Thursday, May 10, 2007

Arby's: An Adventure In Grossness

One thing that I learned early on in Girlfriend and I's relationship is that Girlfriend loves Arby's. Not to a scary degree or anything; she doesn't have a roast-beef sandwich tattoo (that I'm aware of anyway), but still. The girl loves her Arby's and I'm honestly okay with this. We all have our weird, fast food cravings and, being as how I've carried on torrid, emotionally-damaging affairs with, at various times, Whataburger, In-N-Out, Taco Bell and, for one shameful summer, Chik-Fil-A, I've clearly no room to talk.

This, of course, doesn't change the fact that Arby's is, according to a Government-sponsored scientific survey that involved beakers and at least one microscope, totally gross. Again, I'm not bad-talking people that eat there; I've put away a few Beef N' Cheddars in my day and I'm also well acquainted with the concept of "Horsey Sauce." However, with that being said, there's no denying that Arby's is and always will be one of the nastier fast food establishments in our great nation. The meat is grey, people! GREY!!!

Anyhoo, I bring this up because, for a long time, Girlfriend has been unable to get her Arby's fix due to the fact that we live in the 5 Burroughs where there are no Arby's to be found and, also, we don't have a car to take us to a place (New Jersey) where the Arby's are plentiful. Understandably, this has made Girlfriend damn despondent. Not helping matters, she's been subjected repeatedly to the Arby's commercials that run in our area, despite the fact that we are an Arby's-less community. It's tantamount to torture (if you have a small, watered-down concept of torture, granted), and there's been absolutely nothing that we could do about it.

Until now.

Yes, the day has come: Arby's has come to town, it's arms open and ready to embrace us all with it's slightly-skanky good(ish)ness. Specifically, the new Arby's is located in the Manhattan Mall and yesterday, Girlfriend and I went to check it out.

The Manhattan Mall, if you've never been before, is the pretty much like any other mall you'd find in the rest of the country, which is to say that it's packed with teenagers and it chokes to death a little piece of your soul for every twenty minutes that you spend within it's walls. Oh, but I kid the large conglomeration of retail establishments! As far as malls go, I've certainly seen worse; it appeared as if someone had at least made an attempt to mop up at some point in the recent past and I wasn't at any point afraid of being mugged by roving gangs of thugs, which is more than I can say for some of the malls in Arlington and Austin. We didn't really spend a lot of time amongst the actual stores, but I can personally attest that The Body Shop was free of dead or dying hobos and that the escalators to the various levels quite ably went about their duties of conveying people up and down.

All in all, a decent enough mall. But that's not why we were there. We headed straight for the Food Court.

I'll tell you right now that our Arby's experience last night was a decidedly mixed bag. So basically the norm for a trip to Arby's. Let me break it down for you:

The Arby's at the Manhattan Mall - An Overview

The Store It's Self - It, like any other food outlet in a mall, was a smaller version of the normal-sized Arby's outlet and it was reasonably clean and shiny. When it comes to food places in malls, I'm usually just happy if there's not a puddle of pee where I have to stand to place my order.

The Service - It appeared that we were being helped by the store's manager and it also appeared as if he'd learned English only a few minutes before we stepped up to the counter. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, nor am I wishing to get into a discussion on the immigration policies of our country. I'm just telling you how it was.

The Beef N' Cheddars - The quintessential Arby's experience. By that, I mean that they were the perfect balance of tasty and disgusting that's so germane to an Arby's meal. Plus, cheese sauce, which makes everything, including tax audits and bullet wounds, better.

The Potato Cakes - At some point, Arby's has stopped using actual potatoes in their Potato Cakes and started using low-quality cardboard instead. Liberal doses of ketchup and Horsey Sauce were required to choke this unholy triangles down, and even then neither of us could finish our orders.

The Curly Fries - (Yes, we got both forms of potato on the menu; don't judge, Mr. or Mrs. I'm-So-Perfect) As always, Arby's has some top quality Curly Fries. Spicy and greasy, not-too-crisp and not-too-soggy, sweetness and love, the moon and the stars... these are the reason that fast food was invented and so it shall forever be.

The Soda - It was just your average Pepsi.

Overall Grade: C- (major points off for the Potato Cakes, which really were butt-nasty)

Conclusion - After downing all the above food, both Girlfriend and I felt like absolute crap for the next hour or so. Maybe it's because we don't really eat a lot of fast food anymore, or maybe it's just that the food it's self sucked but, for whatever reason, the both of us were hurtin' in the gut region. Not that this will stop us from going back, of course. When the craving calls, you can't just let it go to the machine.

We'll be back, Arby's. Oh yes, we will be back. For the Curly Fries, if for nothing else.

23 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I went to Arby's one day last week for lunch, and my potato pancakes were butt-nasty as well. However, my mozzarella cheese sticks and curly fries made up for them. And my ham & swiss was delightful (not a roast beef fan, me).

What the hell happened to those potato pancakes anyway? I had fond childhood memories of yummy potato pancake-y goodness, and now they've been thoroughly smoten. It saddens me a little.

10:12 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I have to admit, I LOVE Arby's curly fries.

10:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a long standing and thoroughly researched theory that the Arby's 5 for $5 Beef and Cheddar deal is the greatest deal in the history of food. Basically you can have dinner and lunch the next day for $5. Considering the low quality of the food, those sandwiches re-heat very well.

Also... I have a beef with Chick-Fil-A. How come everytime I get a craving for an 8 count nugget, Chicken sandwich 86 the pickles, a large waffle fry, and lots of polynesian sauce.... it's always on Sunday (when they are closed)? Despite being fairly religious, I cannot figure out for the life of me why God would not allow me this pleasure!

10:35 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Giggleloop... For some reason, I've always been suspicious of fast food mozzerella sticks. They should stay on the TGI Fridays menu where they belong.

Midwesterner... Well you're only human.

Scott... That's my big issue with them; the whole God thing. I don't like supporting places that have such a hardcore tie to the Religious Right, even if they do have the tasty chicken nuggets ever.

10:44 AM  
Blogger Irish and Jew said...

OK but can someone tell me where I find a Sonic?!?! Cause the commercials are killing me and yet no one I know (and i know a lot of people ha) can tell me where this mystery Sonic chain exists.

~irish

11:21 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I know they've got them in the Upstate NY area, but there aren't any in the 5 Burroughs. I've checked, believe me. Growing up, I lived in a town blessed with multiple Sonics and I visited them frequently. As was the style of the time.

11:34 AM  
Blogger Colleen said...

Did you notice lettering below the Arby's hat sign in the photo? N EWSTORE NO W OPEN. Looks like whatever wageslave slob put it up lost their ladder and was hanging on by their hands before falling.
Yeah, if you couldn't tell I pretty much have 0 experience with Arby's other than a very funny incident my brother & a friend had there, which would take too much explanation for comment-land.

11:35 AM  
Blogger stew said...

There's a Sonic at the end of my street and down the main road about 50 yards. I only went once when my (now deceased) hubby was having such low blood sugar that we HAD to get something there. It was so bad that even the cute, cute, cuuute commercials aren't tempting me.

On the subject of mozz sticks, I ordered them once at Generic Bar Place with Fake Sports Memorabilia Hanging From Walls and -- wtf? They were seasoned-bready outside and -- hollow inside. I assume they cooked too long and fried all the mozz away, or were they some incredibly nouvel gastronomic innovation, like "air of mozzarella"? They were like little tubes o' nothing.

Cool!

11:55 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Is "Horsey Sauce" an actual item on the menu or did you make that up?

12:03 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Colleen... You'll probably live at least three years longer than those of us who have frequented the Arby's chain.

Pigeon... Tubes O' Nothin' will now be the name of my first child. Mr. Tubes O' Nothin' Davis has a nice ring to it.

Jeff... It's the real deal, my man. Horsey Sauce. What's fun is to try to get the employees to say it as many times as possible during the course of your order. They die a little inside each time it escapes their lips!

12:38 PM  
Blogger stew said...

I don't suppose you guys have Lion's Choice, but Lion's Choice is a roast beef place that serves roast beef that actually resembled roast beef and one of their side condiments is "au jus." It's pretty funny to go into one and listen to people mangle "au jus" on the side. (For the record, the employees say "awwww Jhoooo" like a fancy frenchy place. But mostly you hear customers ask for "Ow juss.")

I loves me some Horsey Sauce! Try it on fries, mmmmmmm.

12:49 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Well played, Pigeon. You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to find a fast food place that I'm not familiar with, but lo... you've done it.

Never heard of a Lion's Choice, though it sounds good. What part of the US are they in?

PS Horsey Sauce on fries is insane goodness.

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ooh, we have Lion's Choice here in St. Louis, and I prefer them to Arby's by a mile. Sooo yummy. We also are the home of Gus' Pretzels, which I had for lunch. :D

I hate it when people say "aww juice."

You know what's better than mozz. sticks? Cheese curds from Culver's. Mmmm. I should have been born in a cheese state.

1:12 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

I'm almost afraid to ask but what is in Horsey Sauce?

PS. I consider the term "Manhattan Mall" an oxymoron but I'm old school.

1:47 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Giggleloop... Girlfriend has just recently introduced me to the magical wonderment of cheese curds. Good stuff, those.

Jeff... It's basically horesradish mayo. It's awesome.

1:59 PM  
Blogger stew said...

omg I'm in tha Lou too! Two-two-two ZFSketeers in tha 314! whoa!

Um, Lion's Choice is in St. Louis. And, according to their website, soon to open in Florida. Because Florida needs a new fast-food roast-beef place?

5:13 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

OMG. I remember the Manhattan Mall when it was the A&S Store. It was quite ghetto back then ['93] and had only like a handful of stores.

We unfortunately, have an Arby's right across the street at work, and when I forget to bring a lunch, it's one of my few options.

Their beef and cheddars are pretty tasty, but I'm still partial to their Junior roast beefs with lots of Horsey and Arby sauce.

6:04 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Ooh. And their Jamocha shakes.

[Sorry for always double posting, I think of stuff after I hit 'publish']

6:05 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Pigeon... Bummer. That sounds tasty. Eh well, at least we've got pizza.

Big Daddy... See, Girlfriend is a big fan of the Jamocha shakes too and I just don't see the appeal. They're okay, but... eh. I don't know. Maybe it's me. Oh, and no worries about the double posting. We're all casual here.

8:25 PM  
Blogger quin browne said...

chicken salad wrap...damn good.

not as good as the in-n-out burger i had on monday AND tuesday in l.a., however, good nonetheless.

8:51 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Goddamn I miss the In-N-Out burger. Double/Double, Animal-style with well fries and a strawberry milkshake.... oh god... that was one of the only good things about my time spent in California.

8:33 AM  
Blogger lioux said...

OMG!!!

When my band Sister Kisser®™©™ is on the road the drummer INSISTS on eating Arby's®™©™ as much as possible.

I enjoy their Market Fresh Sandwiches.

9:54 AM  
Blogger blythe said...

um, there is nothing shameful about chik-fil-a.

also, i just endured six (6) years of sonic commercials with no payoff. until now! oh, slushes, i love you.

9:32 PM  

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