Abe Lincoln Disapproves of My Late Night Eating Habits

The drive-thru of a Whataburger, 3am

Abe Lincoln: Four score and seven... hold up... are we at Whataburger?

Me: Er... yes.

Abe Lincoln: But C-dog, it's 3am. Eating greasy fast food this late at night is so bad for your health. Don't you want to grow up big and strong like me, Abe Lincoln?

Me: Were you big and strong? I mean I know you cured slavery with your death ray, but weren't you just tall and kind of sickly. I think I saw that on The History Channel.

Abe Lincoln: The History Channel is full of lies! They ran a documentary last week about how George Washington was the greatest president of all time! My skinny cock he was. HE HAD SLAVES!!! I didn't have slaves. I freed the slaves.

Me: With your death ray, I know.

Abe Lincoln: God damn right with my death ray. Fucking George Washington. Thinks he's so great because he's on the quarter. The penny is just fine!

Me: Penny is pretty cool, dude, I agree.

Abe Lincoln: It's made of copper!

Me: I don't think that's right.

Abe Lincoln: Don't argue with the greatest president of all time, you fat piece of human garbage.

Me: You're pretty mean, Abe Lincoln.

Abe Lincoln: You don't get on the penny by playing nice, C-dog. You gotta slit a lot of throats to have your face slapped on that motherfucker.

Me: Well... look... I'm going to go ahead and order... you hungry?

Abe Lincoln: Now that you mention it, I could really assassinate a hot apple pie...

Me: Too soon, Abe Lincoln... too soon...