Saturday, January 24, 2009

ZFS! Will Cure Your Hangover, Guaranteed*

NOTE: ZFS! really cares about you, man... or lady... or lady-man (ZFS! also does not judge)... and, as that's the case, ZFS! wants to help you get over your horrible, no-good, very bad hangover. ZFS! has lots of cures. You should listen to ZFS! It is The Way and The Light. Here now, the ZFS! patent-pending methods for destroying a hangover (patent-pending).

-Get in the shower and make the water so hot that it nearly scalds you. Stand there for like five minutes, or until you're steamed like a dumpling. Then, all fast, make the water so cold, it hurts your balls. Even if you don't have balls. Stand there for like five minutes until you nearly die. Keep alternating between scalding hot and freezing cold. Hot then cold. Hot then cold. Hot then cold. Eventually your body will explode, but just before that happens... hangover cured.

-Order a bunch of shitty Chinese food and eat it so fast you don't even taste it. Also, before you eat all the Chinese food, rob the Chinese place. The rush of adrenaline that you get from pointing a loaded gun at the head of a man who came over from Kowloon to make a fresh start in America will feel amazing and it will evaporate all the alcohol in your body in a flash. Don't forget to get some fortune cookies! Those are so good and it's fun to read your fortunes allowed to friends! Or your new cellmates!

-Are you allergic to bees? No? Eat a bunch of bees. Their stingers carry a poison that's the same thing as Gatorade so it will replenish your fluids. It's true! (this is most likely not true, I just want to see somebody eat a bunch of bees)

-Make your roommate punch you in the stomach as hard as they can. Now you can finally sue that bastard for assault! This will teach them to leave their dirty socks lying around when you've got a lady or a dude over that you're trying to get with (sexually). See how they like a little jail time... heh... serves them right... oh, and... uh... this will somehow cure your hangover.

-Anything cold is always soothing to the hungover, so stick a tray of ice cubes up your butt. Not the WHOLE tray, silly... just the cubes FROM the tray. Or, actually... you know what... go ahead and stick the whole tray up there. That would be pretty hilarious. And gross. Rectal trauma will probably cure your hangover though, or at least it will make you stop thinking about it. Because your rectal will be traumaed.

-Sit your hangover down and try to explain that you're just not that into it. Then snap your fingers all sassy. Then go shoe shopping! Then cry your lonely self to sleep. Then go to brunch! Then cry all over yourself in line at a Cold Stone Creamery. Then take dance lessons! Then cry at your dance lessons until they ask you to leave. The point is, your hangover loved you and YOU were the one that couldn't deal.

-Whatever you do, DON'T take an entire bottle of Tylenol to make the headache stop. This will kill you apparently. Which is a fact I wish I'd Googled before I took a whole bottle of Tylenol just now. Hm. Well... who wants all my stuff? Show of hands... okay, that's most of you. Tell you what, whoever eats the most bees wins.

*Not a guarantee


Blogger Subway Gal said...

Dear, ZFS!

I tried sitting down with my hangover on Saturday morning and telling it to go the f*ck away because I didn't drink that much the night before and back in the day I had a much higher tolerance and would not be getting a visit from hangover based on what I drank on Friday night. Hangover told me to go to hell and said it could show up whenever it wanted. So, I stayed in my bed crying for the better part of the day. Maybe next time I'll have to try robbing the Chinese place. Can you believe those bastards only accept cash???

8:04 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I cry at all my dance lessons.

10:16 PM  

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