2012: We Are Fucked
Flu Pandemic - Scientists need to find a cure for the flu between now and then. Seems pretty simple to me (it probably has something to do with orange juice). C'mon dorks... quit draggin' your feet.
Nuclear War / WW3 / Biological War - You know those lead vests they make you wear at the dentist's office? Just wear one of those at all times. If it's good enough to protect your nads while you get your teeth x-rayed, I don't see why it wouldn't also keep bombs away or whatever.
Large Hadron Collider - Um... you know it's got an off switch, right? Let's just switch it off. Seriously, some of these are pretty easy...
Nanotechnology - I read half of that Michael Crichton book about this and, before I got bored, I learned a whole lot of crap about these tiny, swarming robo-fuckers. Namely, I learned that they can't be stopped unless we run them through an MRI machine. So... let's all get in MRI machines and never leave.
Religious Apocalypse - Are you there, God? It's me, C-dog. Don't apocalypse us okay? Thanks! Hey, we're all good, guys!!!
Nuclear Accident - Lead vests.
Rise of the Machines - I'm going to say it one more time for the slower students: Off. Switches. That was my whole problem with the Terminator movies; he's a damn robot... clearly there's a big, red button on him somewhere that, when you push it, he goes "BWwwwooop" and slumps over in a comical manner. Unless cartoons have been lying to me all these years.
Genetic Modification - Huh? Like we restructure our DNA to give us like wings and crazy claws and junk? Or like laser eyes? That wouldn't bring about the end of the world. It would be AWESOME!!!
Time Travel Error - Alright, now you're just making shit up. Stop being a dick, I'm trying to help here.
Nearby Supernova - Uh... yeah, I don't know how to stop that. Lead vests, maybe?
Explosion from the black hole at the center of our galaxy - Wow. These space ones are hard. Tell you what, I'm getting a Subway sandwich with Stephen Hawking later; I'll ask him if he knows what's up with this.
Gamma Ray Burst (GRB) - I recognize all three of those words... but... I don't know... look, I'm just going to to pretend that says "Sugar Ray Burst" and then we can all finally have an excuse to kill Mark McGrath.
Asteroid/Meteor/Comet - Ah, okay, now we're in business. I'll go rent Armageddon, take some notes, and then we'll just do what those guys did. Someone should check on Bruce Willis' availability; I'll need him for moral support.
Coronal Mass Ejection (CRE) from our Sun - Sunglasses and some Coppertone with a high SPF rating.
Cosmic Rays - Lead vests.
Solar System Falls Apart (butterfly effect) - Holy shit, could that actually HAPPEN??? Fuck me. I'll be honest with you, I got nothing... if the whole fucking solar system starts falling apart, I guess maybe just stand in a doorway or go down to the cellar or something.
Alien Invasion - Sneeze on them/attack them with our PowerBooks.
Magnetic Pole Shift - Everyone should just keep a lot of magnets on hand, like the ones on your fridge from the family trip to Niagara Falls, but... like... WAY more. Then if the Earth's magnets starts shifting around, we'll just move OUR magnets to the other side and it will balance out. God, I'm so fucking good at saving the world.
Crustal Pole Shift - This is an STD, not a potential apocalypse.
Supervolcano - ie Yellowstone - Giant cork.
Ice Age - Big-ass hairdryer. Long-ass extension cord.
Global Warming - Just do whatever Al Gore tells us to. He made a movie about it, so he must know what he's talking about.