Friday, December 19, 2008

The Worst Soda In The World

My curious nature and driving need to always be thrifty with my soda purchases has fucked me over, big time. But... c'mon... how could you NOT buy something called "Champagne Kola?" Particularly since the word "Kola" is misspelled in a zany fashion! Zany word play, in my experience, always equals a quality soda experience.
NOTE: C-dog knows that's technically how you spell the word "kola," in relation to the actual kola nuts from the rainforest that were once used to make soft drinks. He chooses to ignore this fact, so please don't bother pointing it out.
And their usage of the word "champagne;" that's just icing on the cake! I think champagne is fantastic, particularly if your friends have just gotten hitched or the world has made it through another year without blowing up (and... side note... I've often been called "The Champagne of the Blogosphere") So why shouldn't we take the high falutin concept of schmancy bubbly booze and apply it to our non-alcoholic beverages? It's genius idea wrapped in a blanket of joy (which was sewn by the Baby Jesus as an arts n' crafts project in Heaven's summer camp)!!!
So, anyway, I saw the Champagne Kola at the store last night and, rather than my usual el cheap-o grape soda, I bought it. $1.99 for three liters of a bargain mystery substance is just too exciting for me to pass up.
I brought it home, I chilled it in the fridge, and then I poured myself a big, honkin', hopeful cup of it's amber-colored awesomeness...
Except... it WASN'T awesomeness. It was whatever the OPPOSITE of awesomeness is. Barfsomeness, I guess. Oh god, kids... Champagne Kola is the worst soda in the world.
Let me see if I can describe to you the taste...
Okay, I think Champagne Kola might have started it's life as some form of cheap, bastardized cream soda. There's definitely that taste to it, but only faintly... a fart on the wind during a Springtime picnic. But it's origins hardly matter, as it appears that someone at the White Rose crap factory decided it would be a hilarious practical joke to dump an entire bottle of your grandmother's perfume into the Champagne Kola mixing vat. We're talking a strong and robust taste of flowers here, mixed with the sharp tang of a chemical I can't quite place... oven cleaner, perhaps. I'm not joking... this soda literally tastes like old-lady perfume. I've never experienced anything like it.
My question is... why? Why make a drink that tastes like that? To what end would it's creation serve? And what kind of sick fuck would actually, willingly drink a whole bottle of this stuff?
I mean, besides me, of course. Shit... it cost me two bucks. Like hell I'm letting it go to waste. Believe me when I say that I plan on mixing it wish just SO much booze. Because... as I hope I've made abundantly clear... this is some nasty stuff. Don't ever buy it, not even to use it on your enemies in a bid to quench your never ending lust for revenge.
No one deserves White Rose Champagne Kola... no one.


Blogger Lioux said...


This is one of those times I wish I were still living with someone, came home and opened the refrigerator to see THAT bottle of soda staring me in the face.

Living with a total stoner, I would find all sorts of food oddities all over the kitchen.

This, however, is delishious. <--[zany spelling].


10:31 AM  
OpenID popomaticjeff said...

You should try mixing it with champagne!

10:39 AM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Don't give up on champagne cola just yet! Look for Tropi-Cola or Materva or my favorite Cuban soft-drink Iron Beer. Delicious. Maybe you can do a It Came From The Latin Market post.

11:39 AM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

champagne kola

durian fruit

mix in blender


vomit profusely


11:43 AM  
Blogger Sonny Amou said...

Goes well with a fifth of T-Bird ripple.

3:01 PM  
Blogger lacochran's evil twin said...

I'll bet it's not even really from France.


5:22 PM  
Blogger The Snarky Card Chick said...

I think that this actually sound perfect for revenge. In fact, it should now be called Revenge-Cola.

6:26 AM  
Anonymous Snarky said...

I sort of like this soda--they drink it in Jamaica

7:04 PM  

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