If You're Feeling Sinister...

I've come to the decision, as most men do in their late-20's, that it is now time for me to have a nemesis in my life.

Why, you ask?

Dunno. I'm bored, maybe? I've got it too easy? One of my closest friends is leaving New York for good in a couple of weeks and I need something to occupy my time? Any of those will do for a reason, I guess, but whatever the case, the fact remains: I need a nemesis.

So, here's what we're going to do: Today and today only, I will be holding auditions for my new nemesis here at ZFS!. Anyone is eligible; I'm completely non-discriminatory when it comes to who my nemesis is. However, there are some rules and guidelines that, should you follow them, will greatly improve your chances of becoming my most mortal of enemies.

So You Want To Be ZFS!'s Nemesis?: A Handy Guide

-First and foremost, you must hate me, C-dog, with the fiery passion of a thousand exploding planets. Not going to lie, it won't be easy; I am universally beloved after all. Nonetheless, you'll just have to try. Here, let me help you... You know watermelon? You know how everyone thinks it's the best food for summer and it's so delicious. Yeah well, I think watermelon sucks ass. Also, I think Rice Krispie Treats are gross. So there's a little fertilizer to help your seed of hate grow.

-It would help if you lived in the tri-state area. It's not a prerequisite, of course, but I do think it'll be a little more difficult for us to engage in a battles of the wits if you live in, say, Laughlin, Nevada.

-I'll probably just go ahead with referring to myself as Clint, Clinton or C-dog, but it'd be nice if you had a clever nickname. Something... evil-y, I guess. Dr. Wicked? The Sinister Shadow? Victor Von Vicious, perhaps? Oh, you get the idea.

-Oooh, a costume would be cool too. Again, I'm going to stick with the ratty clothes and soiled ball caps that make up my current wardrobe, but if you feel like putting on something with a little flash and pizazz, I'd totally be into that. Remember though: Summer is coming on full bore. Don't wear anything hot and/or restrictive because it won't be much fun if my nemesis is brought down by heat stroke.

-With rent being what it is these days, it's cool if you don't have a secret lair or anything like that. However, your address and phone number should be unlisted. It would be lame if I could just look you up in the phone book.

-You should commit at least one dastardly act per month. Let your own definition of "dastardly" be your guide, I guess. Um, don't... you know... kill anyone or anything. Because then the police would have to get involved and I soooo don't need that right now. Think along the lines of moderate, low-key dastardliness; shoving grannies around or sending me creepy, threatening letters. That sort of thing.

-Most Important Rule: Though it's perfectly acceptable for you to try and foil my attempts at advancement and happiness, you must never, ever actually succeed in your foiling. I do a good enough job of screwing up my life on my own, thank you very much. Basically, I want you around so that I have an excuse to shake my fist in the air and shout, "[Your Villain Name]!!!"

So, here we go... Let the auditions begin!