such nice boys. I hope they win, because I bet it would make their mom really proud. Julian Schnabel probably doesn't even talk to his mom because it's "not what an artist does." Jerkwad. Jerkwad Schnabel, that's his new name.

Best Picture

No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood
Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton

Okay, you can cross off Juno and Michael Clayton right away. A comedy won't win because it's a comedy and the little lawyer movie won't win because only like thirty people saw it, plus lawyers are so boring they should be in Elizabeth 3: Let's Get Legal, Y'all. Of the three remaining, you could probably count out Atonement because it's all froo-froo, lovey-dovey, and it's about war and we're all sick of that right about now. So it really comes down to two movies that are really depressing and feature bad men doing bad things to other people. At least No Country For Old Men has that; I assume There Will Be Blood does too. I mean, it says right there in the title that there's going to be some blood, so... you know... there better be, or America can sue for false advertising. It's true, I looked it up (not really). In the end, though, the Oscar goes to No Country For Old Men because it's the only one I've seen out of the five. And, as we all know, I have the best taste ever. Why would I have seen it if it weren't the best picture out there? Exactly, I wouldn't have.