Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Just What The Hell Are You Trying To Pull Here, Doritos?

The above packet was in my bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. Apparently, you're supposed to dump the powdered buffalo sauce on your chips and shake it up, creating... I guess... some sort of weird, snack food hybrid that has heretofore only been the dream of a madman. Wing sauce and nacho cheese? Isn't that against God? I'm pretty sure the baby Jesus would not approve of the Nachuffalo, particularly if he has a problem with food that is dayglo like a Trapper Keeper.

But whatever, Doritos has never hurt me before. Well, except for that one time where I ate a bag of Cool Ranch chips and then washed it down with enough Jack Daniels to embalm a midget (photographic evidence exists of this night on the internet; my family is so full of shame). The resulting barf is even today a painful memory. Then again, I guess Doritos wasn't strictly at fault during this particular incident.

Anyway, the buffalo flavor powder is extremely intense. When I opened it, a poofy cloud of the stuff went up my nose. It was kind of like snorting vinegar out of Satan's butthole, but less fun. What wasn't coating my sinuses, I poured onto the nacho chips. I shook up the bag to get an even coating. The shaking bag sounded like a very poorly made maraca, so I did a very poorly conceived and borderline offensive ethnic dance. I am very sorry, Mexicans.

I ate a chip. It was not tasty. Doritos are pretty heavily seasoned as is, so adding a crapload MORE seasoning kind of moves the snacking experience into the area of diminishing returns. The taste in my mouth right now is like if Dow Chemicals suddenly got into the appetizer business. It is gross and I bet when I poop later, it's going to hurt.

Thanks a whole fucking lot, Doritos. You've hurt my tongue, my nasal passages, my colon, and my feelings. Why do you have to be this way? Why do you have to try to be more than what you are, which is delicious nacho cheese-flavored chips? I don't want a tarted up whore! I want a snack food to snuggle up with!!!

I'm so sad right now, you guys. So very sad...


Blogger Pop and Ice said...

Ok, THIRD time today I need my inhaler! The comment about it tasting as if Dow Chemical got into the snack food business is a classic! I think you have a submitable paper for school here. If submitable is even a word because blogger keeps underlining it and I'm NOT LOOKING IT UP! It's late!

10:04 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

I have been trying to cut down on my dorito eating but I want to try that real bad. You are like that guy who put a bottle rocket in his ass to shoot it off... I didnt want to try that but I heard other people did

10:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't get why Doritos keeps trying to experiment or "improve" upon the original flavor. They should just stick with the original bag, the one that had the vaguely 70s logo that reminded me of old Denny's signage. Plus the mystery orange powder that cakes on your fingers after the bag is gone. Like Fun Dip for couch potatoes.


6:27 PM  
Blogger Green-Eyed Momster said...

The Salsa Verde ones are my current favorites. I have to count each one and I make sure that I don't eat more than a serving size a day or I'll weigh more than my current wardrobe will allow.
Sorry your colon hurt. That sucks.

6:52 PM  

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