Thursday, January 01, 2009

2009 Better Be Better

Man, 2008 sucked ass. I mean, not like entirely or anything... it wasn't a wall-to-wall shit show... but still, you know, basically it was.

I'll prove it. Here's the good things that happened in 2008:

-Obama won
-The Dark Knight came out and made everyone go, "Wow"
-I didn't personally die

Now, compare that to all the BAD things that happened in 2008:

NOTE: Partial list, because obviously...

-The economy took a dump all over everywhere
-I lost my job and, statistically, so did you.
-Hurricane Ike
-The Mets collapsed into themselves like a dying star
-George Carlin died
-Paul Newman died
-A bunch of other awesome people died, including some of my relatives
-War
-Famine
-Disease
-Larry the Cable Guy in Witless Protection
-I turned 28 (which is appalling)
-Did I mention I'm still unemployed?
-Some kid probably got eaten by wolves or something
-Hitler's Robot went on a rampage
-The college Dean tried to get us evicted from our campus house
-Your mom stopped calling me (tell her I miss her!)
-Psycho circus clowns took over the Midwest with their Carnival of Fear and now no one can go to Nebraska because it's covered in a big top tent what drips with the blood of lost souls (that might technically have only happened in a dream I had after some spicy chili)
-Serious journalists started using the word "tweens"
-Nobody killed whitey

And the list goes on and on. 2008... fuck you, dude. You made us all miserable and we're glad you're gone. So here's to 2009! Everybody cheer!!! Let's make this one not ass-y, what's say?!?! Because if 2009 is as awful as 2008... man... we're just going to have to blow it up. No, I don't know now. But we'll figure it out.

WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT
NO, WE AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT
WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT... ANYMORE!!!

8 Comments:

Blogger LSL said...

God, I adore you. And can't freaking believe you're 28. God, I'm old. I'm 37 and 3/4, and I never use the word "tween." Happy new year!

2:35 PM  
Blogger Sonny Amou said...

I'd add the suicide of David Foster Wallace. Great writer. Funny list.

Hope you find a job soon. I've hunted for jobs in the last two recessions, so I can respect your situation. Good luck with that.

SA

3:27 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

Here's how I describe 2008 in my last blog entry:

2008 was a bucket of raw, untreated sewage poured slowly over my head with an end-of-year grand finale that I'm still trying to come to terms with.

How do you like them apples? Is that too dark?

5:35 PM  
Anonymous bryan said...

2008 was a bitch.
i'm just going to get wasted and burn last years calender.
who's with me

5:36 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

So clearly I'm bored and lazy right now becuase I just googled "eaten or attacked by wolf" and I didn't find a story of that actually happening this year (though I didn't really look for longer than a minute), but I did find this umm interesting story - http://www.oregonlive.com/washingtoncounty/index.ssf/2008/12/tigard_police_seek_man_who_att.html. The headline is, "Tigard police seek man who attacked boy with fireplace poker." And I think that about sums it up.

5:44 PM  
OpenID irefusetogetold said...

El Diablo Robotico?!

8:59 PM  
OpenID popomaticjeff said...

I'll be the first to admit I'm not on top of current events but I can't believe I didn't hear about the psycho clowns taking over Nebraska.

10:42 AM  
Blogger vanessa said...

So let me first say, I don't know how I stumbled upon your blog, but I'm digging it. That stated, I realize you were under duress with all the other pain and agony of 2008, but this list needs a little more fleshing out. Where are the notable passings of:
* Bo Diddley
* Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (I'm strangely intrigued when the 'enlightened' die. Do they actually go anywhere, or hang around doing stuff that freaks out house cats?)
* Isaac Hayes (Loved him as Chef, but Scientology nutbag had it coming)
* Charlton Heston (Loved Planet of the Apes, but right wing nutbag had it coming)
* Heath Ledger (one of the good parts of one of the few good things on your 2008 list)
and, but of course
* George Carlin

Happy 2009!
Vanessa
www.wideawakeinwonderland.com

12:22 AM  

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