Three Douchey Items Now Available Through The SkyMall Catalogue

An Automatic, Voice-Activated Grocery List Maker



Apparently, rich people don't have access to pencils and paper. Now, I know that the SkyMall catalogue, in general, caters to our nations lazier tendencies with an unmatched vigor, but this product is just at the absolute apex of slothfulness. For some reason, I can only imagine it being used by shriveled, wealthy opium abusers who are laying on soiled linens while lackadaisically fondling a handful of golden ducets. "Milk, cheese, a new Chinese servant, more opium..." they'll whisper into it's microphone, and then the list prints out, ready for the houseboy to fetch their master's wants. It saddens me greatly that this thing will in all actuality only be used by uptight soccer moms in Westchester county who've never had a real job and consider spending their husband's money "a hobby."

A Monogrammed Brand For Your Meat



I used to work in a video store in the East Village called Kim's Video. If you're unfamiliar with it, it's basically a snotty place for snotty people to gather and be snotty about music and movies, before making their purchase (snottily, of course) and heading back out into city to come up with new and interesting ways to be snotty. Needless to say, working there, I met just an unbelievable amount of jerkwads who's sense of entitlement was only matched by the sheer density of their pretentiousness. One of my favorites was the guy who, though clearly a lifelong resident of the NYC area, dressed entirely and only in cowboy regalia. We're talking full on Stetson, bandanna, artfully mussed-n'-stressed Levi jeans... the works. And he had that "I'm a desperado" swagger too, which made every single employee who came in contact with him want badly for a scalping hatchet to materialize in their hands so they could dispatch of this blowhard in a manner fitting his attire. My point is, he totally owns one of these steak branders. I just know he does.

The Airplane Douche Pillow Deluxe

Can you imagine sitting next to this guy on a flight? With his hateful mustache and his "Dad" shirt and his giant, pale-blue douche pillow on his tray so he can "catch some shut-eye" before the "big sales meeting?" The urge to rabbit punch him repeatedly in the back of the head like a cheating prizefighter would be so overwhelming, it'd detach the wings from the plane and everyone would die because this guy made the most ridiculous purchase ever in the history of wasting money. Ugh, he has no idea that he's sleeping on a plush representation of how much everyone hates him.

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