Zombie Fights Shark... In Chicago!!!

So, first things first, I want to extend large, fancily wrapped parcels filled-to-bursting with thanks to both Braden and Girlfriend for filling in for me while I was away. They both did a super job, and I'm happy to know that they've got my back, blog posting-wise. I assume that they'd also have my back in a bar fight (particularly Girlfriend; she's small but mighty), but as of yet that assumption has not been tested.

Now, my Chicago trip... How was it? Was there merriment? How about excitement? Did I find myself singing and dancing on a parade float like Ferris Bueller? Is there any deep-dish pizza left in the city after I'd had my fill? The answers to those questions and more can be found below in a post I'd like to call:

ZOMBIE FIGHTS SHARK... IN CHICAGO!!!

NOTE: The following will be presented in bullet point-style because I'm too lazy to string together paragraphs in a coherent fashion this early in the morning.

Pizza - Never would I have thought to call a pizza "slutty," but the one that I was served on Friday afternoon certainly qualified. Large, round, beckoning to me from the plate all hot and saucy, it's cheese bubbling as it enrobed the many, many toppings. Oh god, I'm getting a boner just thinking back. I'm sure that there are places in Chicago that serve a better pie than Giordano's but, seriously, I don't know if I could handle anything better than what I had. Like, if I were to eat a pizza that was a few notches higher on the Taste-O-Meter, there's a very good chance that my head would swivel entirely around the way owl's do when they're being creepy and then my brain would shoot out my ears like a busted water main. Just so you've got the full picture, here's what I had in (in, not "on") my pizza: Sausage, Pepperoni, Onion, Green Pepper and Mushrooms. Now, wipe the drool from your keyboard and lets move on.

Homeless - I've never in my 26 years of living in various urban environments encountered a homeless population as aggressive as the one in Chicago. And remember, this is coming from a guy who lives in New York, where the homeless routinely throw cups of their own pee at you for looking at them wrong. I had guys come up to me outside of bars and start jabbering while I was on the phone, I had very fragrant men follow me for blocks screaming that they needed to eat, I walked down a stretch of road near Millennium Park where I was asked for spare change at every single intersection for ten blocks!!! It was nuts, kids. My favorite, though, was a rough, pungent man who said his name was Squeaky; he helpfully pointed out where my friend Amy could find a Citibank and then he hewed close to us for three blocks, informing us that he was Chicago's premier (unlicensed) tour guide, and that he'd really like a dollar because he was, his words, "tryin' to get [his] ass a gyro." I gave him the dollar, but only because I was certain that he'd have followed us back to the hotel, to all the tourist attractions, and on to the plane home if I didn't.

Touristy Stuff - We checked out the Field Museum, where they've got the man-eating tigers that were the basis of the movie The Ghost in the Darkness, and we went to the Shedd Aquarium, which was just okay. Once you've been to the World Aquarium in Dallas, all other aquariums kind of look like the fat best friend, but it's still always cool to see a giant turtle and some sea horses. We hung out at the Navy Pier, which was basically a large mall with rides. Oh, speaking of, Amy coerced me into going on one of those swing-based rides where they (the swings) hang down from a canopy and then fly out about thirty feet off the ground when the whole thing starts revolving and tilting. Yeah, if the people of Chicago haven't seen a fucking terrified fat guy before, they have now. Also at the Navy Pier, we went on the big, famous Ferris Wheel. That, too, was just okay. It was very high up, for sure, and Lake Michigan is a shade of blue we don't see too much in the NYC area, but still... it was cold up there and it moved veeeeery slowly. The main event, for me anyway, was catching a game at Wrigley Field. Though I wish it had been a bit better of a game (1-0, Reds), just being in that grand, old ballpark with it's many thousands of blue-clad, screaming fans was an experience that will forever be etched onto the walls of my memory banks. Simply amazing and worth the trip just by it's self if you happen to be a baseball fan.

Touristy Stuff We Didn't Do - We didn't do the Hancock Building or the Sears Tower because, really, we've got tall buildings where I live and I'm sort of over that whole "grand vistas" thing. Maybe next time, just to say I've done it but, eh. We also didn't go to Second City because I realize that I've reached a point in my life where I can no longer handle improv comedy. Even really good improv comedy just leaves me as cold and uncomfortable as an Alaskan stripper. Stand-up comedy? Sure! Sketch comedy? Let's do it! Improv? None for me, thanks. You guys are far too energetic and I don't feel like shouting out a place, a fruit and a starting position if that's okay.

Hangover - Saturday morning was brutal. We went out drinking with friends and let's just say that the hangover that comes from drinking many, many Old Styles is just as bad as the hangovers that come from drinking any other cheap, region-specific beer you'd find anywhere else. Proud to say, though, that I made it out of Chicago without vomiting from the after-effects of alcohol. The things I'm proud of are sad.

Dunkin' Donuts - Seriously Chicago, what the fuck is up with all the Dunkin' Donuts? I counted over thirty during my trip, and that's just in the relatively small part of Chicago that I managed to see. A little excessive, dontcha think?

Public art - If I took anything away from my trip to Chicago, it's that you guys have, hands down, got New York beat in the "weird, public art" category. We saw two, giant glass columns with looping videos of close-up human faces on them. We saw a giant, silver bean. We saw a veritable forest of steel, rusty, tree-sized sculptures of legs pretending to walk around. It was all very... weird. Don't worry, I've got pictures.

And... yes... that should do it for now. When I get my film developed (because digital cameras are for millionaires), I'll throw some of the good ones up and you can all be bored because, for real, who cares about somebody else's lame-ass vacation photos.