Wednesday, January 07, 2009

How You Found Me

As I'm sleepy this morning and it's gross outside and I have a lot of stuff to do today and because life is meaningless and cruel and it feels like every hour I slip a little further into the darkness of my mind, let's take a page from the ol' Blogger's Handbook of Generic Post Ideas and...


Hooray for unoriginal entertainment!!! Over the last 24 hours or so, I've been marking down some of the best Google searches that readers just like you (though probably less handsome) input into their computers in the hope of finding the information they so desperately desired. Instead, they landed here; a circumstance which I imagine they found most unhelpful. It's probably the cause of all the death threats I've been receiving. Well, that and because I punched Jesus in the face the other day. He tried to steal my wallet, what was I supposed to do?!?! Lousy thieving Jesus...

Anyway, without further adieu...

ZFS! GOOGLE SEARCHES; or, "What's wrong with you people?"

NOTE: All misspellings and hinky grammar have been left intact in an effort to maximize the hilarity and make me feel like less of a hillbilly frat boy farmer from North Texas who could really use a good can of Skoal right about now.

“I hardly know you but I think your amazing” - Why thank you! See, this is why it's fun to look in from time to time on your Google searches. You never know when you're going to find one that brightens your day. Kids, everyone should try to be more like this anonymous Googler. And, for the record, I am TOTALLY amazing... don't think it; just know it.

“worlds biggest fuck object” - Yeesh. Okay, well I guess you're looking for whatever the largest object in the world is that someone actually... you know... fucked. My guess would be Shaquille O'Neil, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out that it's actually the Chrysler Building or something. There's some real weirdos in New York.

Mariah Carey zombie” - She's not dead, she's just made of plastic.

“Meryl Streep zombie” -She's not dead, she's just acting. Somebody load a million Oscars into one of those t-shirt guns they use to pep up the crowds at baseball games and fire them at her magnificent self with a lusty abandon!!!

“Squat Italian man” - Sorry, due to a court order, I had to take down my Danny DeVito fan club. Apparently it was, "too creepy for words," at least according to the judge who threw the book at me. It was a copy of "Walden," by Henry David Thoreau, which I thought was an ironic choice, particularly since I'd spent the last few years of my life hiding in the woods outside Danny DeVito's house.

“HOUSE SO BAD” - I know you're not dissing one of my favorite TV shows. Because I will cut your pretty face all up, my capital letter-abusing friend. We'll just assume that the place where you live sucks and leave it at that. And don't fucking cross me; ask Danny DeVito just how terrifying I can be.

“How to excitement a sleepy girlfriend” - I've always found that a solid Dutch Oven does the trick, but I guess you could go a different route. Set her on fire, maybe? Fill the room with bees? Use your imagination!!! Unless you mean "excitement" as in "make horny." If that's the case, then maybe you should lay off the Dutch Ovens. The fire and bees should still work, though. Girls like a little danger! OOOOH, USE FLAMING BEES!!!

“Horse fucking made easy”- Unless you can grow like Apache Chief or you can make the horse shrink... buddy... it ain't going to get any easier. If you want to fuck a horse, you're just going to have to play it as it lies. Might want to invest in an off-shore oil tanker full of strawberry-flavored lube.

“heteros that like abba - You've come to the right place.

"Ladies shitting" - Okay... dude... why you gotta be perving up my Google searches? Nobody wants to see that. Besides, I have it on good authority that ladies don't poop. They absorb all the nutrients they need from food and what's leftover gets expelled in a cloud of shimmer dust sneezed out in a manner so adorable they're practically Pixar characters. So quit trying to cause trouble, Mr. McNasty. Leave our nation's lovely, lovely, non-poopin' ladies out of your infernal quest for ill-gotten jollies.

“porn will cheer me up” - Tell me about it. Although, like with all things, moderation is key. You don't want to be one of those guys who spanks it so much they start to look greasy all the time. And then they get a basement apartment with a mini-fridge full of Mountain Dew and the highest speed internet money can buy and, next thing you know, they're crippled in the prime of their life by carpal tunnel so severe it makes their hands look like gnarled tree roots. THAT, by the way, is what parents should warn their kids about... not hairy palms, not going blind. The real horror is in twisted ligaments and muscles that stiffen and die from an improper and overworked grip.

But yes, it will TOTALLY cheer you up, though you won't find any of that stuff here. Unless you're looking for some nudie pics of Danny DeVito. I have those in abundance.


Anonymous JustinS said...

Good news! You were also Google's #1 site when I just searched for "Danny DeVito fucks horse shit while on fire and covered with bees!"

10:47 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

hahahah! this is awesome. people are psycho.

11:36 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Justin... Frankly, it's long overdue.

Brooklyn... I know, right? And they all seem to find my blog. Maybe that means I'M psycho. Hm. Best not to think too hard about it.

1:06 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Ha! I totally just Googled you with "Danny DeVito fucks horse shit while on fire and covered with bees." That was awesome.

I hope someone at Google caught that one. I bet they're laughing too.

11:34 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

It's my goal in life to bring pleasure to the Google robots.

11:41 PM  

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