A Shocking Declaration
Okay, best to get on with it... mind my quavering voice...
My declaration is this:
Starting now, and extending onward into the foreseeable future, I... C-dog... am giving up beer. All types; not just the cheap stuff. Your fancy double-bocks and the raspberry infused pale ales and even the Tom Waits-ish stouts that taste like barroom sorrow. Beer, I am through with you.
I'll give you all a moment to compose yourselves. Go ahead... take your time to settle down, fix your mascara, whatever. I'll wait.
(While you're pulling yourself together, C-dog hums a soothing tune from the original score of Pippin, which is a 1970's musical about a hippie or something and maybe there's a castle in there somewhere. It's not really important. Ben Vereen was in it. He was also on Webster. Anyway, are you guys over it yet? You are...?)
Good. Again, sorry for the horrific shock. I'd imagine that at least one of you crapped your pants and, for that, I am truly filled with a heady mixture of regret and disgust and ebullient laughter. Because poo is smelly, but also hilarious. As we've discussed.
Anyway, yes... it's true... I am through with beer. But I have reasons! Let me list them for you now, in eye-pleasing bullet point form, and then you'll see that I'm not just arbitrarily making grand claims about my health like I've done so many times in the past; no, this if for real!!! Because I have reasons!!! As I said earlier!!! And they are...
-Over the Thanksgiving holidays, I drank a lot of beer. A lot. Canned beer... Coors Light, to be precise. I'm not going to give you a specific number (because I lost count), but let's just say that if the number of beers I drank were a person, It would quite enjoy the 4pm Early Bird special at a Luby's Cafeteria. It would eat a meal of liver and onions and it would tell you all about how things were different before "The Big One." It would complain about black people, but only because it grew up in a different time when that kind of talk was acceptable. I think you see my point: I drank a lot beer.
-Drinking that much beer, especially in one extended, four-day gorge-a-thon... well that just can't be healthy. In fact, I know it's not healthy because I've absolutely felt like crap for the last couple of days. Oh, sure, my feeling that way might also have something to do with the fact that I ate roughly a trillion pounds of fatty, starchy, greasy, cheese-covered, sour cream-slathered foodstuffs during the aforementioned four-day gorge-a-palooza, but whatever... I can't give up food, so for this the beer must take the fall.
-I just found out that beer sold state secrets to the Russians during The Cold War in exchange for sexy, sexy Soviet ladies.
Okay, that last one isn't true (damn my need to have reasons come in groups of three!!!), but the others are and I think they're entirely valid. Drinking so much beer over the holiday weekend kind of got me over it like when parents make a kid smoke a whole pack of Marlboros after they bust him with a cigarette behind the tool shed. I'm not kidding, the thought of drinking a beer right now... all frosty and cold, poured directly from the tap by a smiling Irishman, holding the pint glass in my hand feels like I've just discovered a part of my very being that I didn't even know was missing... Mmmmm....
God, I love beer. This is not going to be easy. But, nonetheless, it must be done. Don't want to become any more of a fat drunk than I already am. And besides, there's always liquor!
NOTE: Even though I said "for the foreseeable future" up there, I'm pretty sure I actually meant "for a week or two, just until my liver stops sobbing and trying to call the cops." I mean, let's be realistic; I'm not exactly Bob Willpower over here.
2ND NOTE: I'm having an internal debate with myself about whether I'm using the word "reasons" correctly, so I'll ask you terribly smart people: The bullet pointed items... would they technically qualify as reasons per se, or are they more just facts that support the larger, sweeping reason for me giving up beer; i.e. Because I drink too much beer and it is unhealthy? Ugh... see, this is why I'll never be a successful writer: I don't know what words mean or how to use them correctly in a sentence.