Wednesday, December 03, 2008

A Shocking Declaration

Kids... I'm going to level with you; what I'm about to say isn't going to be easy for any of you to hear. It will shock you... frighten you... it might even cause some of you ladies out there to spontaneously go into labor (even if you're not pregnant). But keep in mind that I'm not trying to be controversial... not at all... I just want to keep you all informed with the decisions I make in my life and how they might potentially affect you, the readers of ZFS!, whom are all the finest people to ever read blogs on their lunch break and/or in between bouts of downloading pornography.

Okay, best to get on with it... mind my quavering voice...

My declaration is this:

Starting now, and extending onward into the foreseeable future, I... C-dog... am giving up beer. All types; not just the cheap stuff. Your fancy double-bocks and the raspberry infused pale ales and even the Tom Waits-ish stouts that taste like barroom sorrow. Beer, I am through with you.

I'll give you all a moment to compose yourselves. Go ahead... take your time to settle down, fix your mascara, whatever. I'll wait.

(While you're pulling yourself together, C-dog hums a soothing tune from the original score of Pippin, which is a 1970's musical about a hippie or something and maybe there's a castle in there somewhere. It's not really important. Ben Vereen was in it. He was also on Webster. Anyway, are you guys over it yet? You are...?)

Good. Again, sorry for the horrific shock. I'd imagine that at least one of you crapped your pants and, for that, I am truly filled with a heady mixture of regret and disgust and ebullient laughter. Because poo is smelly, but also hilarious. As we've discussed.

Anyway, yes... it's true... I am through with beer. But I have reasons! Let me list them for you now, in eye-pleasing bullet point form, and then you'll see that I'm not just arbitrarily making grand claims about my health like I've done so many times in the past; no, this if for real!!! Because I have reasons!!! As I said earlier!!! And they are...

-Over the Thanksgiving holidays, I drank a lot of beer. A lot. Canned beer... Coors Light, to be precise. I'm not going to give you a specific number (because I lost count), but let's just say that if the number of beers I drank were a person, It would quite enjoy the 4pm Early Bird special at a Luby's Cafeteria. It would eat a meal of liver and onions and it would tell you all about how things were different before "The Big One." It would complain about black people, but only because it grew up in a different time when that kind of talk was acceptable. I think you see my point: I drank a lot beer.

-Drinking that much beer, especially in one extended, four-day gorge-a-thon... well that just can't be healthy. In fact, I know it's not healthy because I've absolutely felt like crap for the last couple of days. Oh, sure, my feeling that way might also have something to do with the fact that I ate roughly a trillion pounds of fatty, starchy, greasy, cheese-covered, sour cream-slathered foodstuffs during the aforementioned four-day gorge-a-palooza, but whatever... I can't give up food, so for this the beer must take the fall.

-I just found out that beer sold state secrets to the Russians during The Cold War in exchange for sexy, sexy Soviet ladies.

Okay, that last one isn't true (damn my need to have reasons come in groups of three!!!), but the others are and I think they're entirely valid. Drinking so much beer over the holiday weekend kind of got me over it like when parents make a kid smoke a whole pack of Marlboros after they bust him with a cigarette behind the tool shed. I'm not kidding, the thought of drinking a beer right now... all frosty and cold, poured directly from the tap by a smiling Irishman, holding the pint glass in my hand feels like I've just discovered a part of my very being that I didn't even know was missing... Mmmmm....

God, I love beer. This is not going to be easy. But, nonetheless, it must be done. Don't want to become any more of a fat drunk than I already am. And besides, there's always liquor!

NOTE: Even though I said "for the foreseeable future" up there, I'm pretty sure I actually meant "for a week or two, just until my liver stops sobbing and trying to call the cops." I mean, let's be realistic; I'm not exactly Bob Willpower over here.

2ND NOTE: I'm having an internal debate with myself about whether I'm using the word "reasons" correctly, so I'll ask you terribly smart people: The bullet pointed items... would they technically qualify as reasons per se, or are they more just facts that support the larger, sweeping reason for me giving up beer; i.e. Because I drink too much beer and it is unhealthy? Ugh... see, this is why I'll never be a successful writer: I don't know what words mean or how to use them correctly in a sentence.

10 Comments:

Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

You might be through with beer, but beer might not be through with you. Good luck.

9:47 AM  
Blogger Rachie said...

The first thing I thought when I read you were giving up beer was, "To focus mainly on liquor?" Best of luck!

12:24 PM  
Blogger Joe said...

I was a huge beer drinker. I gave it up a couple years ago to focus exclusively on vodka & club soda with lime.

I lost ten pounds and have kept it off.

Miracle of miracles.

Hey, you make your cuts while you can.

P.S. The bonus is that vodka gets you as drunk, if not drunker, than beer.

2:00 PM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Good luck, but have you thought about how beer is going to feel after you selfishly leave it to fend for itself without you in this cruel world?!?!?

Poor beer loved intensely
during a night of partying then it's tossed aside like a Christmas tree-so special, then, bam-it's abandoned on the side of
the road, tinsel clinging to it. Like sex crime
victims, underwear inside-out, bound with electrical tape.

2:15 PM  
Anonymous J. said...

I've been there, man. At times when I've left beer behind for a while either to drop a few pounds or just for a change of pace, I've found that Johnnie Walker Black Label and club soda is a passable beer substitute for me. I think it is sort of the same concept as the previous vodka and club soda suggestion. Neither is the same as beer, obviously, but since they involve carbonation and aren't sweet like coke they satisfy at least part of the craving for beer.

3:16 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

Reasons works, but rationale is better.

4:24 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

PHEW! I thought you were going to say that you were giving up the blog! So, giving up beer, huh? I think that's silly. No need to go cold turkey, you're not an alcoholic . . . or at least not an out-of-control-crazy-one. Drink Beer! Just drink in moderation.

9:50 PM  
Blogger bob zombie said...

man, i don't know what i would do with out a good cold frosty brew after a shitty day. i do like my scotch and water and whiskey/water on a more regular basis, but a good cold beer every now and again is a blessing from god. i lived in portland, or for about a year and it's the beer capital of the us, and MAN was in love with that city. drinking a beer that's upwards of 10.5% per was NICE. i could drink 3 or 4 and have a nice evening as opposed to 6 or 8.. there were hundreds of microbreweries, including Rogue Brewery (dead guy pale ale, double chocolate stout, shakespeare stout, ect..) which is one of my favorites. i loved it so much i became a picture ID card carrying member of the Rogue Nation haha.

11:31 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

The UB... Thanks, dude. You kind of hit the nail on the head, though. I'd like to give beer up for awhile... but it might not let me.

Rachie... And thanks to you as well! Yeah, liquor and I have been drifiting apart and it will be good for us to spend some quality time together.

Joe... Exactly, that's what I'm hoping for. Not a huge vodka fan, though, so I might do whiskey and club soda, which I've had before and found quite refreshing. I'm also giving up soda, too.

Digital... Very poetic. I didn't realize beer felt that way. Man, I'm a bastard to beer.

J... Right. I'll probably go for something a little more bottom-shelf (as that is how I roll), but yeah, same concept.

Brooklyn... Ah yes. That makes much more sense. Thanks!!!

Subway... Haha, nope. Not getting rid of me that easily. As for moderation... um, yeah, I don't really DO moderation all that well. If it's there, I'm going to drink it all.

Bob... See, that's the problem. It's going to be really hard to break the habit of grabbing a beer when the clock strikes "quitting time." (assuming I had a job) Also, Dead Guy Ale is delicious, as are any kind of double chocolate stouts.

7:52 AM  
Blogger Faith Thomas said...

Reason, rationale, who cares... I may be a little behind, but the only thing keeping you from beer is a bank account... You'll be back. You'll always be back.

2:56 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home