Friday, July 27, 2007

NASA: An Agency In Crisis

Seems NASA has found itself in a bit of a pickle. Two separate reports were uncovered yesterday: One containing allegations of Astronauts being drunk before flying the space shuttle, and another claiming that a NASA employee had sabotaged a computer destined for the International Space Station. Unfortunately, the troubles for NASA don't end there. For years now, ZFS! has had undercover reporters working deep inside the NASA organization (they've been disguised as moon rocks); with these recent issues coming to light, we feel it's our journalistic duty to report to you, the people of America, our findings:

Thing's Uncovered In ZFS!'s Investigation of NASA

-Every package of Tang that the consumer buys has, at one time or another, had an Astronaut's balls in it. It started out as a practical joke, but somehow it has evolved into a matter of company policy.

-We did, in fact, land on the Moon. However, every press conference ever given by NASA has been faked in a warehouse out in the Nevada desert.

-Mars needs women.

-The US Government knows about alien lifeforms on other planets. We're just not talking to them right now. Because they know what they did, that's why, and until we get an apology, they can go fuck right off.

-You know Saturn? Yeah... Saturn is awesome. It's got, like... rings and shit. Rings!

-Neil Armstrong isn't just the first man to walk on the moon. He's also the first man to shit his pants and break down sobbing because he's "so fucking scared that the space ooglie-booglies will get [him]" on the moon.

-Never, ever accept an Astronaut's offer of a drink they call "The Stinky Sputnik."

-When you see a wide shot of Mission Control and it looks like everyone is hard at work doing important, space-related computer stuff... yeah, odds are, all the employees are just checking their MySpace pages. (Most Common Profiles In NASA Employee's Top 8: All the planets)

-A special, multi-billion dollar anti-gravity chamber was built in a secret bunker far below the Earth's surface for one reason: So that Astronauts can practice taking a zero-G dump. It's very tricky, especially after the NASA Commissary's taco night.

-Yeah, NASA's full of geeks. But those geeks are constantly fucking. Constantly. We're still not sure how anything gets done.

12 Comments:

Blogger Midwesterner in NYC said...

spinning head... words... nasa

11:53 AM  
Anonymous highonmoxie said...

those bastards know exactly what they did.

trying to implant chips into everyone's head that would play nickelback everytime someone said potato is just cruel. and they KNEW it.

NOOO! STOP SAYING POTATO!

12:25 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

ah. some classic ZFS today. love it. also, you're from texas. remember how it's a state law that you have to go to the houston space center once a year and buy that nasty freeze dried ice cream? who knew we could've been getting drunk instead of eating neopolitan chalk.

12:30 PM  
Blogger Jonathan T said...

You know that dork in the corner at Mission Control who still wears a pocket protector, glasses with tape, and loves the bean burritos in the commissary? He's responsible for naming Uranus.
Nuff said.

12:34 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

OMG!!!

Sister Kisser®™©™ just played The NASA Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland last week!

12:56 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

No wonder Tang has that "tangy" flavor!

1:15 PM  
Blogger Mr. Shain said...

this douche blythe and i went to high school with now works for NASA... when i heard this story, it all clicked. drunk astronauts, douche highschool friend, makes sense now.

1:26 PM  
Blogger Midwestern Gal said...

Let's not forget they also encourage the use of adult diapers instead of taking pit stops on road trips...bet those are some fun summer family vacations.

2:00 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

NASA can suck it.

Seriously, they make my job a living hell when there's a launch or landing.

Hey!

That's Sister Kissing's title of an album. [Launch and Landing]

2:58 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Midwesterner... Hair of the dog, my man. Hair of the dog.

Moxie... God, the truth is even more terrifying than I imagined.

Blythe... Ugh, yes. I can't tell you how much of that crud I ate as a kid. Not to mention the horror of freeze-dried strawberries. Blech, I need to wash my mouth out with liquor just thinking about it.

Jonathan... You said, "Uranus." Heh... heh...

Lioux... Now, Lioux... come clean.. .was it Sister Kisser that gave those astronauts all that liquor??? You rock n' roll types are just the living end!

Brooklyn Gal... That tangy flavor? Why, it's BALLS!!!

Mr. Shain... He must have gotten hired during their Douche Employment Drive back in 2004.

Gal Gotham... They're also great for just hanging around the house.

Big Daddy... Well, thats what you get for taking a job as a shuttle-launch party caterer.

4:05 PM  
Blogger d said...

nasa has completely confirmed whatever fantasies i had about what really goes on at 'space' camp.

4:43 PM  
Blogger stewpid said...

how come after reading this I had a craving for Tang?

11:21 AM  

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