Friday the 13th: The Reimagination

In a couple of weeks, the latest in a long line of unnecessary horror remakes will hit the big screen. Friday the 13th, a classic of the horror genre, has been given the Platinum Dunes "reimagination" treatment and that sound you here is the collective wail of despair from a million nerds exhausted by the constant raping and pillaging of their fond, gory memories (I'll be joining them as soon as I finish typing this). The big question is... What's different? What has been changed or altered or outright excised in lieu of more scenes with a talking, wish-granting dog? Well, fear not my little lambies... the journalistic might of ZFS! has struck once again!!! Mightily!!! I actually think I've broken something. My knuckles are all purple.

Yes, my friends, I hold in my (one, good, unbroken) hand a bootleg copy of the Friday the 13th (2009) master print! Let's watch it now and survey the extent of the damage. Onward...

CHANGES MADE IN THE NEW FRIDAY THE 13TH; or, "My, Jason, what a lovely singing voice you have"

-Jason now attacks through a videotape, and only seven days after the victim watches it. He also makes use of cellphones, mirrors, grudges, and a bunch of other ghostly crap that all sort of looks the same. Jason is also now Asian.

-There seems to be a heavy emphasis on wacky sound effects; loud gongs, slide-whistles, cuckoo-clock chimes, and fart noises are placed indiscriminately throughout.

-Less slashing, more Slash.

-Due to budget issues, Jason's hockey mask is now just a paper plate with two eye holes cut out affixed to his head with a piece of string.

-A lengthy prologue explains that this is NOT the story of Jason Voorhees, the retarded child who drowned in a lake due to camp-counselor negligence and then came back to mete out bloody vengeance on teenagers everywhere. Apparently, THIS is the story of Jason Alexander, the popular actor who starred on TV's Seinfeld and has now come back to mete out bloody vengeance on teenagers everywhere.

-For cross-promotional synergy purposes, Jason chugs a Red Bull before every kill.

-In some theaters, Friday the 13th will be shown using fabulous 2D technology. In other theaters, it will not be shown at all in favor of more Paul Blart: Mall Cop screenings.

-Half the movie is Jason sitting up in bed, reading a tattered copy of "He's Just Not That Into You," pausing only to gaze longingly at a photograph of Freddy Krueger.

-All the teenagers are non-threatening, gorgeous vampires with deep, romantic souls, save for one. He is Harry Potter.

-Going for that horror fan-pleasing, hard-R rating, it seems the director insisted on a lot of full-frontal nudity. From Jason.

-The whole movie is told through the POV of a person holding a video camera. And Jason is actually thirty stories tall and a monster. And this is just Cloverfield with a different title sequence hastily inserted using Apple's iMovie software.