Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Movie Poster A Go-Go (Cranky Edition)

Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail

I didn't realize it was a crime to set back one's own race fifty years as far as cultural tolerance is concerned, but hey... whatever keeps Tyler Perry off the streets is fine with me. I mean, okay, credit where it is due... the guy CLEARLY has a head on his shoulders for marketing... how else do you explain the success of his terrible movies, terrible TV programs, terrible books, terrible line of grill seasoning, terrible electric cars, etc. The dude knows how to move product; no denying that. But have you actually SEEN the stuff he produces? I'd like to think that if Dr. Martin Luther King were here today, he would set aside his message of peace and love and just beat the living shit out of Tyler Perry, if for no other reason than the cackling minstrel shows he's got on TBS right now. Watch the commercials sometime and then look me dead in the eyes and try to tell me that wasn't the worst thirty seconds of your life, including the time you got shot in the face by mobsters behind a check cashing joint. Tyler Perry... you should be ashamed of yourself and all the things you do.

But I guess what I'm REALLY trying to say is that this movie looks pretty bad and I don't want to see it.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li

How they think they're going to make a Street Fighter movie without the soulful, moving performance of Raul Julia as M. Bison, I'll never understand. Who's playing M. Bison in this one? Neil McDonough? Who's that? Is he Raul Julia? Ah... he's NOT Raul Julia. So what the fuck is the point of making of another Street Fighter??? I'm sorry, but the "Legend of Chun Li" is not a legend that anyone is particularly interested in seeing writ large on the big screen. Here, let me save you twelve bucks: There's this chick named Chun Li. All the guys like her because, when she does her patented helicopter kick thingy, you can see her little animated underpants. If you're the type of guy who plays a lot of Street Fighter 2, this is the sort of thing that gets you really excited. Because you are a greasy perv. END OF FUCKING LEGEND. And what's hilarious? I bet this movie has exactly zero panty shots. Which means you're going to have a lot of mad, blue-balled nerds to deal with, Hollywood. Enjoy that. Bring lots of hand-sanitizer.

H2: Keep Beating The Horse; Let's Make SURE It's Dead

Rob Zombie... dude... I like you, okay. "Dragula" was a cool song and, hey, I even enjoyed The Devil's Rejects, even though it was the first movie in history to actually smell like unwashed crotch. I think your heart is genuinely in the right place; you seem like a true horror fan, however misguided, and that always gets a generous amount of slack from me, a douchebag with a blog who thinks he knows everything (this is false self-deprecation; I *do* know everything). But here's the thing: Why are you... someone who purports to deeply love the genre... participating in the ruination of our beloved classics? Are they just firehosing you down with cash? Do they have some of your family members tied up in a basement somewhere? Jangle your facial piercings slightly if yes. Because otherwise you seem to be working at cross-purposes with your stated agenda; i.e. making quality horror flicks. With the aforementioned Devil's Rejects, you were actually starting down the right path. But then you veered off course to take a dump on history. Unacceptable. And now you're really smearing that dump into the carpet of our society by making a SEQUEL? Man, I don't know. You've really changed Rob Zombie. You're not the guy I thought I only sort of liked anymore.

Race to Witch Mountain

I refuse to believe that we live in a world that contains a major box office star named "Dwayne." That's the name of a guy who drives a tow truck in a small town outside of Fort Worth. It's a name that should be stitched over the pocket of a dirty, short-sleeved work shirt. It's a name born of the trailer parks, and there should it stay for time immemorial. Go back to "The Rock," dude. That at least was descriptive of your acting style.


Some movie posters are obscure about the movies they're promoting and you look at them and go, "I am intrigued; I will remember the title of this film and perhaps, if my instincts are correct, I will pay money to see it when it arrives at a theater near me." The poster for Knowing, which depicts the Earth flaking of numbers like some sort of math-inspired dandruff, only causes people to think to themselves, "Ah, excellent, another shining example of how Nicholas Cage is squandering all the good will he worked so hard at building up early on in his career. Peggy Sue Got Married, Vampire's Kiss, Raising Arizona, Leaving Las Vegas, Adaptation... all great films. Hey, maybe I'll go rent one of those instead of watching... whatever this is. It can't be good, I know that much is true."

Transformers 2

This has been kind of a bilious, mean-spirited edition of Movie Posters A Go-Go, so let me add an additional poster to the usual five; something I'm actually looking forward to seeing.
Um... so there it is. Up there. Transformers 2. I liked the first one because there were Transformers that turned back and forth from cars to robots. And there were big explosions. Kinda sick of Shia LeBeouf at this point, but that's okay. Robots go boom, and so forth.
Yeah, that's going to be sweet.


Blogger Rachie said...

I'm so with you on the Tyler Perry thing. Whenever I see advertisements for his crap, the thought "TYLER PERRY MUST BE STOPPED!" always jumps to mind. He is a one-man crap factory.

And I'm so glad you didn't rip on Transformers because, quite frankly, that movie was unrippable. 80s childhood nostalgia? Check. Huge production budget? Check. Awesome fight scenes involving transforming robot-cars? Check. Can't wait for the second one!

10:44 AM  
Blogger panda with cookie said...

Well, I know Rob Zombie personally.

6:24 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Rachie... Oh yeah, Transformers was great. Or, rather, it was exactly what I wanted from a Transformers movie. Neat robots, things blowing up, action... that's it and that's what it delivered.

Panda... HA!!! Oh man, there's a joke from days gone by. Well played.

11:57 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

I want to know who watched all that Tyler Perry crap.

I'm thinking older black women.

2:35 PM  
Blogger Bill From Gainesville said...

C- Dog, I have no idea how you are still unemployed. You are a funny, creative motherfucker and if I was the hiring manager at any place you applied for, It wouldnt matter if you had any ability, I would hire you just to have you around -- a sample of the conversation might sound like this: COLLEAGUE: "Damn Bill, I dont know if we should hire Clinton to be one of the rocket scientist on our engineering of the next generation space shuttle. He barely understands multiplication much less the physics and Calculus we need all our rocket scientists to understand." ME: "Fuck it, the dude cracks me up, lets hire him."

10:48 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Big Daddy... I say you're pretty much dead-on.

Bill... I appreciate that; wish other people felt the same way. It's hard out there for a humor writer with no connections and worthless psuedo-degree. And yet no one writes rap songs about us. The world is a cruel, cold place.

8:01 AM  

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