Sunday, January 11, 2009

Thoughts On The Angry Whopper

NOTE: The only image of the Angry Whopper that I could find was this one, which appears to be a picture of a billboard somewhere in Europe. The fact that the ad text is written in German only enhances the overall "angriness" of the Whopper. Mit Angry Onions Und Jalapenos, indeed... ve have vays of making you talk... Sie werden, Amerikanischer hackfleischabschaum sterben!!!

God bless you Burger King and your continued pushing of the cheeseburger envelope. You've given us a burger with mashed potatoes on it, you've given us a burger smothered in
mushrooms even though the thought of eating mushrooms in a fast food restaurant kind of makes us all collectively want to barf until we die... and now... oh, it's almost too beautiful to type... you've given us the first cheeseburger in the history of the world capable of human emotions. And boy is it ever pissed off.

The Angry Whopper... a meat-brick liberally coated with a variety of toppings designed, one would assume, to mimic the way it feels to find your mailbox smashed in by punk kids, say, or to discover that Steve stole your lunch out of the company refrigerator even though it CLEARLY had your name on it in Sharpie. Fucking Steve... looks like you're going to have to get your lunch elsewhere today. If only there was a fast food chain offering a burger that could perfectly mirror the raging conflagration that IS your current mood... ah, to live in such a magical world...

According to the website copy for the Angry Whopper, it contains the following ingredients:

Pepperjack Cheese - Reasonable, especially when you consider that Pepperjack cheese has a history of violence and has attended many court-ordered Rageaholics Anonymous meetings in lieu of jail time for beating it's kids (Monterrey and Baby Gouda).

Angry Onions - No explanation as to what made these onions so angry. My guess? They slept with a shallot they met in a skanky bar out by the airport and now they've got to spend the next couple of weeks with a tiny comb and some special shampoo. Really, they're just angry at themselves for not being careful, but you better believe they're going to take it out on us. Onions don't handle their feelings very well; they lash out when all they really want is a hug. (don't hug them, though... you might catch it)

Jalapenos - Ethnics are notorious for their volatile emotions, so the inclusion of jalapenos here is no surprise.

"Angry Sauce" - There isn't any further information given as to the ingredients of said sauce. One can assume, however, that it contains high levels of capsaicin for heat, perhaps some garlic for extra bite, and a few droplets of pure, liquefied rage, drained fresh from the bile ducts of recent carjacking victims and people who've gotten ripped off by Ponzi schemes. You can buy liquifed rage over the internet from a pharmacy in Thailand, in case you're interested.

All of this combines into a cheeseburger so powerful, so spicy, so... ANGRY... that we mere mortals have little chance of containing it. That's why the eating of an Angry Whopper inevitably concludes with the onset of Angry Diarrhea. It burns, yes, but ask yourself... wasn't it worth it? To experience such raw emotions in a fast food sandwich, isn't a little bowel discomfort an acceptable price of admission?

Of course not, you just shit out a piece of your intestine. But that's the Angry Whopper for you. It will see you in flame-broiled Hell, motherfucker.


Blogger Todd said...

Mmmmm. German anger makes me hungry!

9:01 PM  
Blogger Subway Gal said...

HAHAHA thanks to this post, I never, EVER want to eat, or mess with, the Angry Burger.

9:16 PM  
Anonymous J. said...

Damn, man. I lost this bet at work and can't eat anything but ramen for two weeks. Right now I would kill somebody in front of his own mama for a burger. And if anybody testified against me I'd gouge his eyes out.

3:03 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Todd... I feel the same way. Whenever I hear "luftwaffe," I immediately think, "mmm... waffles."

Subway... Even I'M kinda scared of the Angry Whopper. I mean, in the interest of science, I'll probably eat one one of these days. But it's going to be pretty scary.

J... Ah, never place your food-eating on the line. I knew a guy in high school who lost a bet and, thus, had to eat only Taco Bell for a month. He nearly hung himself.

8:03 AM  
Anonymous EH said...

I shared this post with some of my appreciative friends. Some thought is would be funny to consider what other personified dishes they could come up with.

Oh, and I immediately got back wads of responses explaining how the "Angry Whopper" is now available in the US. Yes, way. I'd like extra angry sauce, please!

2:42 PM  
Anonymous EH said...

And oh yeah. I'd like the Arrogant Chef's Salad, please. No olives.

2:46 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

EH 1... Glad you liked the post. I should have mentioned that it was available here in the US; I got the idea while walking by a Burger King the other day that was advertising it in a most aggressive manner.

EH 2... We're out of the Arrogant Chef's Salad, however we do have plenty of the Sad Salmon(it's a nice piece of fish flavored with the tears of the recently dumped and/or unemployed).

3:56 PM  
Blogger Nathan Buckley said...

I know it's stupid, but I really want this hamburger now.

3:35 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I don't think it's stupid. I think there's every chance this could be a very tasty burger. Although I have heard reports that it's nowhere NEAR as spicy as they claim it is. Peppery, but not spicy. Which furthers my theory that fast food places will never put out a truly spicy product. Only one that's over-seasoned.

3:41 PM  
Blogger Nathan Buckley said...

True. I just read a review that said it wasn't spicy enough. I'm still going to buy one today and report back. The commercial got me really excited.

3:43 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Well done, sir.

3:36 AM  
Blogger Nathan Buckley said...

So, I dumped 10 friends through the burger king facebook application. Filled out the form. No free angry whopper yet! Still waiting!

11:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice story as for me. I'd like to read a bit more about that theme.
BTW check the design I've made myself Overnight escort

8:02 AM  

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