Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Arbitrary Rulings

Walnuts - They suck. They're oily and they taste unpleasant, like they've got the flavor of the forest trapped within their too-hard-to-open shells. And I don't mean "flavor of the forest" in a good way, like, "ooh, this cup of cider tastes like a walk in the woods during Autumn." No, I mean it like, "wow, this walnut tastes like dirt."

Fire Escapes - I get the safety aspect of the fire escape concept, but has anyone ever seen one actually used for that purpose (movies don't count because movies aren't real)? Seems to me, fire escapes exist in the city mainly so that poor people have a place to hang their laundry. I'm going to say that, despite the fact that I guess they could possibly someday have the potential to save someones life, fire escapes are worthless and ugly and their mothers dress them funny.

Shot Putt Competitions - While being able to throw a large-ish steel ball farther than another guy doesn't seem outright like an ability I'd put my support behind, I'm going to have do a dipsy-doodle on this one and say, "Thumbs up, shot-putters!" It's not so much that I actually care about this particular Track and Field event; I don't. It's more that shot-putters are large, angry men who would probably quite enjoy using their huge muscles and dictionary-sized hands to pummel the soft, doughy flesh of a blogger who was snotty about their chosen athletic skill. I don't need to be chased around by a steroid-enlarged Russians, is all I'm sayin'.

McDonald's Stores That Don't Sell Ice Cream Or Milkshakes - It's hard to believe, but they're out there. I know this to be true because there's one down the street from my house. They're a McDonald's "Express," which apparently translates into, as I mentioned, a lack of an ice cream machine. One can extrapolate from this that the making of a strawberry milkshake or a caramel sundae with nuts is a time-consuming process that eats up man-hours and requires the toil and sweat of every employee behind the counter, perhaps even needing the extra assistance of those McDonald's workers that are off that day and must be called in for an "all-hands" situation. It can be further assumed that, should more than two ice cream-based items be ordered at one time, they have to call in the recently retired, salty ex-manager who's "too old for this shit," but is, "the only one who can get the job done without anyone getting killed." He makes everyone call him "Sarge." Anyway, these McDonald's Express stores are total bullshit because I'd like a milkshake right now, thanks.

William Shakespeare - It would be easy to be all, "Yeah, he's overrated and didn't even write his own stuff and he probably smelled like a wet horse's nutsack." But I can't harsh on Shakespeare. The guy was just that good. The way I see it, once you write something that's still being taught to bored 9th graders like a billion years after you shuffled off the mortal coil, then you can do all the criticizing you want. Until then, and especially considering that all you've cranked out in the last few years is a lot of MySpace surveys about "what you're doing RIGHT NOW, NO CHEATING!!!", then it'd be better for everyone if you kept the back-sass towards The Bard to yourself.

Deodorant - Nicely done, chemical product we all collectively smear under our arms... nicely done. I don't think you get enough credit for doing such a good job at making us not stink. Hey, tell you what, this Sunday... take the day off. Nobody will mind since, hey, it's the weekend and who are we trying to impress? Go to the beach, sit for a while in a bar, maybe take in a movie... whatever you do, just chill out, bask in how much we love you, and don't let some jerkwad rub you in his pits for at least 24 hours. Monday though, it's back to work. It'll be hard to get anything done if the whole office smells like a pilates instructor's hamper.


Blogger blythe said...

oh! i hate walnuts too, but i feel like i should like them or something. did you (do you) ever get shamrock shakes?

9:59 AM  
Blogger Ross said...

Shamrock shakes are the best! They are the only thing I'm willing to get at McDonald's. The film Supersize Me really put me over the edge.

10:11 AM  
Anonymous girlfriend said...

I also hate the Express McDonalds because they are "Too Express" to serve Steak Bagels...the only good breakfast food.

10:13 AM  
Blogger Benjamin Kabak said...

McDonald's just sucks in general.

10:16 AM  
Blogger lioux said...


I tried to go the McDonald's®™©™ near my apartment last night and it was closed for renovations!

Without any warning or anything.

Stupid McDonald's®™©™.

10:21 AM  
Anonymous David said...

Ode to Clint.

Walnuts they really suck, are very oily and unpleasant.

Fire Escapes exist only to get cluttered by the city peasants.

Shot Putters like steroids for their Christmas presents.

McDonalds with no shakes to be had is Clint’s sad lament.

Shakespeare despite stolen words, will be ever omnipresent.

Deodorant will hopefully take away the stench of this poetic torment.

10:35 AM  
Blogger Sally Tomato said...

I like walnuts. I also like brussels sprouts. I'm that weird.

As for McDo, I could go on a whole rant about how I can't get Shamrock Shakes in NYC which annoys me to no end. They're the only thing I'll put down my gullet from McDo's now that I've seen, and been disgusted by, 'Super Size Me'.

10:45 AM  
Blogger d said...

thanks for finally giving deoderant its' due.

(did i put that apostrophe in the right place? i don't know. where's my ap style guide?)

11:28 AM  
Anonymous highonmoxie said...

in my very southern family, it's kind of a sin to not like walnuts or pecans, and i hate both. i'm kind of the black sheep for that reason.

well, it's either that or the fact that i do tend to dress in a sheep's costume that's been spraypainted black from time to time.

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

I'm not really a fan of nuts in general, but I gotta say, a few Christmases ago my cousin made candied walnuts and gave all of us little jars of them, and I devoured mine. Goddamn. I don't know how she made them, and I don't want to know, it might ruin the magic. They were so good I took my parents' jar too. :P

11:46 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Blythe... I refuse to comform to the Man's idea of what nuts are acceptable. Also, I said "nuts." Heh.

Ross... Yeah, those Shamrock Shakes are great. Particularly with a little rum in them. As for Super Size Me... Great movie, but it didn't change my McD habits one bit. Because I'm a horrible person.

Girlfriend... I know. Everyone, you have NO IDEA how bitter Girlfriend is about this. Seriously.

Kabak... In theory, yes. Is actual, delicious greasy-ness, however, McD's is tops.

Lioux... I smell a breaking-and-entering scheme!!!

David... Dude! Seriously, I'm touched. Why does no one else write me poems???

Tomato... Yeah, that's pretty weird. Then again, I ate head cheese the other day, so who am I to judge?

D... It was time.

Moxie... Yeah, you gotta watch yourself with hating on pecans in the South. They've hung people for less.

Giggleloop... Those sound tolerable. Candied anything though has got to be at least somewhat edible, I think.

12:35 PM  
Blogger The [Cherry] Ride said...

Nice use of "mortal coil" in your Shakespeare rant. Well played.

1:08 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Walnuts have their place: in brownies.

Now hazelnuts and macadamia nuts, don't even get me started on those.

And I have a question...do people really eat acorns?

To me, they're squirrel food.

3:04 PM  
Anonymous highonmoxie said...

hmm. i once saw a guy eat an acorn. but he was high. really, really high. and stupid.

okay. it was me. and i wasn't high. someone dared me.

okay i lied again. i asked a friend if they dared me, they said no, and i did it anyways.


4:50 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

What'd it taste like?

6:50 PM  
Anonymous highonmoxie said...

it tasted bitter. all i remember was not being able to feel my tongue for a minute.

and then the ass taste came.

9:51 AM  
Blogger stew said...

these are all making me rofl and stuff. Really. I am on the floor, rolling.

Shakespeare's great and whatevs but can he do the "ABCs of me" survey as good as I do it? Oh, no, I think he cannot. Some fuckin genius.

11:07 AM  
Anonymous David said...

You I have someone in my office and here I am trying to keep from laughing.

11:56 AM  

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