Saturday, December 27, 2008

A Panoply Of Meat

I've been in Texas for three days now and, in that time, I've managed to eat at least a little bit of the flesh from every creature that currently exists, every creature that has EVER existed, and last night I'm pretty sure I ate some unicorn.

So much meat thrust by the fistful into my greasy, gnashing maw... my veins run thick with beef fat, my sweat smells like grill seasoning, I've started pooping out whole pork chops...


A brief and incomplete rundown of all the meats I've eaten...

NOTE: Keep in mind, this is only a partial list; were I to name every kind of meat I've eaten in the last three days, I'd be typing until New Years and that is unacceptable. There is more meat to eat and I can't be kept from it for long.

-Bacon (obviously)
-Bacon & Egg Quiche
-Summer sausage
-Sausage stuffed mushroom caps
-Beef tenderloin
-Beef brisket
-Steak (which I recognize is also beef)
-Sliced turkey
-Seared ahi tuna (it's sort of like meat in the sense that something had to die before I could consume it)
-A kaleidoscopic array of jerky
-Ham... glorious ham...
-A deer that I stalked through the woods and, after dragging it down by the neck, consumed whole under a full moon.
-The buttocks of a dead soccer player after a plane crash
-The rest of the dead soccer player
-A Yeti that crossed me
-Much too much squirrel meat (also, various "critters")
-A quart of goat's blood
-A gryphon
-Braaaaaains... BRAAAAAAAINS....

I'm sorry, I would love to stay and chat with you further, however a whole ox has just come out of our (very large and ox-shaped) oven and I must lay that magnificent bastard low. Take care, kiddos! Eat more meat!!!


Blogger jason quinones said...

consume away you glorious carnivorous bastard!

also, if you've not heard of it, you might like this new show on the travel channel called MAN VS. FOOD.

seems right up your alley.

9:40 AM  
Blogger Lioux said...



1:38 PM  
Anonymous lejla said...

i didnt know mom made unicorn!
don't eat it all before I get home.

2:46 PM  
Blogger Molly said...

1. this is disgusting.
2. excellent use of the word "panoply"

11:12 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home