Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Little Known Inauguration Facts

Hey, you kids smell that? It's... could it be...? Why... yes... it's HOPE! And also, my cat just took a dump. Sorry about that. But mostly it's hope; the kind of hope you get when a brand, spankin' new President gets inaugurated! One that, for once, we as a nation aren't completely fucking depressed about. What an exciting time to be alive! And, bonus, this inauguration is totally historical. Because the new President...? Black guy.

I bet racists are so pissed right now.

Anyway, in the spirit of the occasion, I thought it would be fun to drop some knowledge on all your sweet, sweet asses. As you're I'm sure aware, I am one of the preeminent historical documentators of America and, as such, I have just a shitload of exciting trivia at my fingertips. So much trivia... it's kind of retarded, actually. But the point is, I've spent the last few months combing through the archives (Google) in order to dig up some fascinating crap about all the Presidential inaugurations that have happened in this great country of ours and... hey, why not... I'm going to share them with you now.

Hold on to your nads...

LITTLE KNOWN INAUGURATION FACTS, or, "Why yes, Mr. President, that IS a Bible in my pocket!"

-In 1789, just minutes before his inauguration, George Washington crossed the Delaware with a cherry tree clenched between his wooden teeth. There was a poem written about it. Then I think he married Betsy Ross, but nobody knows for sure because there weren't cameras back then. Anyway, then he got inaugurated which made him unable to tell a lie.

-Abe Lincoln got inaugurated in a theater and then ran to a warehouse, Kennedy got inaugurated in a warehouse and then ran to a theater. SPOOKY!

-Martin Van Buren kicked the shit out of an Irishman instead of giving a speech. Nobody knows why, except for twelfth United States Attorney General Roger B. Taney, and that dude isn't saying shit about it. We, the historical community, suspect that Roger B. Taney hated the Irish as well.

-At his inauguration, Andrew Jackson handed out his business card to everyone and, because he was so popular, people started to use them as currency. This is how we got the $20.

-Everybody knows that William Henry Harrison died thirty days after his inauguration because he was too stupid to put on a coat and he caught pneumonia or whatever. But here's what you DON'T know about William Henry Harrison. Three days after he died... dude rose from the grave! That's why he's known in certain circles as William ZOMBIE Harrison. He ate Roger B. Taney's brain.

-Harry Truman's inauguration speech was so filthy, popular rap group 2 Live Crew later used large chunks of it verbatim in their hit single, "Me So Horny."

-Jimmy Carter was a President once. He even had an inauguration. I know, I just found this out too and was like, "whoa."

-Popular entertainer David Lee Roth was the guest of honor at Ronald Regan's inauguration in 1985. I managed to dig up a rare photograph of the event, taken just after the swearing in and right before Roth's stirring performance of "Panama:"

-Bill Clinton, in lieu of an Inaugural Ball, just had sex with everybody. It's collectively known as the greatest inauguration day in our country's history, as well as the stickiest. I'm also told that the pre-sex waiting room's buffet made grown men weep all over their hideous, naked selves.

-In 2001, George W. Bush was inaugurated even though he WAS NEVER elected President!!! Just sayin', someone really should have done something about that.


Anonymous Scott H. said...

Just a little bit of perspective for you...

Gabrielle Carteris- January 2, 1961
Barack Obama- August 4, 1961

An original cast member of Beverly Hills 90210 is older than the President of the United States.

10:18 AM  
Anonymous Diamond Dave said...

Bozadee bozadee bop... zitty bop... Mr. President.

12:15 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

That is some usefull knowledge and the photo of David Lee Roth is AWESOME again, I am in awe of your historical knowledge

5:01 PM  

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