Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Aliens: A Pictorial

Classic Aliens

If you're hanging out at an old catfish pond, sipping corn liquor and listening to a Nitty Gritty Dirt Band tape on a beat-to-shit 8-track player from your daddy's trailer, and you just HAPPEN to get abducted by aliens... more than likely, it's going to be these bug-eyed bastards. Starting with author Whitley Strieber's supposedly true account of his own alien abduction (a novel that will cause even the most hardened, true-blue science fiction fanatic to scream "bullshit!" at the top of his lungs until his throat is red and raw) and continuing through just about every real-life close encounter made up by lonely people desperately craving attention and/or experiencing a profound psychotic break, the aliens what took them have looked very much like the ones pictures above. They're like the little black dress of the alien world... they never go out of style. They're not particularly scary though... I mean, I suppose if a whole bunch of them had you strapped face-down to a gurney and were slowly advancing towards you with a long piece of medical equipment from beyond the stars that was unquestionably about to go up your butt... okay, sure... THAT might be pretty terrifying, but still. The threat of anal rape... and ONLY the threat of anal rape... is not a good reason to fear an alien species; really, it just makes them exactly like frat guys.

Nope, sorry, if you're really wanting us to cower in our basements crying in a puddle of our own urine, you're going to have to try to eat our faces off, or at LEAST have a go at enslaving all of humanity. Otherwise you're just a bunch of pasty butt-freaks and we can see those in the East Village any day of the week.

How I would kill this kind of alien, if I had to fight one: I'd distract him with my sexy, sexy man-ass by wearing one of my many pairs of buttless chaps, then, while he was standing there all "Homina, homina, homia" (or whatever it is in their alien tongue), I'd hit him with a cinder block. They may have crazy-go-nuts space technology or whatever, but NOTHING stops a cinder block to the head. Bonus for me: Their heads are huge! Easy target!!!

Scary Aliens

Ah, NOW we're talking. These are exactly the sort of high-quality, frozen-with-terror, poop-running-down-your-leg aliens that we, as Earthlings, need to watch out for. Did you see the movies? Dudes don't mess around with sissy probes and gentle beams of light that lift you from your bed. They grab you by the neck and crack into your skull with TWO sets of jaws like a starving man eating a Granny Smith apple. Shit, even the babies can fuck you up! All bursting out of your chest like "SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!"

Man, just thinking about having to deal with these guys someday makes me want to crawl under the covers with a bottle of Everclear and drink and drink until I entirely forget about the prospect that movies might be real. I mean, I know they're not... I know it... but what if Ridley Scott and Co. just happened to get it right? What if these bastards are really out there... all claws and teeth and weirdo balloon-shaped heads... heading this way right now in their H. R. Geiger-designed spaceships because they heard Earth was basically just like a huge buffet with an ecosystem? What are we going to do? Does anyone know how to get in touch with Sigourney Weaver???

How I would kill this kind of alien, if I had to fight one: I wouldn't, obviously. Sure, I'd try to sneak up on it with a cinder block and... you never know... I might land a few blows. But then what? These things are basically stronger and more fortified than the stuff they use to make panic rooms. It would just shrug it off, turn around, take a good look at me, and walk away. I wouldn't have killed it, no, but I would survive the encounter. They may be unstoppable killing machines, but they're still health-conscious and eating a fat ass like me just wouldn't be good for their cholesterol.

Total Wussbag Aliens

Puh-leeze. What is the fucking point of being an alien if all you're going to do is play dress-up with Drew Barrymore and eat whichever candy paid the most to be prominently featured and bring frogs back to life and teach kids about "heartlights." Gag. You're basically a shaved Care Bear at that point, so you might as well pack it in and go fiddle with your Speak N' Spell for the rest of your useless existence.

True Story: As a kid, by the random luck having both childhood insomnia and HBO, I managed to see the original Alien movie BEFORE ever seeing Spielberg's E.T. So when I finally got around to seeing that little wrinkly wimp run away from the government and die because he didn't have love (or whatever), I was furious because I couldn't figure out why E.T. didn't just EAT the fucking army guys and be done with it. I had thought all aliens were badasses. Oh, how naive was I...

Some aliens are just pussies. Flower carrying pussies that hide in tool sheds and just want to be friends. LAME to Pluto and back.

How I would kill this kind of alien, if I had to fight one: EASY. I'd get down on my knees and be all, "E.T., you wanna hug?" And he'd scuttle over all trusting and we'd wrap each other in a big bear hug and we'd really connect on a deep level as two interstellar species uniting our distant worlds in a gesture of ultimate trust and friendship. And THAT'S when I'd brain him with the cinder block!

"Hilarious" Aliens

Ugh. I'm sorry... I know they were just going for cheap laughs here, as well as looking for a vehicle to harness Robin Williams's unique brand of comedic bullshittery... but c'mon. What are aliens going to think when the broadcasts of Mork and Mindy finally reach their ships light years from now? They'll be fucking OFFENDED!!! "Wait... wait... we understand how chairs work! We would never try to bag Pam Dawber!" Mork and Mindy are to aliens what Amos and Andy were to black people; unbelievably hurtful stereotypes that only reinforce negativity and will probably get us killed because no one... alien or not... likes to be mocked by a sweaty maniac in a tight-fitting jumpsuit.

Aliens will be all like, "Fine, we were coming down here to bring you the secrets of the Universe and show you some really fun dance steps, but no... NOOOOO... if that's how you think of us, then fuck you guys. Death rays on kill, bitches." Fucking Mork, getting us all killed, I swear to God...

How I would kill this kind of alien, if I had to fight one: Pour a bag of cocaine on a cinder block... watch him bash his brains out trying to hoover up every last flake.

Wise, Elderly Aliens

Look, I love Yoda. Who doesn't? But, as a representative of the vast population of our galaxy's aliens, he was just okay. I mean, sure, he knew a bunch of shit and... once the technology advanced on our part... he could wield a mean lightsaber. But also, he lived in a swamp, talked funny, and dressed like a homeless person. Not exactly the picture of class. And yeah, nerds, before you begin breathlessly drafting your emails, I know why he was there in the first place. I've seen the movies a billion times, so don't start with me. I'm just saying that, when it comes to aliens, I don't want to have to deal with a visual aesthetic that combines lizard-like muppets with the guy who asks me for spare change every morning on my way to get coffee. That is just not awesome, particularly since he's all peace and love and doesn't eat people. If he ate people, I could let it slide.
I mean, I'm not saying Yoda had to wear a suit and tie... I'm just saying he could have at least gotten an efficiency apartment on Cloud City or something, maybe done a little shopping at Old Navy. I guess there's nothing we can do about the bad syntax, but that's alright... the whole "do or do not, there is no try" thing was part of his charm.
How I would kill this kind of alien, if I had to fight one: Punting him clear across Dagobah would probably be the easiest thing to do, but... I don't know... killing an alien without a cinder block just doesn't seem right. So let's just say that I dropped a cinder block on his head while he was rifling through my droid for food.


Anonymous The Voice of Truth said...


3:09 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

What about these aliens?

8:17 PM  
Blogger bob zombie said...

what about the aliens from men in black? those little guys drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes.. i'd sure love to have one as a pet.

8:21 PM  
Blogger Douche said...

Yoda's not an alien. There is no Earth in Star Wars.

12:35 AM  

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