Tuesday, January 27, 2009

2012: We Are Fucked

Look, I don't want to scare the shit out of you guys or anything, but apparently we've only got like three years to live. According to a History Channel documentary that I fell asleep watching the other night, the year 2012... which ain't exactly that far off... is when the Apocalypse is going to happen. I KNOW! I was surprised too; you'd think this would be a major topic of conversation on, at the very least, the cable news stations seeing as how they have 24 hours of airtime to fill every day and, frankly, not that much shit goes on unless they're going to start reporting on the Twitter updates of celebrities and/or my dong (oh yes... it's newsworthy).
But I digress... the point is, we've got like three years to live. That sucks. UNLESS... a hero were to rise. A handsomely chubby sort of hero... perhaps one who has a blog and a lot of time on his hands right now... yes, if a hero like THAT could show up with a bunch of ideas about how to save the world, then maybe... just maybe... we could make it to 2013 unscathed.
Here I am to save the day.
Using the finest research techniques at my disposal (the Google), I have discovered a list of all the many different ways the world could potentially end in 2012. Here now, said list, along with my notes on how to prevent each and every disaster from happening and, thus, saving the world. I promise not to be all brooding like Batman. It's millionaire-playboy Tony Stark all the way for ol' C-dog. Anyway...
2012: IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT, or, "I feel fine, as C-dog is here to save us!"
NOTE: The list is broken down into sub-groups for easy reference
Human-Caused Apocalypses

Flu Pandemic - Scientists need to find a cure for the flu between now and then. Seems pretty simple to me (it probably has something to do with orange juice). C'mon dorks... quit draggin' your feet.
Nuclear War / WW3 / Biological War - You know those lead vests they make you wear at the dentist's office? Just wear one of those at all times. If it's good enough to protect your nads while you get your teeth x-rayed, I don't see why it wouldn't also keep bombs away or whatever.
Large Hadron Collider - Um... you know it's got an off switch, right? Let's just switch it off. Seriously, some of these are pretty easy...
Nanotechnology - I read half of that Michael Crichton book about this and, before I got bored, I learned a whole lot of crap about these tiny, swarming robo-fuckers. Namely, I learned that they can't be stopped unless we run them through an MRI machine. So... let's all get in MRI machines and never leave.
Religious Apocalypse - Are you there, God? It's me, C-dog. Don't apocalypse us okay? Thanks! Hey, we're all good, guys!!!
Nuclear Accident - Lead vests.
Rise of the Machines - I'm going to say it one more time for the slower students: Off. Switches. That was my whole problem with the Terminator movies; he's a damn robot... clearly there's a big, red button on him somewhere that, when you push it, he goes "BWwwwooop" and slumps over in a comical manner. Unless cartoons have been lying to me all these years.
Genetic Modification - Huh? Like we restructure our DNA to give us like wings and crazy claws and junk? Or like laser eyes? That wouldn't bring about the end of the world. It would be AWESOME!!!
Time Travel Error - Alright, now you're just making shit up. Stop being a dick, I'm trying to help here.
Apocalypses From Space

Nearby Supernova - Uh... yeah, I don't know how to stop that. Lead vests, maybe?
Explosion from the black hole at the center of our galaxy - Wow. These space ones are hard. Tell you what, I'm getting a Subway sandwich with Stephen Hawking later; I'll ask him if he knows what's up with this.
Gamma Ray Burst (GRB) - I recognize all three of those words... but... I don't know... look, I'm just going to to pretend that says "Sugar Ray Burst" and then we can all finally have an excuse to kill Mark McGrath.
Asteroid/Meteor/Comet - Ah, okay, now we're in business. I'll go rent Armageddon, take some notes, and then we'll just do what those guys did. Someone should check on Bruce Willis' availability; I'll need him for moral support.
Coronal Mass Ejection (CRE) from our Sun - Sunglasses and some Coppertone with a high SPF rating.
Cosmic Rays - Lead vests.
Solar System Falls Apart (butterfly effect) - Holy shit, could that actually HAPPEN??? Fuck me. I'll be honest with you, I got nothing... if the whole fucking solar system starts falling apart, I guess maybe just stand in a doorway or go down to the cellar or something.
Alien Invasion - Sneeze on them/attack them with our PowerBooks.
Apocalypses From Within the Earth

Magnetic Pole Shift
- Everyone should just keep a lot of magnets on hand, like the ones on your fridge from the family trip to Niagara Falls, but... like... WAY more. Then if the Earth's magnets starts shifting around, we'll just move OUR magnets to the other side and it will balance out. God, I'm so fucking good at saving the world.
Crustal Pole Shift - This is an STD, not a potential apocalypse.
Supervolcano - ie Yellowstone - Giant cork.
Ice Age - Big-ass hairdryer. Long-ass extension cord.
Global Warming - Just do whatever Al Gore tells us to. He made a movie about it, so he must know what he's talking about.
So there you have it. All our problems, solved like a motherfucker. I'm just chillin' on the couch all morning if any of you nerdlingers want to swing by with my Nobel Prize.


Anonymous JustinS said...

Your list left off the most dire 2012 threat: the possible election of Jeb Bush and/or Sarah Palin.

10:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

2012 is one of the reasons I left NYC and moved up to the mountains. I'm pretty confident we can ride out a zombie infestation and massive tidal wave up here.

1:31 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

just knowing you are out there in the world prepared to save us from the apocalypse is why I am able to sleep at night... THANKS CDOG!!!

2:19 PM  
Blogger Traceytreasure said...

I found you via MoxieMama. Loved your take on things. I'll be back!

4:23 PM  
Anonymous ML said...

You missed one: It's LIKE WW3. They put us in huge internment camps, like Hitler did with the Jews. Underground internment camps that are built ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. I guess it's to "make" us all get along, according to Reagan (actually it's to eliminate the races they don't like).

(Seriously though, go look up the weird shit about Denver International Airport.)

4:26 PM  
Blogger Molly said...

hah, i love your paranoia.

8:11 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Justin... That is no joke, dude. Sarah Palin especially. She just might be the tipping point for the end of it all.

Popomatic... Yeah, I'm going to be pretty fucked if the zombies rise while I'm in NYC. I read The Stand... they didn't even HAVE zombies and shit went South in a hurry.

Bill... I do what I can, dude. You can thank me by mailing me burritos.

Tracytreasure... Why thank you! Feel free to poke around the archives and, please, help yourself to some free cheese. (I have no free cheese... I'm just... so... lonely...)

ML... Not sure what you're talking about, but it sounds like some full-blown crazy shit. I will have to investigate.

Molly... It's not paranoia if it's ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

9:24 PM  
Blogger Heather J. said...

Thanks for being my superhero! But you’ll have to work on the Apocalypses from Space category … you’re sort of falling down on the job there.

(by the way, I found this post because Moxie Mama linked to it)

11:08 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Heather... I know, I'm heading to the Planetarium to do some research. And, you know, get drunk and watch the laser show.

1:57 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Scientists need to find a cure for the flu between now and then

I'm on it. You just have to find people to prevent all the other stuff.

6:39 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

I thought 2000 was supposed to be the end of the world, so I got all ready for that and was kinda disappointed when the clock struck 12 and nothing happened. I'd just hate to get all worked up again for nothing . . .

8:06 PM  
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