Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Movie Poster A Go-Go

Avatar



I don't know, dudes... James Cameron doesn't make a movie since the Clinton Administration and the first image we get of it screams, basically, "we bought a lot of blue make-up on sale at this one make-up distribution center that was going out of business... so... hope you like blue chicks..." And don't get me wrong, I love blue chicks. They spice shit up nicely in the bedroom (blue boobs turn your horniness into a question mark, but in a good way). It's just that if Cameron is going to wait a million years to put out his next "masterpiece," it better have a lot more going for it than an obscure sexual kink. Also, what's an avatar? I feel like I know this... it has something to do with computers or something... but I really don't want to look it up. Oh wait, doesn't AIM have avatars? Motherfucker, if this is a movie about instant messaging with blue chicks, I am so out. I can do that on my internet at home for a monthly fee.

The Final Destination



Why are all the teens in these movies so pretty? Guys AND girls. They're just all really good looking individuals and that is SOOOOO not how it is in real life. There's no acne that defies all Oxy-cution, there's no crippling social phobias or back-braces or weird hair because they let their grandma cut their hair and now their hair looks like a limp mop that shows off a premature bald spot. Anyway, so death is coming back and throwing cars at Aeropostale catalogue models. Good for him, I guess. It is in 3D, though, and as I'm a big fan of all three dimensions (as well as the 5th Dimension, but that has no bearing on this discussion), I will probably see this. Have you seen the preview? That scene in the car wash looks kind of bonkers.

Oh, nearly forgot to mention... their faces reflected in the puddle are scary skull faces. That's creepy. If I looked into a puddle and saw a skull face over my real face, I'd have to use the puddle water to clean myself off. Fear pooping is real, you guys. So very real...

The Vampire's Assistant



Apparently it's a "saga." Heh... okay... sure you are. The Vampire's Assistant, followed by The Vampire's Cable Repair Guy, and The Vampire's Roomate's Brother Who's Sleeping On The Couch Right Now While He Looks For A Place, and finally, of course, The Vampire's Sleazy Attempt To Cash In On The Twilight Phenomenon. You know this movie is going to be like the inside of a Hot Topic's ass and holy shit do we not need another one of those farting on to screens nationwide. I would go see it, however, if it was actually about a nice college student named Mitch who ran errands for a vampire during the day. Picked up his capes at the dry cleaners, arranged to have some coffin polish delivered, organized the vampire's Fresh Direct orders, etc. THAT would be interesting. And the theaters wouldn't be filled with thousands of 14 year old girls going through simultaneous puberty, either.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time



I know it's not fair to assume that all of Jake Gyllenhaal's movies are totally gaybones JUST because he was in Brokeback Mountain... but... dude shows up in the poster wearing all the fetish-y leather and rocking a sword that looks suspiciously like a bendy wang... well... hey, whatever my man... do you and your "sands of time." Which I assume is code for something. YOU know what I'm talking about. Cleveland Steamer or something...

Jennifer's Body



You know, I was into Megan Fox at first... but then someone pointed out to me that in certain lights she sort of looks like a Filipino lady-boy. Now that's all I can think about when I see her. So, Megan, if you're listening, you're just going to have to get so very naked and prove to us all that you're not a herm. Get on that. Make Amanda Seyfreid undress you... oooh... yeah...

Oh, and the movie looks fine I guess. Horror, but funny. AND it's from Diablo Cody, so I guess I won't be understanding half of what's being said because I'm not so hip with the slang. I still say "homeboy" unironically to black guys and then demand a high five. And you know what? They give it to me because I am straight up STREET. Thug life!!!

A Nightmare on Elm Street



You'd think I would be totally pissed about this, given my past history of hating "reimaginings" and, well, I sorta am. But I'm also sorta not because I like that they cast looks-like-a-child-killing-monster-anyway Oscar nominee Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy. A bold choice. So I'm reserving judgement. Maybe they got their shit in one sack on this one. Besides, I'm way to busy right now being pissed about this...

Fame



You motherfuckers. If you hurt Fame I will beat you to death with one of my old tap shoes. This is one of my favorite movies of all time... for reasons too Gyllenhaal to get into publicly... and if there's not a sensitive kid with a red afro and the ghost of Gene Anthony Ray and a song called, not kidding, "Hot Lunch," then what is the FUCKING POINT of making this movie again? Also, they have to have a creepy topless scene or it doesn't work. And there needs to be dancing on cabs! Ugh, they should have just let me direct this. I would have done a shot-for-shot remake of the original like Gus Van Zant's Psycho and then I'd have burned the master print because THE ORIGINAL WAS PERFECT THE FIRST TIME!!! YOU HEAR ME, HOLLYWOOD???
(sobbing)
FAME! I WANT TO LIVE FOREEEEVEEER!!! I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO FLY!!! HIGH!!!

4 Comments:

Blogger lacochran said...

If it's yellow then it's jello
If it's blue it could be stew
Ew-ew-ewwwww

7:17 AM  
Anonymous Ames said...

damn you make me laugh.

11:05 AM  
Anonymous Kellie said...

It would be great if you could stop being so funny and distracting, since I'm not getting any work done.


Ah, fuck it.

12:46 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Is it just me or does Megan Fox look alot like Angelina Jolie?

11:03 PM  

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