Monday, December 01, 2008

Movie Poster A Go-Go

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Er... so we're not using the word "werewolf" anymore? Is that too Universal Monsters for the black-eyeliner set? And do the producers of this movie honestly think that the sight of Bill Nighy sitting in a chair is like a selling point or something? I mean, I like Bill Nighy as much as the next Shaun of the Dead fan, but... I don't know... the dude doesn't exactly exude menace. He, more than anything, and particularly in this poster, exudes the exhaustion of a dad being forced to take his daughter shopping and who is overjoyed to discover that Forever 21 has a place for him sit down for five minutes, even if it IS an evil throne of darkness or whatever the kids are into these days.

Also, why is Bill Nighy wearing an intricately patterned leather ball gown? Is he a cross-dresser in the movie? I mean, that's cool and everything, of course... and frankly it would make the prospect of a third Underworld movie at little more interesting... but still, the reason the title has been placed over his feet is because all his dignity has pooled up around them and they wanted to hide it from us so we don't feel too bad for the guy.

Anyway... oh, and it's nice to see that they managed to keep the blue lens filters from the previous films and are, again, abusing them like The Jonas Brothers abuse sweet, sweet heroin.* You have to hand it to the producers of the Underworld movies... no one makes films more blue-tinted. No one. (guys, if we steal their blue lens filters, they won't be able to make a fourth movie... just a thought...)

*Just kidding, Jonas Brothers! Don't sue me, you nutty bunch of tweener junkies!!!

He's Just Not That Into You

Apparently, self-help books for tragically lonely women can be movies now. Movies that contain, by the looks of this poster, a wide selection of douchebags for your perusal. As there's no additional information given other than a visual list of the actors in the film, let's judge them one by one, going clockwise from the top left:

Jennifer Aniston - I guess she's the wise-but-sassy older woman in the movie and you can tell her character likes sex a lot because she's showing a tasteful bit of cleavage but not so much that you think she's a sad whore.

Kevin Connolly - Ugh. Am I the only guy out there that finds Entourage completely unwatchable? I feel like I'm betraying my gender a little bit, but also I don't care because seriously that show is like rubbing fake-tan cream directly into my eyes and then choking to death on a cellphone.

Drew Barrymore - She's become a Christian soccer mom, I guess. Hey, good for her... anything is better that marrying Tom Green and/or that nerd from The Strokes.

Justin Long - [insert Mac ad joke here, because I'm not going to]

Bradley Cooper - Hey, it's that guy from Alias. Um... glad you're still getting work, I guess!

Ginnifer Goodwin - Babe.

Ben Affleck - I think I'm one of the few people out there that actually still likes Ben Affleck, but that's okay. It's a life of quiet desperation and I've made my peace with it.

Scarlett Johansson - Every guy I know thinks she's totally hot and every girl I know wants to grab her by the dyed roots and bang her head into a wall until she's dead. Weird phenomenon. Man, I wish she'd be naked in a movie... that is seriously all I want for Christmas.

Jennifer Connolly - Her last good movie was Requiem for a Dream. I imagine that crap streak will continue with this one because, as I pointed out earlier, it's a movie based on a self-help book for women. Next up: Our Bodies, Ourselves. Actually, if that had Scarlett Johansson in it, I'd be the first one in line.

A Haunting in Connecticut

Because if there's a word that strikes fear in our collective heart, it's "Connecticut." Oooh... what's the ghost going to do... rearrange our tastefully fanned-out Martha Stewart Living magazines? Will it rumple our handmade quilts and disturb the throw pillows in the reading nook of our homey cabin? Will it cool our hot chocolate and upend the wreaths we bought at the craft fair?

Please. Connecticut is only scary to those afraid of large concentrations of WASPs.

Also, this poster...? That's not a haunting. That's a kid who took three drama classes and is going "Mom... hey Mom... Dad... look at me... hey... look at me... I'm totally dying on the ceiling right now... MOM!!!" right in the middle of dinner.

Bride Wars

The original tagline:

"Even best friends can't share the same wedding day... or something... I don't know... I'm a 38-year-old movie executive who's never had a relationship with a woman that wasn't based on the amount of money I've got in my bank account. Thus, I think all females everywhere are crazy infantile harpies who only care about pretty things and getting stuff their way and... like... I don't know, this is probably what would happen if two of them had weddings on the same day. Women are just unreasonable and can't handle things like adults, so yeah, this is probably how it would all go down. Dumb broads. Anyway, coming soon!"

Terminator: Salvation

Hehe... neat. It's a city but it's ALSO A TERMINATOR AIIIIIEEEE!!! This is like the evil brother of the Absolut Vodka ads and, for once, a poster is actually doing it's intended job; looking at this gets me psyched to see the movie. So apparently there's one good graphic designer in Hollywood.
Well kudos to him or her, I say. They've won over my nerdy heart.


Blogger Digital Fortress said...

At a quick glance the top of the Haunting in Connecticut poster looked like The Dark Knight poster to me...

Hopefully Terminator: Salvation movie won't be complete crap because I am definitely going to go see that one.

10:29 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

underworld has nothing on terminator 2!!

T2 is still the bluest damn movie i've ever seen. and one of the most over rated flicks ever. i only liked the first one.

maybe christian bale can save it...

11:05 AM  
Blogger bob zombie said...

ginnifer goodwin is definitely a babe. and if scarlett would have just gotten naked in 'lost in translation'... geez. i don't know what i would have done. that actually would be one hell of a christmas present.

11:18 AM  
Blogger ML said...

so i'm one of those girls who don't want to beat Scarlett Johannsen's head into a wall until she's dead... but that's because people tell me I look like her, and even though I don't REALLY, I want to keep her around so people will still tell me that. Because that means I'm at least remotely hot.

11:22 AM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

I have no clever retort for this post but it was yet another smack over the center field wall (as opposed to a dribbler to the mound).

11:38 AM  
Blogger LSL said...

I don't want to bang SJ's face against a wall. I would go gay for her in about thirty seconds.

12:08 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Digital... The preview for Terminator: The New Batch looks pretty awesome, gotta say. Thus far, Christian Bale has been a stamp of quality, so mabye that will hold out.

Jason... T2 was a fairly blue movie, but... I don't know... I don't remember THE WHOLE THING being blue like in the Underworld flicks. Maybe I'm remembering it wrong; it's been a super long time since I've seen it.

Bob... Ginnifer Goodwin, yeah, I thought she was a babe back when she was on that show "Ed." Nerdy hot.

ML... If I looked like a celebrity, I'd be using it to score free shit at restaurants. But that's me.

The UB... Why thank you. I was shooting for, at best, a double, but it's nice to know that my efforts were appreicated.

LSL... And I fully support that decision.

1:03 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Is the hot chick going to be in this Underworld? Am I confusing movies?

1:31 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

I still like Ben Affleck.

Don't tell anyone.

2:47 PM  
Anonymous Mark said...

If you go past Green Farms, Connecticut is a pretty scary place. Try walking around Bridgeport or Hartford after dark!

4:21 PM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

Kate Hudson looks like a blonde JLo in that poster.

5:25 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

I knew that looked like an Affleck in the "He's Just Not That Into You" movie, but I just didn't think Ben would stoop so low. Anyway, thanks for clearing that up!

BTW, make sure you update your blog roll with my new blog address -

Thanks, ZFS!

10:01 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Todd... Don't worry about it. Every movie ever has at least one hot chick in it. Unless it's some kind of weirdo "art" film where ugliness is really beauty or some shit.

Big Daddy... I won't tell anyone, I promise.

Mark... Oh, I'm sure it is. Truthfully, I've never even been to Connecticut and am basing any and all comments about said state on Martha Stewart reruns and my life-long love of Gilmore Girls.

Brooklyn... I think you might be on to something here. Notice how we've never seen JLo and Kate Hudson in the same room together... I think it's the same person just trying to pick up two paychecks.

Subway... Affleck stoops to conquer. Will update your shizzle, fo rizzle.

7:15 AM  

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