Friday, January 23, 2009

Friday Morning Hodgepodge

I know that every blogger and their sentient rolls of belly fat have already weighed in (no pun intended) on yesterday's Oscar Nominations and that, if you're a normal person who quite frankly has other shit to worry about that doesn't involve silly awards given out to millionaires, you probably don't even care... HOWEVER... I, being someone who enjoys movies a whole lot (and run-on sentences, apparently) would like to throw out my two cents worth so, please, just bear with me for a bit. I'll try to keep this brief.

Actually, all I want to say is this: The Dark Knight got dick-shanked and... really, Academy? REALLY? I want all of you to look me in the eye and tell me that The Reader, a movie about Nazi statutory rape, is a better movie than The Dark Knight, a movie about awesomeness to the power of three. I want to see if you'll actually lie to my face. Because, quite frankly, you haven't a leg to stand on. You want proof? How about...

Their Rotten Tomatoes scores:

The Dark Knight 94%
The Reader 60%

Thanks Rotten Tomatoes! You've given us cold, hard numerical facts that The Dark Knight is a far superior film! Suck it, Academy!!! Please, just go ahead and issue a de facto statement making it clear, once and for all, that if a studio makes a film about the Holocaust and casts in it a big enough star, it WILL get an Oscar Nomination regardless of it's inherent quality. Seriously, I'm fine with you implementing this practice; I just want you to be honest about it.

Anyway, that's basically all I had to say about the Oscars. It's just disappointing because it really seemed like, given their Best Picture choices from the last two years (The Departed and No Country For Old Men), there had been a definite uptick in quality appreciation amongst the ranks of the Academy. But I guess that was just an anomaly; we're definitely back in the realm of Crash and Million Dollar Baby and A Beautiful Mind and Gladiator and... wow... the list just keeps on keepin' on...

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So, I've been doing the whole Twitter thing for a couple of weeks now and... I don't know... I've really enjoyed it and all but I also feel like it's kind of ruining my life on a cosmic, metaphysical level. See, I've been Twittering a lot... like, A LOT, a lot... many times a day, mostly out of a stir crazy-induced need to communicate with the outside world. And that's understandable, I guess, however I fear that I may have gone too far. It feels like, to a growing degree, that I've cracked my brain open and released it's gooey contents onto the internet in a free-flowing river; like the thoughts that I think are not my own, but now belong to EVERYONE. It feels like I've twittered myself into a state of mass consciousness! My mind is now one with... let's see... 25 people!!!

Wait... only 25 people? What the fuck? I know there's more than 25 of you bastards out there that want to join my metatextual brain orgy, so what's the hold up? To paraphrase Prince in Purple Rain... you have to purify yourselves in the waters of Lake MY MIND!!!

But anyway, yeah, Twitter has turned me into a real freak.

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I'm eating a bag of Cheez Doodles for breakfast. They're a soothing shade of orange and they taste... well... like "cheez," however you want to define that. It's not cheesy, it's not buttery, it's not like anything made from natural ingredients... it just tastes like a thing that has an unnecessary "z" in it's name. And that's okay; sometimes you need a little synthetic empty calories in your diet. For one thing, when you do decide to eat something actually grown in nature... a Granny Smith apple, say, or an ear of corn... you'll have something to compare the clean, fresh flavors against. I think nature would win that battle. Particularly if we're specifically talking about Cheez Doodles here; even as far as junk foods go, Cheez Doodles are pretty fucking lousy. They taste like if you licked the side of someones face right after they died of a heart attack during a Green Bay Packers play-off game. Or like if a package of Velveeta went to live in a sewer for ten years to get away from society but then resurfaced and fell asleep on the hot sidewalk for a week. Or if the whole concept of cheese got mummified in a pyramid in Egypt but came back to life because of a curse and...

Well, I think you get the point I'm trying to make about my breakfast. Ha ha... I really don't take care of myself AT ALL, huh? When I die, spread my ashes in the grocery store snack section. Clean up on aisle... sadness...?

10 Comments:

Blogger Ross said...

Man, now I want to eat Cheez Doodles while watching The Reader.

There goes my Friday.

10:11 AM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

Dude, if Cheez doodles had the gumption to hire their own poet Laureate then I believe it would be you. You are the Maya Angelou of cheez doodle poet laureates

2:11 PM  
Blogger The Unbearable Banishment said...

I got involved with Twitter for about :30 seconds and bailed out. I won’t get involved with it for the same reason I don’t do Facebook. It’s just another stupid electronic popularity contest. I went through high school. I already know I’m not popular.

3:00 PM  
Blogger lacochran said...

It's the texture of Cheez Doodles that's awesome. Like hardened foam. Ahh.

I always think of Twitter like those electronic pets. Eventually you just let it die.

4:14 PM  
Blogger Stewart said...

I'm loving the ZFS Twitter action. Brightens up my day. And when you respond to MY tweets, it puts a song in my heart (until my boss tells me to shut the f%@k up, and get back to work, at which point I tell him "You're not the boss of me", and then have to face the awkwardness of the moment when I remember that he is...)

4:53 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

i think we as a people have all come to accept the fact that the oscar board are a bunch of moronic twats with zero taste in film.

CRASH was a steaming pile of bullshit with bullshit sprinkles on top!!!!

5:45 PM  
Blogger jason quinones said...

@ unbearable banishment- MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY!!!!

...yet i'm still into this blogger thing??

5:47 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Do you have random people you don't know following you on Twitter?

Five people are following me now, and I have no idea who they are.

One is a musician in the UK....

?

7:16 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Ross... No good will come of either of those things.

Bill... I get that a lot. I've also been called the Maya Angelou of turkey clubs, of radial tires, and of the hearts of all the lovely ladies.

The UB... I like the Twitter because it gives me another avenue to inflict my thoughts upon the world. Living in these modern times is awesome that way; if I were in the Old West I'd have to like write on horses or just yell a lot.

Iacochran... I'll probably drop it once the new web-fad comes along. I'm fickle like that.

Stewart... Ah, we're all just one big happy family. And tell your boss you'll light him on fire. That usually puts bosses in their place.

Jason... Yeah, pretty much. Crash is literally the worst movie to ever earn the Best Picture distiction. Here's my impression of Crash: "Hey, you know racism? It's bad!"

Big Daddy... I have a couple of random people on there, but that's kind of why I like Twitter. Meeting new people is neat.

3:12 AM  
Blogger TFKoP said...

Even god weighed in on this year's best picture nominations:

http://www.holytaco.com/god-expresses-his-anger-over-dark-knight-oscar-snub

12:00 PM  

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