Monday, January 12, 2009

The Golden Globes or Celebrity Halloween?

Megan Fox as...



...your grandma's slutty couch that smells like cigarettes and folds out into a bed that will give you chlamydia.

Amanda Seyfried as...



...the totally spooky ghost of a Student Council Treasurer who died in a car accident while trying to drive and dirty-text her boyfriend after tutoring slow kids in math.

Maggie Gyllenhaal as...



...some sort of blue... leopard... thing, I guess, I don't know, she's too Sundance Channel to have fun with Halloween costumes; she's probably dressed up as "the unbearable weight of humanity" or something to make a point about Darfur.

Anne Hathaway as...



...a pale, East German pan-sexual cabaret performer who seduces corn-fed American boys into telling state secrets.

Renee Zellweger as...



...an inappropriate widow who's 90 year old billionaire husband just left everything to her boobies.

Mickey Rourke as...



...a deadbeat dad at his third wedding.

...a down-on-his-luck lounge singer applying for a loan.

...the bassist for an 80's hair-metal band crashing his ex-wife's New Year's Eve party.

Marissa Tomei as...



...a bi-polar aunt who lives in New Mexico and sells turquoise jewelry to gas stations in between Native American sweat-lodge ceremonies and long, lustful looks at her neighbor, Javier.

Sally Hawkins as...



...the Goth girl in high school who got nominated for Homecoming Queen ironically but decided to show up anyway because fuck those jock fuckers, I've got Boones Farm in my bag, let's get wasted in the parking lot.

Glenn Close as...



...an old version of that hot lady who tried to kill Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction.

Rumer Willis as...



...a David Bowie impersonator from the future that's also an arrogant robot but thinks it's a supermodel.

8 Comments:

Blogger jason quinones said...

i wish i was Javier...

9:23 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

I'm pretty sure Amanda Seyfried was going for Carrie.

And Anne Hathaway? Ursula.

2:03 PM  
Blogger Char said...

I think: Mickey Rourke as...Nick Nolte mug shot.

3:18 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jason... If the actual Marisa Tomei is into him, as opposed to the sad aunt she was dressed up as, then yeah, me too.

Brooklyn... Anne Hathaway, from the neck up, reminded me of Joel Grey in Cabaret.

Char... Totally. And about a hundred others. Mickey Rourke is the gift that keeps on giving.

3:58 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

It amazes me that Mickey Rourke is still alive. And you totally got it right with Renee Z. What the f*ck was she thinking?

7:14 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I'd let Megan Fox give me crabs any day. Except Monday. Monday is AIDS day.

10:43 PM  
Blogger blythe said...

c$ - have you considered a style blog? this was good work. the fug girls could learn something. although, i take umbridge with your assessment of marisa's get up as i am now wearing it for casual friday.

2:41 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Glad you enjoyed it. I don't really know anything about style, though. I just chug a pint of grain alcohol and type until I pass out. I call it "research."

2:52 PM  

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