Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Things I Wanted To Stick Down My Pants While Walking To Work In The Heat

-A large, intricately-carved ice sculpture of a swan

-50 cherry-flavored Popsicles

-That expensive, "date night" bottle of vodka that's been in your freezer, unopened, for three years now because you can never get a woman to come back with you to your apartment

-Fudgy The Whale

-A trunkful of frozen salmon that "fell of the back of a truck" somewhere outside of Newark

-Linda Evans' frosty performance as Krystal Carrington in Dynasty

-Antarctica, which seems like it would be too big, but keep in mind that you've never seen the infinite expanse of my pants

-My father's idea of affection (Daddy... why won't you love me???)

-A copy of Hans Christian Anderson's immortal classic, "The Snow Queen"

-Um... something else that's cold, I guess. Look, it's hot outside; cut me some slack. Some icy, icy slack.


Blogger Colleen said...

What, no Cookie Puss?

1:16 PM  
Anonymous David said...

Have you ever thought of buying a car with air-conditioning like normal people? It would not only keep you cool but you wouldn’t have to walk.

1:25 PM  
Blogger Sally Tomato said...

On a separate, but related topic: which of the Carvel ice cream cake was the one from outer space? Was it Cookie Puss or did he have a friend? I seem to remember someone beeping and talking in a weird robot voice. My brother and I have $5 on this, so any help would be great.

1:26 PM  
Blogger stewpid said...

I'm sending you some cool air from here!!!

Don't you hate it when people say that? You're like thanks, jerkoff, for absolutely nothing and for making a stupid little joke when I am freaking miserable and cranky and hot. I am sending you a big punch in the penis!!!!

1:29 PM  
Blogger stewpid said...

Sally, it was Spacemano. Can I have the $5 now? Hurry.

1:30 PM  
Blogger Braden said...

Whenever I overheat (as happens often since I started The Change), I find a browser-full of Chilly Willy's Sub-Arctic World usually soothes my fiery nethers.

1:54 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

I have it on good advice that Sharper Image sells a crotch cooling device called the Breeze Below. They don't put it out on the shelves of the store because too many people were trying it out in the store and that just led to problems and lawsuits. You have to go up to a salesperson and ask to see it.

2:23 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

This is what you need.

5:51 PM  

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