Tuesday, January 06, 2009

My Qualifications

As many of you know, I have been unemployed for the last nine kajillion months (or something like that; time has lost all meaning and also I'm not sure what month it is, what city I'm in, and where my pants went). It has not been a fun experience in much the same way that getting shot square in the face with a .357 Magnum would really put a crimp in your social calender. Some of you might think that I'm overstating the case just a bit...

I'm not.

Being out of work blows. Especially when you're not the son of a millionaire who owns seven speedboats made of actual speed and sets $100 bills on fire to heat up a rich fondue made of expensive cheeses and the blood of the Baby Jesus. And just so we're clear, I'm not that. Never have been, never will be. And, thus, my situation... days spent in a sweaty panic as I comb the job listings, nights wrapped tightly in insomnia and worry, eating my feelings, drinking to numb the pain. Good times...? No.

So, with that in mind, I'm going to use this blog to "get myself out there." To proffer my wares, as it were, to a cold, unfeeling job market in the hopes that someone... anyone... will take pity on me and my FIVE, STARVING CHILDREN and POOR, SICKLY PARENTS and offer me, blessedly, sweetly, a job.

NOTE: Just between you and me, the five starving children are really just my cat (who, for the record, is well-fed), and my parents are in good health. But don't tell my prospective employers that; C-dog's working the sympathy angle over here.

2ND NOTE: Prospective Employers... ignore the above note.

MY QUALIFICATIONS, or, "Hire me and you can have your heart medicine back!"

-I have three years of data entry experience

-I can type 60 wpm (which stands for "words per minute, and not "Winnipeg prime minister," just so we're clear)

-I'm a "go-getter." Meaning, I can go get you stuff.

-I'm familiar with most computer programs and, as a bonus, I know how to find the websites that host the "hamster dance," the "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" dancing banana, as well as many, many illegal off-shore poker tourneys. I can also find you some duck porn if you happen to be into that sort of thing.

-I have a kung-fu grip.

-My urine is clean if you need someone on stand-by to help you ace a drug test.

-I smell pleasantly of an Autumn meadow (my secret: I rub potpourri in my pits).

-I've seen all the Nightmare on Elm Streets, as well as all the Friday the 13th movies and you never know when that sort of information is going to come in handy. The fact that it hasn't yet, not even once, only proves that it will any day now.

-I did not have sexual relations with that woman. (your mom)

-I dance like a dream! Or, rather, a nightmare, which is technically still a dream.

-I have very little shame, dignity, or sense of self, so if you want to hire a guy for the sole purpose of having someone to huck tomatoes at all day long... yo, right here. I am not adverse, either, to being hunted on a deserted island should you happen to be an insane billionaire intent on matching wits with "the most dangerous game." Truthfully, I ain't that dangerous, so you'll probably win. Cash up front, though.

-I am the Way and the Light.

So what are you waiting for, people who could hire me? Hire me already!!! C'mon, all the cool kids are doing it! Think of my sick children and starving parents! Or... wait... other way around... whatever, just HIRE ME!!! I'll make you feel goooood, sailor...


Anonymous ML said...

whoa wait .... DUCK porn? ...part of me wants to see it, and part of me wants to keep on believing it doesn't exist...

9:02 AM  
OpenID popomaticjeff said...

I bet you hear that you are over-qualified for the position a lot.

9:51 AM  
Anonymous Mike said...

with your data entry experience - I would suggest first checking major medical research centers: sloan kettering, cornell-weill, columbia-presbyterian, mt. sinai... check their clinical research listings - they're always looking for data management/entry people.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Ross said...

I was just thinking that I needed someone to huck tomatoes at while looking at duck porn.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Sonny Amou said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

12:17 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Clinton, if you need someone to look over your duck porn from a technical perspective, feel free to email it to me.

1:36 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

I feel your pain, C-dog. When I was unemployed it was fun for like 5 seconds and then I was depressed. I tried to go back to being an alcoholic, but what fun is that when there's no one to get drunk with (except 2 cats) and there's no one to drunk dial b/c they are at work and hating you for bothering them. But with the resume you posted I'm sure you'll find a new job in no time! :) In the meantime, I may take you up on that drug test offer in the near future . . .

1:50 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Ladies and germs.....

Duck Porn

3:21 PM  
Blogger quin browne said...

the economy sucks rocks (i barely saved my house)... honestly, i wish you the best.. your talents are wasted in the real world, and i've the hope one day, you (and mike) will be discovered and make a fortune on your clever selves. not in a hooker sense of course...

7:14 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

ML... Once you see it, it cannot be unseen.

Jeff... Not as much as I hear, "Sir, we won't start the interview until you put your pants back on."

Mike... Thanks for the tip, dude! I spent the majority of my day signing up for those hospital's various job banks. We'll see what happens.

Ross... My rates are reasonable!

Sonny... Did you rescind your offer? Because I have a nagging suspicion that my resume is part of the problem...

Todd... My duck porn is fine, thanks. Perv. (I'm making you a tape!)

Subway... Yep, that's where I'm at right about now. Trying to stay positive has pretty much been my job the last few weeks. Blah.

Big Daddy... You always come through for me, BD!

Quin... Thanks dude. I'm not too far from considering the hooker option, though.

11:26 PM  

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