Saturday, August 11, 2007

There's More To Me Than What You Know

NOTE: I'm currently sitting Saturday night out due to a rippin' sinus infection that's decided to turn my head into it's command center while it goes about the business of making my life miserable with a capital "SNOT." Usually I don't post on Saturdays (because even I need a break from me at least once a week) but, since I'm in desperate need of something to take my mind of the mounting pressure behind my face, here's this...

Ten Things I Haven't Told You About Myself In Over A Year Of Near-Continuous Blogging

1. I really enjoy a nice apple, but no so much that I'll just go on and on about it like some people I could mention *coughJohnnyAppleseedcough*.

2. It was originally called Bell Biv DeVoe & Davis, but I was released from my contract for not being "phat" enough while simultaneously being much too "fat."

3. You know Underoos? Totally my idea. Well, I like to draw on my underwear, anyway. Still think it's worth a lawsuit...

4. You haven't lived until you've tried my Strawberry-Rhubarb Pie. Literally. It's the first thing that doctors give to fetuses when they're still in utero. Once they've ingested my Strawberry-Rhubarb Pie, the process of becoming a real-live human can begin. It's that good.

5. I write the songs that make the whole world wish ears had never happened.

6. The homeless love me. Partially because I'm a witty conversationalist, but mostly because I sweat vodka.

7. Saying my name to the cashier at any Duane Reade will get you an automatic discount on batteries. I have no idea why this is, but it's true. True-ish. Look, I steal batteries from the Duane Reade, okay.

8. I was Baby Jessica. Or, rather, I spent a lot of time down a pipe in Midland, Texas during the late 80's. But that's pretty much the same thing, right?

9. All I can do is love you, even if you won't stop abusing drugs and alcohol. You're my man, Clyde, and I'll always stick by you, through thick and thin, through good times and bad, through the thrown bottles of Old Grand-Dad and all the spent needles laying around the apartment like they was a carpet. Even still, Clyde, even still... you're the greatest man I've ever known.

10. I came up with the slogan "ice cold and pube-filtered," but there weren't any takers in the world of advertising. Except for Coors, of course, but even I have standards.


Blogger stew said...

hey, man, thanks for sharing. I know this wasn't easy. If it helps, I am boycotting Bell Biv DeVoe starting later this afternoon. Oh, and I could use 4 AAA's, please.

3:00 PM  
Blogger Todd said...

Is Baby Jessica hot yet? She's got to be around the same age as the Olsen twins, right?

10:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The apple is the pomaceous fruit of the apple tree, species Malus domestica in the rose family Rosaceae. It is one of the most widely cultivated tree fruits. The tree is small and deciduous, reaching 5-12 m tall, with a broad, often densely twiggy crown. The leaves are alternately arranged simple ovals 5-12 cm long and 3-6 cm broad on a 2-5 cm petiole with an acute tip, serrated margin and a slightly downy underside. Flowers are produced in spring simultaneous with the budding of the leaves. The flowers are white, five petaled, 2.5-3.5 cm in diameter, white with a pink tinge that gradually fades. The fruit matures in autumn, and is typically 5-9 cm diameter (rarely up to 15 cm). The centre of the fruit contains five carpels arranged in a five-point star, each carpel containing one to three seeds...

9:55 AM  
Blogger lioux said...

You sweat VODKA?!

9:56 AM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

‘Baby Jessica’ 20 years later"

6:45 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

so far, number 5 is my favorite.

we call 'homeless' peeps 'briggins'.
fun AND mean.

12:22 AM  

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