Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Please Buy This Album


You're new holiday tradition has arrived! That's right, everyone's favorite blogger has recorded an album of Christmas tunes just in time for the holiday season! "But, C-dog isn't a singer? I heard him once at karaoke and he sounded like a moose dying from emphysema caught in the gears of an industrial soup-canning machine." Well, yes... it's true, C-dog hasn't been professionally trained as a song-stylist, nor can he play any instruments, technically carry a tune, or even remain upright long enough to mumble into a microphone. However, the story goes that a few weeks ago, C-dog broke into a recording studio on the outskirts of town, looking for... his words... "a place to shit in peace." What he found instead was a room filled with expensive audio equipment and, tragically, a refrigerator well-stocked for the following day's recording studio holiday party.
After consuming most of the alcohol, and after turning on the audio equipment (by smacking it with an empty rum bottle until all the lights lit up), he stumbled into the studio and magic was born!!!
When the technicians found him the next morning, he was passed out inside a large amp that he'd hollowed out for warmth. As they began to call the cops, they noticed that... in the dead of night... an album had been recorded. Could this diseased homeless man (they thought C-dog was a diseased homeless man) possibly have created an album so perfect, it was like some sort of Christmas miracle???
No. However, the Kings County district court has ordered the album's release anyway, hoping to dupe enough people into purchasing it with all proceeds going directly to the recording studio in an effort to offset the cost of the C-dog inflicted damage. So, please, won't you buy a little slice of C-dog's festive love and warmth? In the spirit of the season, perhaps, won't you open your wallet? Because, seriously, the legal fees are killing him over here!
TRACK LIST
"O Christmas Tree (What The Fuck Are You Looking At?)"
"Silent Fart"
"Deck The Halls With... Oh Shit, I Threw Up All Over the Halls"
"Who Wants To Kill And Cook Rudolph?"
"Fruitcake? I Wanted A Miata!!!"
"My Cellmate Likes To Cuddle On Christmas"
"Angels We Have Heard Get High"
"I Swear, Officer, She Told Me She Was An Elf"
"That's Not A Yule Log..."
"Dreidel, Dreidel, or, Throwing A Bone To The Jews"
"Mrs. Claus Needs A Boob Job"
"Carol Of The Bells" (actually just C-dog sobbing)
"A Methadone Clinic Christmas"
"Daddy Was A Pantsless Santa"
"Jingle Bells 2: Freddy's Revenge"

2 Comments:

Blogger Digital Fortress said...

I heard there is a bonus track on the album - "Walking In The Mall (Without My Pants)".

10:43 AM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Is 'Yes, Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes Virginia, There IS A Santa Clause' going to be on next year's album I take it?

4:14 PM  

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