Top Chef: New York - Episode 7

Previously on Top Chef...

Some Christmas bullshit! Martha! No one got sent home!

OPENING REMARKS

...sigh... I am really getting sick of this show. Mostly because of the constant, whoreish product placement (more on that in a minute), but also because none of the contestants are particularly interesting IN THE LEAST. I literally have no connection to any of them except that I sort of think Fabio is funny and I sort of think Jamie is a bitch. But neither of these emotions are strong enough to incite me to root for or against either of them. I kinda feel like I'm watching Top Chef out of habit rather than any real interest. That sucks.

-Hey, look, there's a new regular judge. He's bald too, just like Tom. Oh, his gimmick is that he's "mean" and "British." FAN-tastic. Another reality show personality that thinks they're Simon Cowell. That's exactly what this show needs.

THE SHOW

It was okay... half miserable product-plugging bucket of diarrhea lameness, half pleasant idea with some nice twists. So it averages out, I guess. C... C-... somewhere in there. Points off because the ending was predictable as all hell, but that's just life sometimes. It's funny, though... and a testament, I guess, to the power of this show's editing... how clear it is which chefs suck, which ones will get voted off next, and in what order. I guessed who was going home within the first five minutes of tonight's episode and was, unsurprisingly, right on the money. Whatever. I guess it beats watching a blank wall, say, or doing something productive with my life.

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE

Seriously, fuck everyone involved with the production of this show. I know they have to pay the bills and junk, but C'MON... the Diet Dr. Pepper Quickfire Challenge? There's selling out and then there's letting a bunch of Thai businessmen bang you on a table covered in blow for a few crumpled twenty dollar bills. And the renaming of the challenge wasn't the worst part! It was the constant cutting away to cans of Diet Dr. Pepper, to the contestants clearly being forced to mouth the words, "Diet Dr. Pepper," to a guy in a giant Diet Dr. Pepper can costume dry humping Padma on a big pile of gold coins. I'm pretty immune to corporate fuckery at this point but... man... I don't know... it really got to me tonight.

Anyway, the actual challenge was to create a "sweet treat" (gag) without using any sugar. So, like, natural sweeteners, then... honey, fruit juice, DELICIOUS CANS OF DIET DR. PEPPER WHICH FOR SOME REASON DON'T COUNT AS PROCESSED SUGAR HMMMM I WONDER WHY?!?! To their credit, I don't think any of the chefs actually used the Diet Dr. Pepper, save for Ariane, but she's a dipshit anyway so who cares.

There were lots of crepes made, some oats and grains got used, and Hillbilly Deluxe even made a "dessert burrito" full of baked fruit. (it was pretty tragic)

In the end, Radhika's bread pudding made the guest judge (some French guy) the most happy. So she gets immunity for the Elimination Challenge for at least the 5,000 time in this competition. Which is a good thing, because apparently she can't cook anything worth eating past the show's thirty minute mark.

Anyhoo...

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE

Basically, since everyone either sucked or was boring last episode, the producers have decided to just let them do whatever they want in the hope of injecting a little life into the season. To make matters a little more interesting, the dishes will all be tasted "blind," as in the judges won't know who cooked what. AND, to further sweeten (with Diet Dr. Pepper) the twistiness, the chefs will be split into two teams... one cooking, the other eating and commenting along with the judges, then they switch.

I don't know, maybe it's just because it was paired up with the retardedly bad Quickfire Challenge, but I thought this EC was pretty good. Particularly since they're getting rid of two people tonight (since no one was cut last episode)... it's the kind of challenge that gives those not good enough to be there plenty of rope with which to hang themselves.

So the first group cooks and the second group judges. Then they swap places. SO not getting into who was in which group and what they said and what they all, individually, cooked because, seriously, who gives a crap? Let's just say that some of the dishes were good, some sucked out loud, the new judge... Toby, for the record... thinks he's hilarious, and we'll move on.

JUDGEMENT

The best dishes belonged to...

Stefan, who made some sort of German duck thing with braised red cabbage and dumplings

Ariane, who made a skate wing with pineapple and some other junk

and Jamie, who again cooked a scallop, but this time not so shittily

The ultimate winner of the night is Jamie, which is awesome because it means we don't have to listen to her bitch and moan about not winning an EC anymore. She looks very smug when her name is called and I kind of want to smack her in the face with a spatula. Then again, I've kind of lost the will to care that much.

The losers of the night were, to the shock of no one...

Hillbilly Deluxe, who made fish tacos of sadness.

Eugene, who tried to get all creative with a fried whole fish and daikon radish pasta that was, apparently, fresh from the kitchens of Chef Blandy McBlanderson.

and Crazy Carla, who also made a scallop dish, but she DID cook it shittily.

In the end, it's Eugene and Hillbilly Deluxe going home because, well, they obviously were over-matched in this competition and it's kind of a miracle they made it this far. Crazy Carla lives to follow her hippie spirit heartsongs and creepily roll her eyes around another day.

Next time on Top Chef...

Hung! Whole pigs! Stefan and Jamie hate each other! Arrogant Euro-smoking!