The Memphis Airport, Or, "Hell On Earth"
So we're here.... finally... after spending more time in the Memphis airport than should ever be allowed by the constraints of human decency. If you've never had the pleasure of spending five hours in the Memphis airport, please, let me help you recreate the experience:
First, find as much as Elvis music as you can get your hands on. Crank it up to a decibel level usually found only at demolition derbies. Next, get some very poorly made BBQ. Eat it while grimacing. Then, get a good-sized statue of Elvis. Beat yourself over the head with it until you're bleeding out your eyes. Finally, remember all that Elvis music? Cram it all down your throat until a CD shard slices open your trachea. Die with the words to "Heartbreak Hotel" ringing in your ears.
Not that I at all begrudge my experience in Memphis. It's made me a stronger person in much the same way that spending three years in a Vietnamese POW camp will make you able to handle anything else for the rest of your life. I've seen evil, kids; it's slathered in neon and blue suede.
NOTE: Don't think I don't love Elvis. I do. It's just... well... he's used in Memphis as less of a legend and more of a cudgel to beat you into souvenir-buying submission. It gets old, s'all I'm sayin'.
Anyway, so that happened. The rest of the trip was fairly uneventful, though I did want to mention one other thing... The guy sitting next to me on one of my flights, a real "look at me, I'm a big, important businessman" type, was reading what might possibly be the most offensive book I've ever seen. It's this:
Yes, it's a book about management effectiveness that uses the tragedy of 9/11 to "teach us lessons about how we do business." Also, I'm fairly certain the cover photo is trying to say that the FDNY and a guy who works in the marketing department of mid-level Manhattan firm are pretty much the same thing. Seriously, I spent the whole flight trying to figure out a way to elbow Mr. Fancy Briefcase in the neck without getting thrown in airport jail.
Okay, off to play. Talk soon, my lovelies.
First, find as much as Elvis music as you can get your hands on. Crank it up to a decibel level usually found only at demolition derbies. Next, get some very poorly made BBQ. Eat it while grimacing. Then, get a good-sized statue of Elvis. Beat yourself over the head with it until you're bleeding out your eyes. Finally, remember all that Elvis music? Cram it all down your throat until a CD shard slices open your trachea. Die with the words to "Heartbreak Hotel" ringing in your ears.
Not that I at all begrudge my experience in Memphis. It's made me a stronger person in much the same way that spending three years in a Vietnamese POW camp will make you able to handle anything else for the rest of your life. I've seen evil, kids; it's slathered in neon and blue suede.
NOTE: Don't think I don't love Elvis. I do. It's just... well... he's used in Memphis as less of a legend and more of a cudgel to beat you into souvenir-buying submission. It gets old, s'all I'm sayin'.
Anyway, so that happened. The rest of the trip was fairly uneventful, though I did want to mention one other thing... The guy sitting next to me on one of my flights, a real "look at me, I'm a big, important businessman" type, was reading what might possibly be the most offensive book I've ever seen. It's this:
Yes, it's a book about management effectiveness that uses the tragedy of 9/11 to "teach us lessons about how we do business." Also, I'm fairly certain the cover photo is trying to say that the FDNY and a guy who works in the marketing department of mid-level Manhattan firm are pretty much the same thing. Seriously, I spent the whole flight trying to figure out a way to elbow Mr. Fancy Briefcase in the neck without getting thrown in airport jail.
Okay, off to play. Talk soon, my lovelies.
posted by Clinton at 10:56 AM
4 Comments:
oh, Jesus! Whatever you do, don't say he's dead.
Damn, it may be too late for this advice.
Isn't profiteering off of national tragedy the American way?
newark to memphis.
dream flight
Please don't judge Memphis by the quality of its airport ! I am sorry you had a layover, but you should have gotten out to see a few things around town. Say, like the BBQ; NEVER eat airport food anyplace. If you ever come back try the "BBQ SHOP" on Madison, or "Paynes" on Lamar. It is good Sh*t. There are lots of good garage/punk bands around town too. In fact, Memphis is known for kinda being the first to rehash that style of music in our era; beginning in the late 90's before anyone else was thinking about the Strokes or the White Stripes(no offense Jack) on Bedford Ave. (although, much props to late 70's NY punk scene whom started it all.) One of the doods from then, has a label here and a store "Goner-Records" Check out some of the bands on that label. Pretty cool. Also there is a wealth of Soul, and blues music here that has been around for a century. If you swing by Check out the STAX Museum. Lots of other great artists came(and still come) from here. WIlliam Eggleston lives around the coner from the Dive bar that I work at(the Lamplighter Lounge) He worked with ANdy WOrhal in the late 70s and eairly 80s. Johnny Cash, Lyle Lovette, Loretta Lynn, Jerry lee lewis all recorded back in the day. Check out sun studio museum. anyway. whatever
Post a Comment
<< Home