Sunday, December 21, 2008

A Message To The Happy Tourists Enjoying The Snow In New York City



A family from Fort Lauderdale, Florida attempt to build a snowman for the first time in Central Park during a snowstorm in New York December 19, 2008. (via Reuters)

Hey guys... having fun, there? Enjoying a magical Winter moment in our fair city of New York, are you? Ah... that's nice. And I see you're from Florida. Not a lot of snow down there, am I right? Ha! You crazy kids... it's fun to go on vacation, especially to an exciting place such as this. There's so much going on! Everyone is rushing around, going to Broadway shows and eating at Planet Hollywood! Exciting! The Big Apple! If you can make snowmen here, you can make snowmen ANYWHERE!!! Get it! It's just like the song, but winter-y!!!

Look... I'm happy for you, really. But I really think you should be aware of something as you're prancing about in the snow, creating memories that will last a lifetime before going to catch a matinee of Grease. Pay attention, okay? Just for a second. Yes, and then I'll tell you which way to the Empire State Building (although, not for nothing, it IS the tallest, most recognizable building in the city... you could kinda just... you know... look for that).

Here's the thing: The snow you think is so magical and photogenic... it fucking sucks. I mean, sure, it's pretty for about five minutes when it first starts to fall... I'm not made of stone; I recognize the beauty inherent in nature. HOWEVER, that shit gets old real quick. Especially when you're trying to get to a bar in the East Village and the whole of Cooper Square is a freezing swamp of deep, Abyss-like slush puddles and OF COURSE you step right in one up to your ankle and then you have to wear a wet, slimy, frostbite-inducing sock for the rest of the night. Nothing more miserable than that... nothing. It makes all your friends seem annoying and the drinks you drink taste like cat pee. The world turns ashen and grey; your soul curdles and rots.

Wet socks... man. They are the dark, hateful underbelly of your joyful, family-bonding-in-Central-Park, good time, Fort Lauderdale family, and I hope you take a second to fucking reflect on that.

Oh, and, a bunch of homeless people probably froze to death over the weekend because they passed out in an open area after drinking too much lighter fluid and/or shooting up the nasty skag you get on the Lower East Side out the back of a warehouse from a guy with a lot of homemade tattoos and a severe limp. So yeah... you're basically celebrating an agent of death, if you don't count the liver-destroying accelerants and the hard street drugs.

Anyway, have fun at the Empire State Building!

3 Comments:

Blogger bob zombie said...

hahahaha!! that shit was hilarious. i laughed so hard i spilled my coffee and the other tech (the only other person in the office today, because it's fucking SUNDAY) looked over from his desk of 6 monitors and 4 broken laptops and says "heh, what's so funny? did that dell machine give you that crazy 733 error?"... and then i laughed at him. yesh. my day is complete.

11:41 AM  
Anonymous J. said...

I hear you, man. This is my last winter here in Northern Japan before I, hopefully, return to Hawaii and leave winter behind me for ever, or at least for three or four years. It may be funny to watch somebody slip on ice and bust his drunk ass but it is not fun to be that guy. I've also experienced the freezing wet sock and it sucks a thousand asses. I look forward to shuffling from bar to bar in shorts and flip flops, although the tourists are pretty annoying in Hawaii as well.

11:21 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

That's why I wear waterproof boots!

4:00 PM  

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