Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Ways To Beat Your Depression

The economy is in the toilet. You've more than likely been laid off... and right before Christmas, no less. The heady excitement of Obama's Presidential victory has worn off and we've now realized just how much work we, as collective people, have to do to right our country's metaphorical ship. It's Winter and, thus, gross outside. Another entertainment-industry strike is looming right around the corner. The cashier at 7-11 called you "ma'am," which is distressing enough if you're an age-conscious woman, but is downright unsettling if you're a guy. (maybe you should lay off the make-up... just sayin')

Things, generally, suck out loud. So it's perfectly understandable if you're currently crippled with depression. Hell, I'm the most happy-go-lucky person I know and even I can barely will myself out of bed in the morning; frankly, I wouldn't even bother if I had some sort of chamber pot (or even a dented, rusty bucket).

So, to that end, let's discuss some things we can all do to perk ourselves up a little bit... we're nearing that special time of year, after all, where we gather with family to eat ourselves stupid and exchange presents and drink so much of Uncle Hank's "special" egg nog that we go blind until New Years (the secret ingredient: shoe polish). It would be a bummer to spend the holidays all crushing sorrow bummed out and scary, alone-in-a-darkened-room drunk.

Let's think happy thoughts! Let's get ready for the most magical time of the year! Let's perk the fuck up, motherfuckers!!!

Ways To Beat Your Depression, or "I'm smiling so much, it's beginning to freak out the cat!!!"

-Look at yourself in the mirror and say positive, life-affirming things. If you're sickened by the very sight of the fat, old person your youthful, hopeful self turned into, tape a picture of George Clooney to your mirror. Say positive, life-affirming things to George Clooney.

-Find a TV show you like... one that's got an extended run, preferably, for variety's sake... and watch it constantly. Try to never stop watching it. Repurpose the rent money towards the complete series on DVD. Pretend the characters are your friends. Your best friends. You know what show works really well for this? Friends. Also... Law & Order, because you and your best friends get to solve mysteries!!!

-Never underestimate the dulcet rush of shoplifting. You get lots of new things that don't cost you a penny, PLUS you've added a dash of danger and excitement into your life! The downside is, of course, being humiliated by a mall cop outside of Spencer's Gifts because you weren't quick enough in getting that black light poster down your pants, but hey... you have to take risks in order to live, man. Besides, it's a SWEET black light poster.

-Learn to cook! Or at least learn to microwave better.

-Order some Xanax online from Mexico. Throw half the bottle in a blender with a handle of gin, some pineapple juice, a fistful of strawberries, one whole banana, and the rest of the bottle of Xanax. Blend until smooth and creamy. It's called "The Fruity Psychiatrist" and three glasses a day will keep you pleasantly happy and full of love until your internal organs shut down and you die from sepsis. But what a way to go!!!

-Drown yourself in ice cream. Literally. But make sure you finish the job... no one likes to explain to the ER doctor why they've got half a pint of Chunky Monkey lodged in their nasal passages.

-Ever thought about voodoo? Couldn't hurt. The worst that could happen is you feel silly having bought so many whole chickens and containers of goats blood and maybe you get candle wax in the carpet (ceremonial voodoo candles are notoriously drippy). BUT... what if it works? Then you've got stick-pin effigies of your boss to torture and you've got an army of voodoo zombies to do your bidding; i.e. crush your enemies and bring you McDonald's cheeseburgers. Score! Oh, be warned, though... you might accidentally awaken dark forces from another dimension that will tear asunder the fabric of reality and wreak bloody havoc on our world. If that happens, just tell the cops you thought you were making a pleasing, Caribbean stew.

-Get dressed to the nines... new clothes, your hair just right, a nice splash of cologne or perfume... before you head down to the unemployment office to pick up your check. Let them think you found under-the-table work as a fancy hooker; it will make you feel amazing and they can't prove shit!!!

-Track down your high school sweetheart through Facebook. Write them a long email detailing exactly how wonderful your life would be had they not dumped you. Sign it, "Soon To Be Dead By My Own Hand." If they call you, try to cry hard enough to earn some pity sex. If they DON'T call you, send them a piece of flair that shows a sad looking kitten with the caption, "I'm Sowwy." Then try to have them arrested for selling heroin to toddlers. Either way, you can consider it a moral victory.

-Go to karaoke with your friends, but be that one guy or gal who's real serious about it and demands that everyone listen and then gets all emotional while belting out "Eternal Flame" by The Bangles. Your friends will hate you, but that's a small price to pay for ruining their good time. Fuck them for having fun. You're depressed and everyone else should be too!!!

7 Comments:

Blogger Sonny Amou said...

Best short list of bad advice ever. I'd swap out the song on the last one, though, for "Enter Sandman" by Metallica, but only because I do a wicked James Hetfield impression.

SA

1:38 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

I'd go with 'Foolish Beat' by Debbie Gibson.

1:43 PM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

For maximun depression I'd have go with singing Kansas "Dust In The Wind" while cutting myself in front of the horrified karaoke DJ.

2:26 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

i'd sing "i'm sick of you" by iggy and the stooges while smashing beer bottles over the heads of my friends.

then i'd wee all over the amp and electrocute myself.

best. karaoke. death. ever.

3:35 PM  
Blogger LSL said...

thank you - i needed this!

9:26 PM  
Blogger bob zombie said...

heh.. i'm slowly sinking out of my depression thanks to you.. oh, and quality meats was awesome. i just listened to part one, and i must say.. (not in a bad way!) that you're voice, in my opinion, doesn't match your face. not saying anything bad, i just didn't expect it. i guess i was just expecting something totally different haha. the podcast was awesome though.

10:30 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

True story: Quality Meats beat my depression. Literally. Now my depression is suing.

11:41 PM  

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