The Food Network And I Are Fighting

Last night, while waiting for Adult Swim's blessed hour of Futurama to start, Girlfriend and I watched a horrible TV show about candy factories.

Usually this kind of programming is right in my wheelhouse; what can I say, I have a burning desire to see how Lemonheads and Twix are manufactured. However, usually these shows are produced by The Food Network, otherwise known as the channel I watch so much it's starting to get creeped out. The Food Network really just wants to be friends, but I want so much more. When I write my name on my notebook during a boring math class, I write it as "Mrs. Clinton Food Network." Sometimes, at night, I watch The Food Network while it's sleeping.

Er... anyway... The Food Network puts out great, inside-the-factory shows, often hosted by everyone's favorite OCD former-game show star, Marc Summers. His presence is a soothing, happy one that's laced with nostalgia and liberally sprinkled with winking, amusingly bad puns. He makes touring factories a joy and, thus, I occasionally also write my name as, "Mrs. Clinton Double Dare Host." Unfortunately, last night, me and The Food Network were having a bit of a spat. It insisted on showing reruns of Rachel Ray's 30$ A Day, even though it knows that Rachel Ray makes me itch. Not cool. If I wanted to watch a perky girl eat in fancy restaurants by herself while trying to stay on a budget, I'd just hang around the freshman dorms at NYU. So, because The Food Network was being "like that," I was forced to seek food-themed programing elsewhere.

I landed, out of desperation, on the doorstep of The Travel Channel. In this tortured analogy, The Travel Channel is that one girl (or guy) you keep around specifically for nights like these. She (or he) isn't much fun to hang out with, never gets your jokes, has weird personal habits that are at best mildly off-putting and always, always wants to talk about astrology after a few glasses of wine. But, because any programming at all is better than a blank screen, you deal with it, even though you hope to God that none of your friends see you watching.

ANYWAY, the program on The Travel Channel that we ended up watching before Futurama (which, if you'll remember, was what I was talking about originally) was called, I believe, Fun Food Factories. Or maybe it was called, Food Factories With a Ridiculous Amount of Unintentional Sexual Innuendo, Usually Said By Children, So It's Doubly Uncomfortable. Well it was something along those lines, at any rate. It was hosted by a severe, yuppie-ish woman who's taut, gleaming skin resembled the covering on an expensive, imported leather couch more than it did anything else. She sat at a booth in a diner-esque set (Hmmm... just like the one on Marc Summer's show; how interesting) and monotoned about the fun we were going to have together. She lied. Needless to say, there was no fun to be found at any moment of the show's duration. Actually, no, there was one moment of inspiration: Talking about some sort of candy or another, some sick-minded segment producer actually got a 9-year-old kid to say, and I'm not making this up, "I like to put it in my mouth and feel it run down my throat." I can only assume that everyone in the vicinity was immediately rounded up by the local authorities and hauled in for questioning.

Eventually, the time for Futurama arrived and I took my leave of The Travel Channel, falsely promising to call and making sure that I hadn't left any of my things lying around, necessitating a return trip. I know that The Food Network and I will eventually patch things up, because that's what you do when you're in love, so don't worry about us.

In conclusion, The Travel Channel is very lame. Though if they'd like to give me money in exchange for me writing nice things about them in this blog that, and don't mean to brag, is read by several people (some of whom aren't even related to me), then I'd be happy to lighten their corporate bank accounts by a reasonable sum.

Just putting that out there, Travel Channel. Or should I say, "Mrs. Clinton Travel Channel?"

Anyone...? Hello...?