You're Killing Me, Texas
I love my home state of Texas, I do, but there are times when I'd like to lift it up by it's ears (or it's borders, I guess) and give it a good hard shake. And it's not just because of all the crazy Bible-thumpers that live there, and it's not just because it occasionally has tolerance issues that would make people in 1960's Alabama go, "Whoa, friend, you're being kind of dick," and it's not just because of the unfortunate George W. Bush connection... No, my frustration, my embarrassment, stems largely from the fact that we, as a state, continually insist on doing things like this.
Yep. The Texas Redneck Games.
(sigh)
You know... I work really hard to do my part to convince people that we Texans aren't all a bunch of gross idiots who fling stuff off the back of a pick-up truck. I try to tell people at every available opportunity that we're not all "that way" when it comes to eating possum, say, or driving stolen four-wheelers through private property on the way back from an illegal fireworks run. I've put years of effort into this cause and, BLAM, it's all undone because a bunch of my fellow statesmen insist on participating in an "ugly butt-crack" contest, whatever the hell that might be.
So, fuck it. Fuck. It. If my people are all going to act this way, then fine... FINE...
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em on the national stage of public humiliation. Here now, since I've apparently got no choice as it's in my blood, are my ideas for some additional events to be added to next year's Texas Redneck Games. Enjoy, while I weep:
-The 100-Yard Wife Beat
-The Great "Y'all's Mom'n Them" Debate and Mud Wrassle
-The Ceremonial Lighting Of The Big Pile Of "Fancy Book-Learnin' Books"
-The Fart-Off
-The Twelve-Lap Shower Dodge (prize awarded to he who is stinkiest at events end)
-The 600-Yard Cousin-Fuck Relay (must have multiple cousins to enter)
-The "Why I Loves My Dog... Biblically" Poetry Contest
-The Free-Food-From-The-Government Speed-Eating Competition
-The 1200-Meter Immigrant Chase
-The Big Shit (not a game; we just all squat in a field and take a big shit while hooting as the eyes of our nation's media outlets turn to Texas and judge us harshly)
Yep. The Texas Redneck Games.
(sigh)
You know... I work really hard to do my part to convince people that we Texans aren't all a bunch of gross idiots who fling stuff off the back of a pick-up truck. I try to tell people at every available opportunity that we're not all "that way" when it comes to eating possum, say, or driving stolen four-wheelers through private property on the way back from an illegal fireworks run. I've put years of effort into this cause and, BLAM, it's all undone because a bunch of my fellow statesmen insist on participating in an "ugly butt-crack" contest, whatever the hell that might be.
So, fuck it. Fuck. It. If my people are all going to act this way, then fine... FINE...
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em on the national stage of public humiliation. Here now, since I've apparently got no choice as it's in my blood, are my ideas for some additional events to be added to next year's Texas Redneck Games. Enjoy, while I weep:
-The 100-Yard Wife Beat
-The Great "Y'all's Mom'n Them" Debate and Mud Wrassle
-The Ceremonial Lighting Of The Big Pile Of "Fancy Book-Learnin' Books"
-The Fart-Off
-The Twelve-Lap Shower Dodge (prize awarded to he who is stinkiest at events end)
-The 600-Yard Cousin-Fuck Relay (must have multiple cousins to enter)
-The "Why I Loves My Dog... Biblically" Poetry Contest
-The Free-Food-From-The-Government Speed-Eating Competition
-The 1200-Meter Immigrant Chase
-The Big Shit (not a game; we just all squat in a field and take a big shit while hooting as the eyes of our nation's media outlets turn to Texas and judge us harshly)
posted by Clinton at 7:17 AM
15 Comments:
...so wait, I'm really moving to this part of the world in less than a week? [sobs quietly]
Suppose I better come up with one, then: Lerlene's Meth Cook-off Kontest!
You forgot to implement this.
Just sayin'.
clint. man. at least you're not from oklahoma. in my hometown, they actually have an annual cow patty throwing contest. they actually throw cow poo. and then? they go to the bakery and order cinnamon rolls and chocolates fashioned to look just like the cow patties that they threw earlier that day.
alright, moxie, let's not trashtalk the homeland. now who's up for a noodling competition!?
I just consider everything South of Philadelphia Mexican territory.
yeah...and?
haha, that's right! i forgot you're from oklahoma, too!
i'm not trashing it, per se...i'm...just...never going to take a boyfriend back home during that time of year.
besides, it takes forever to get the right kind of passport to pass into green country.
Colleen... Man, Lerlene makes the best meth. You should be fine, though, in NO... it's mostly just gator-shootin' and swamp-divin' down there.
Lioux... Just trying to keep y'all on your toes.
Moxie... No, we've got that too. We've also got this one game (a county fair favorite) where you put a cow in a large pen that's been marked off into numbered squares, like a large grid. You pick a number and then you win money if the cow poops in the square you chose. We're a classy people.
Blythe... Doesn't noodling have something to do with fish? I think I saw it on Dirty Jobs.
Jeff... I think that's fair. We consider everything above Philly to be "The Devil's Playground" anyway.
Scott... Touche.
Clint! It's like we grew up in the same town! I, too, am familiar with the Cow Drop contests! BUT! I think I win because my hometown makes a big to-do of it...they dedicated a whole day to cow shit.
Wow, and people think Colorado is cow country.
This is also the reason I rarely visit my family in Texas.
Luckily I am not from Texas.
I can noodle with the best of em.
ok, blogger convention at the oklahoma noodling competition thingy that's every year if noodling isn't blog gold, i don't know what is. except everything i write about, obvs.
blogger convention it is!
oh lord. you just reminded me that i have to go back to oklahoma in october. better get my hick visa in order.
Clint- let me explain noodling. The first requirement is generally no teeth. Second, moonshine should be your spirit of choice. Finally you have to be willing to hold bait in your hand, swim in the dirtiest swamp/creeks that the deep south and Oklahoma has to offer, stick your entire arm into a hole/crevice/crack in the riverbed and wait for the catfish to bite from your hand to mid-forearm. This is the prefered and illegal method to angling in these here parts.
scott -- in all fairness, they're fairly lax about the choice of spirit. Propane huffing is now allowed, if not encouraged.
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