Morbitity And Mortality On A Monday
What with the results of Anna Nicole Smith's autopsy being released today and all, I think that now is the perfect time to talk about our own deaths. Specifically, how we'd all like to die, were we given a choice. I've given this a lot of thought over the years and I've got the field narrowed down to a few, I think, worthy candidates. They are:Cut down by a sniper - Oooh, dramatic! Particularly if it happens right as I'm about to reveal some important information to a top-level CIA agent. Plus, if the sniper's good at his job, it'll be quick and painless. Bonus points if the CIA agent is a good friend and is therefore obligated to avenge my death.
Squished by a bus as while pushing a crying toddler out of the way - The last part is crucial, because it's lame if I get run down by a bus because I'm too busy fiddling with my iPod to notice the large wad of metal that's hurtling towards me. But if I sacrifice my life to save an innocent child, well, that's money in the bank. Not my bank, though, because I'll be dead. But you know what I mean.
Falling from a great height - We're talking, like, from off of the Empire State Building, or from that new Skywalk thingy they've got at the Grand Canyon that I wouldn't set foot on for all the money in the world hand-delivered to me by a naked Reese Witherspoon. If I were to fall off of a ladder and break my neck while cleaning out the gutters, that's a lame and sad way to go. But if I fall off a hugely tall building and/or canyon, well, at least I'll get some style points. Also acceptable: Parachute not opening, but only if it's caught on video.
Shark attack - I'd be giving back to nature, sort of, so that's nice. Also, my friends and family will always have an interesting story to tell on the anniversary of my death. Hell of a lot better than, "Well, he ate a lot of cheese and one day his heart just went, 'Yeah, I'm done.'" I must remember, though, to fight that shark 'til the bloody end... it's no fun for anyone if I just scream a lot and then get eaten. I have to hack at that motherfucker like Ahab or, at the very least, like Quint from Jaws.
Killed in a sword fight - Because who gets killed in a sword fight these days?
Beaten to death by Jackie Chan - If it ever turns out that I've got the Cancer or some similar, horrible disease, I'm going to try as hard as I can to get Jackie Chan to beat me to death. Because, for one thing, it's Jackie Chan. Awesome! And for another, you know it'd be an elaborately choreographed, back flipping, flying through the air, chop-socky kind of death that would be all kinds of nifty. Shit, he could even film it and use it in one of his movies. And then he'd dedicate the movie to me... yeah... okay, I'm going to pick this one. This is how I want to die. Does anyone know how I can get ahold of Jackie Chan? I want to have his number at the ready, just in case.
So what about you guys? How do you want to take your final bow?
posted by Clinton at 9:07 AM
17 Comments:
Sort of in the middle of all those, I'd like to fall from a great height and land on a bad guy who is about to hurt someone. That way, I'm a hero and I get to experience all the coolness of falling. Of course, my aim isn't very good so I'd probably miss. Definitely have to be some luck involved.
Or, alternatively, if, as you fall, you pass in front of a bullet meant for someone else, saving their life. That would require a shitload of luck, though.
Last fall I realized that I wanted to be killed by being eaten by a giant squid.
Hmmm.
I think I'd like to go out in a shroud of mystery, with millions of unanswered questions and no body left behind.
This way I could come back as an evil twin or something...
Yeah, I have always wanted to survive a plane crash or something but everyone thinks I am dead so I can dramaticly burst through the doors of my own funeral in tatterd clothes bellowing "Im Alive!"
Oh. And I absolutely LOVE the drawing that accompanies this post!
Beehive... Nice! I picked sharks because sharks are more common, but... damn... death by giant squid just has a certain absurdity to it that I love.
Lioux and Midwesterner... Word. Very Tom and Huck, but in a non-racist, good way. Oh and that drawing rocks, right? I just found it via a Google image search.
Oh. I thought it may have been a Clinton original.
I think a bus/car/train/subway/meteor accident would be awesome. They would say, "Man, no one could have survived that," and they'd be right. I'd be okay with being vaporized. The funeral would be much cheaper.
Lioux... Ha, no, I can't draw worth squat.
Jonathan... Ooooh! Meteor! Very nice. I like the idea of being vaporized, too, if for no other reason than it'd be nice for people to not have to clean up my guts.
Ed Norton fucks me to death. DUH.
-Jew
Hmm, I'd like to go by having my tether broken while making repairs to the Hubble Space Telescope and drift off to oblivion or . . . drink myself to death over the course of a week ala Leaving Las Vegas.
Jew... I assume you're talking about Ed Norton, the character from The Honeymooners. If so, I think he's dead.
Jeff... Floating out into space would be cool for a little while, but I think I'd probably get bored. Also, I actually thought about putting drinking myself to death on here, but I thought (for me) it'd be too obvious. Still, what a way to go.
Being electrocuted on stage, while singing a duet with Bono, during a concert at Wembley Stadium, in London.
Only if you take Bono with you.
OMG Big Daddy!!!
I was originally going to say being electrocuted on stage! (Not with Bono though).
That would be totally rock star.
I want to be in the audience for one of Oprah's big giveaways an ie of a heart attack, only because I know the headline would read "Oprah's Generosity Kills!"
That would make me smile.
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