Being out of work blows. Especially when you're not the son of a millionaire who owns seven speedboats made of actual speed and sets $100 bills on fire to heat up a rich fondue made of expensive cheeses and the blood of the Baby Jesus. And just so we're clear, I'm not that. Never have been, never will be. And, thus, my situation... days spent in a sweaty panic as I comb the job listings, nights wrapped tightly in insomnia and worry, eating my feelings, drinking to numb the pain. Good times...? No.
So, with that in mind, I'm going to use this blog to "get myself out there." To proffer my wares, as it were, to a cold, unfeeling job market in the hopes that someone... anyone... will take pity on me and my FIVE, STARVING CHILDREN and POOR, SICKLY PARENTS and offer me, blessedly, sweetly, a job.
NOTE: Just between you and me, the five starving children are really just my cat (who, for the record, is well-fed), and my parents are in good health. But don't tell my prospective employers that; C-dog's working the sympathy angle over here.
2ND NOTE: Prospective Employers... ignore the above note.
MY QUALIFICATIONS, or, "Hire me and you can have your heart medicine back!"
-I have three years of data entry experience
-I can type 60 wpm (which stands for "words per minute, and not "Winnipeg prime minister," just so we're clear)
-I'm a "go-getter." Meaning, I can go get you stuff.
-I'm familiar with most computer programs and, as a bonus, I know how to find the websites that host the "hamster dance," the "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" dancing banana, as well as many, many illegal off-shore poker tourneys. I can also find you some duck porn if you happen to be into that sort of thing.
-I have a kung-fu grip.
-My urine is clean if you need someone on stand-by to help you ace a drug test.
-I smell pleasantly of an Autumn meadow (my secret: I rub potpourri in my pits).
-I've seen all the Nightmare on Elm Streets, as well as all the Friday the 13th movies and you never know when that sort of information is going to come in handy. The fact that it hasn't yet, not even once, only proves that it will any day now.
-I did not have sexual relations with that woman. (your mom)
-I dance like a dream! Or, rather, a nightmare, which is technically still a dream.
-I have very little shame, dignity, or sense of self, so if you want to hire a guy for the sole purpose of having someone to huck tomatoes at all day long... yo, right here. I am not adverse, either, to being hunted on a deserted island should you happen to be an insane billionaire intent on matching wits with "the most dangerous game." Truthfully, I ain't that dangerous, so you'll probably win. Cash up front, though.
-I am the Way and the Light.
So what are you waiting for, people who could hire me? Hire me already!!! C'mon, all the cool kids are doing it! Think of my sick children and starving parents! Or... wait... other way around... whatever, just HIRE ME!!! I'll make you feel goooood, sailor...