A Brief Word About Scams...

How do you know... REALLY know... if someone is scamming you?

It used to be so easy. Back in the old days, all you had to do was look at the guy's mustache; was it black and did he continually twirl it? Was he also wearing a top hat? And did he have a squat assistant that laughed manically while bungling up schemes, but was kept around due to his slavering devotion?

If the answer to all those questions was, "Yes," then you, good sir, were about to be scammed out of your farm's harvest money by no-good carpetbaggers from back East.

Now though... it's all slick and computerized and they use sexy women who are really just large mounds of dynamite and you ended up exploded and being held upside down by your ankles while a large man shakes you vigorously to ensure every last coin in your pocket falls out and into the waiting top hat below. (scammers still all wear top hats; some fashion accessories never die)

It's scary out there, particularly for those of us who are generally broke and living off the good will of others. We lot can't AFFORD to be scammed; we don't get the luxury of shrugging off the loss, having learned a valuable lesson that will only make us that much wiser in the future. No. We get scammed and that's it; blowing businessmen in parked cars outside of bus stations for rock money is what we will henceforth refer to as "our life."

Frankly, that doesn't sound like something I'm all that into. Sure it might be fun at first, but so is paintball. After a few hours, though, you're covered in bruises and blobs of sticky goo and you suddenly realize that you're lost and alone in a cold uncaring world and that's when your brain shuts off. Then you're just a shell of a man, turning hard-hearted tricks for handfuls of loose change/singing up for a Labor Day Round-Robin All-Day Paintball War and Weenie Roast. Tragic times, man... tragic....

Look, my point is, there are people out there who want to take your money. Bad people. EVIL people... remember what I said about the top hats? The kind of guy who would wear a top hat in this day and age; THAT'S who wants to take your money. Chilling, I know.

So you have to be vigilant. Always watch your back. There's no such thing as a "wallet inspector," nor are there people out there who can take your bank account number and turn it into three Ferraris and a mountain of girls in diamond lingerie that all think you're the nation's #1 sex machine. They are lying to you, just trying to get ahold of, essentially, your innocence to use for their own sick, twisted designs.

So, in conclusion, be smart. Be safe. Watch out for scammers. And, changing the subject, would anyone like to invest in some hot stocks that haven't hit the market yet but are about to blow up HUGE? It's for a company that makes... ah... baby AIDS destroyers. They destroy baby AIDS. Don't you want in on that??? It's going to go nuclear! Here, let me inspect your wallet for a second. Don't worry, I have a license...