Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Three Douchey Items Now Available Through The SkyMall Catalogue

An Automatic, Voice-Activated Grocery List Maker

Apparently, rich people don't have access to pencils and paper. Now, I know that the SkyMall catalogue, in general, caters to our nations lazier tendencies with an unmatched vigor, but this product is just at the absolute apex of slothfulness. For some reason, I can only imagine it being used by shriveled, wealthy opium abusers who are laying on soiled linens while lackadaisically fondling a handful of golden ducets. "Milk, cheese, a new Chinese servant, more opium..." they'll whisper into it's microphone, and then the list prints out, ready for the houseboy to fetch their master's wants. It saddens me greatly that this thing will in all actuality only be used by uptight soccer moms in Westchester county who've never had a real job and consider spending their husband's money "a hobby."

A Monogrammed Brand For Your Meat

I used to work in a video store in the East Village called Kim's Video. If you're unfamiliar with it, it's basically a snotty place for snotty people to gather and be snotty about music and movies, before making their purchase (snottily, of course) and heading back out into city to come up with new and interesting ways to be snotty. Needless to say, working there, I met just an unbelievable amount of jerkwads who's sense of entitlement was only matched by the sheer density of their pretentiousness. One of my favorites was the guy who, though clearly a lifelong resident of the NYC area, dressed entirely and only in cowboy regalia. We're talking full on Stetson, bandanna, artfully mussed-n'-stressed Levi jeans... the works. And he had that "I'm a desperado" swagger too, which made every single employee who came in contact with him want badly for a scalping hatchet to materialize in their hands so they could dispatch of this blowhard in a manner fitting his attire. My point is, he totally owns one of these steak branders. I just know he does.

The Airplane Douche Pillow Deluxe

Can you imagine sitting next to this guy on a flight? With his hateful mustache and his "Dad" shirt and his giant, pale-blue douche pillow on his tray so he can "catch some shut-eye" before the "big sales meeting?" The urge to rabbit punch him repeatedly in the back of the head like a cheating prizefighter would be so overwhelming, it'd detach the wings from the plane and everyone would die because this guy made the most ridiculous purchase ever in the history of wasting money. Ugh, he has no idea that he's sleeping on a plush representation of how much everyone hates him.
Click here for any further douchebaggy needs.


Anonymous Giggleloop said...

I don't know, I'm kind of a fan of the idea of a flying alarm clock. Now that aluminum softball bat I keep under my side of the bed can finally see some action!

1:52 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

Can the The Airplane Douche Pillow Deluxe®™©™ be used at home or office?!

Or just airplanes?

2:01 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

Next time you should fly like this.

2:30 PM  
Blogger stewpid said...

um, ok, ummm... how do you get the Douche Pillow past the gate agent? "No, it's ok, it doesn't fit in the overhead. I'm going to stick my nasty face in it for five hours."

Does it say how many times you can bash your seatmates in the face with it while you struggle to get out to go to the bathroom before they dismember you? No? I bet it's three. Plus if you use that thing, how are you going to read your piece-of-shit half-baked-Tibetan-wisdom and football-coach-asshattery sales and self-help book that you read before all your douchey sales meetings? HOW????

3:00 PM  
Blogger stewpid said...

ps the grocery list thing is AWESOME! Does it recognize "whatever wine is cheapest" "lube" and "herpes meds"? If so um I need one.

3:02 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Yah, I totally want the grocery list thing.

I always forget stuff.

It's be great for blog ideas too.

3:03 PM  
Blogger stewpid said...

ps am I the only one who tries to think of nasty things to put on a steak brander? like FKU and stuff?

4:12 PM  
Blogger Sally Tomato said...

I have updated the picture of the Sky Pillow. Look in your email.

4:30 PM  
Blogger d said...

stewpid totally stole my comment. i'm gonna get two brands so's i can burn 'assfce' into my meat.

5:53 PM  
Blogger stewpid said...


7:41 PM  
Blogger stewpid said...


7:42 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

I want one of each!

10:26 PM  
Blogger Mr. Shain said...

i own item #1 and i love it

1:55 AM  
Blogger blythe said...

c-dog, don't even pretend that you don't want a meat brander that simply states ZFS. don't even.

2:06 AM  
Anonymous Giggleloop said...

Blythe - that would be a swell birthday present for him, actually. He totally put that in there on purpose. :)

8:58 AM  
Blogger brookLyn gaL said...

If I knew how to photoshop, I would totally make the steak brander say "ZFS!" instead of "CZS".

10:36 AM  
Blogger stewpid said...

"eat myc unt"

7:42 PM  
Blogger stewpid said...

"blo wme"

omg I really need a SkyMall catalogue.

4:14 PM  

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