Arbitrary Rulings

Walnuts - They suck. They're oily and they taste unpleasant, like they've got the flavor of the forest trapped within their too-hard-to-open shells. And I don't mean "flavor of the forest" in a good way, like, "ooh, this cup of cider tastes like a walk in the woods during Autumn." No, I mean it like, "wow, this walnut tastes like dirt."

Fire Escapes - I get the safety aspect of the fire escape concept, but has anyone ever seen one actually used for that purpose (movies don't count because movies aren't real)? Seems to me, fire escapes exist in the city mainly so that poor people have a place to hang their laundry. I'm going to say that, despite the fact that I guess they could possibly someday have the potential to save someones life, fire escapes are worthless and ugly and their mothers dress them funny.

Shot Putt Competitions - While being able to throw a large-ish steel ball farther than another guy doesn't seem outright like an ability I'd put my support behind, I'm going to have do a dipsy-doodle on this one and say, "Thumbs up, shot-putters!" It's not so much that I actually care about this particular Track and Field event; I don't. It's more that shot-putters are large, angry men who would probably quite enjoy using their huge muscles and dictionary-sized hands to pummel the soft, doughy flesh of a blogger who was snotty about their chosen athletic skill. I don't need to be chased around by a steroid-enlarged Russians, is all I'm sayin'.

McDonald's Stores That Don't Sell Ice Cream Or Milkshakes - It's hard to believe, but they're out there. I know this to be true because there's one down the street from my house. They're a McDonald's "Express," which apparently translates into, as I mentioned, a lack of an ice cream machine. One can extrapolate from this that the making of a strawberry milkshake or a caramel sundae with nuts is a time-consuming process that eats up man-hours and requires the toil and sweat of every employee behind the counter, perhaps even needing the extra assistance of those McDonald's workers that are off that day and must be called in for an "all-hands" situation. It can be further assumed that, should more than two ice cream-based items be ordered at one time, they have to call in the recently retired, salty ex-manager who's "too old for this shit," but is, "the only one who can get the job done without anyone getting killed." He makes everyone call him "Sarge." Anyway, these McDonald's Express stores are total bullshit because I'd like a milkshake right now, thanks.

William Shakespeare - It would be easy to be all, "Yeah, he's overrated and didn't even write his own stuff and he probably smelled like a wet horse's nutsack." But I can't harsh on Shakespeare. The guy was just that good. The way I see it, once you write something that's still being taught to bored 9th graders like a billion years after you shuffled off the mortal coil, then you can do all the criticizing you want. Until then, and especially considering that all you've cranked out in the last few years is a lot of MySpace surveys about "what you're doing RIGHT NOW, NO CHEATING!!!", then it'd be better for everyone if you kept the back-sass towards The Bard to yourself.

Deodorant - Nicely done, chemical product we all collectively smear under our arms... nicely done. I don't think you get enough credit for doing such a good job at making us not stink. Hey, tell you what, this Sunday... take the day off. Nobody will mind since, hey, it's the weekend and who are we trying to impress? Go to the beach, sit for a while in a bar, maybe take in a movie... whatever you do, just chill out, bask in how much we love you, and don't let some jerkwad rub you in his pits for at least 24 hours. Monday though, it's back to work. It'll be hard to get anything done if the whole office smells like a pilates instructor's hamper.