My Plans For Austin

NOTE: I'm heading down to Austin for a couple of days... a little mini-vacation, if you will, before classes start up for the summer semester. I thought it would be fun for you to take a look at all the exciting things I've got planned for my trip. Enjoy, and hey, try to not to be TOO jealous! Ah, I'm just funnin'...

-Eat a lot of barbecue, because they kill things and cook them up right in this part of the world. Beef, usually, but sometimes... if it's late and you know the right place... you can get some drifter. The house buys a round if you get a piece where you can still make out his tattoo.

-There's this one building that looks all shiny and new and like a glass monument to capitalism. It offends me. I'm going to chop it down with my Ax of Righteousness. Okay, I don't actually have an Ax of Righteousness, nor do I have the drive and determination to chop down I building. I am going to pee on it, though. Well, I'm going to think about it while I pee. I'm scared of building security!

-I think I'll try to find a little league team that's in last place and assume the role of their coach. I'll teach them the fundamentals of the game, help them see that no matter what, they'll always be winners in my book, and then we'll win the league championship! And THAT'S when I score with all the player's moms. Mmm... steamin' up the mini-van windows. Roomy jeans tossed off every which-a-way!

-Perhaps I'll take in a show, or at the very least make a spectacle of myself.

-Hoping to organize a dance battle amongst the local homeless population. Third Prize: a gin bottle filled with kerosene. Second Prize: a new stabbin' knife made from an old, rusty license plate and the handle of a broom. First Prize: they get to sleep in a box that's not filled with their own poop. New box!!!

-The circus is in town this weekend, so I'm going to go to the circus and get drunk with a clown. Drunk clowns are hilarious! And so sad because they're dying from liver disease. The makeup they wear hides their pain and also their jaundice. I'm going to spray seltzer down my pants!

-Maybe I'll take in a few classes at the University of Texas. Applied Physics and Introduction to the Kiln are mindblowing after a handful of mushrooms. Not the psychedelic kind, though. Portobello. The farts they produce cause hallucinations that will tear your fucking soul apart. Tasty, too!

-I'm going to take a walking tour of all my ex-girlfriends, either apologizing to those that deserve it, or stealing canned goods from the ones that were mean to me. I am going to be rich with pumpkin pie filling and hominy, yo!

-You know those Japanese places where you can eat sushi off a naked lady? I'm going to do that, but with beer pong.

-Most of all, though, I'm going to keep Austin weird, as per the slogan. And with me going bottomless from the waist down... believe me, kiddos, it's going to get plenty weird.