I'd Like To Buy The World Some Jazz
I mentioned the other day that, this weekend, I'll be dining with Rich Folk. What I wasn't aware of, and what I just found out, is that we'll be dining with them at a... (sigh)... jazz club. But not just any old jazz club... oh no... we're going to Dizzy’s Club Coca-Cola. Because nothing says hot, soulful jazz music like corporate sponsorship. I know they're Rich Folk from the PA burbs but come on... this, last time I checked, was New York City. It may not have been the city that birthed jazz originally, but we've certainly had our visitation rights since then. Given that, I'm sure that there's at least a couple of places around here that feature real, non-soda-shilling music that we could all enjoy.
If "enjoy" is the word I want to use. Which, considering that we're talking about jazz here, it isn't. Jazz sucks. Or at least modern jazz sucks. The old stuff, the Charlie Parker, Louis Armstrong, Miles Davis kind of stuff... that's all just fine. But nothing tightens my chest faster, chills my soul chillier, makes me slip into a dead-eyed coma sleepier, than the thought of two hours spent in the presence of the kind of modern jazz musicians who would appear at a place named after a multi-national business conglomerate.
And it's not like I'm this all-fired warrior for authenticity or anything; I'm the guy who eats at McDonald's and considers Green Tea-flavored Snapple to be Japanese food. But, again... COME THE FUCK ON!!! If you're going to listen to jazz music, wouldn't you want to go to a place that plays jazz music the way it's meant to be heard? Gritty, raw, passionate and full of sorrow... all things I guarantee we will not find where we're going. We'll be getting mildness, slickness, comfortableness, all served with a bowl of "authentic-style" gumbo-type soup/food made by the most competent catering company that could be afforded given the budgetary restraints sent over from the home office in Atlanta.
Hopefully, this is one of those (increasingly frequent) instances where I'm just being an asshole and a wonderful time will be had by all. But frankly, I don't see how that's possible.
NOTE: I'd just like to point out that I got through this entire post, about Jazz music and musicians no less, without mentioning heroin. That is all.
If "enjoy" is the word I want to use. Which, considering that we're talking about jazz here, it isn't. Jazz sucks. Or at least modern jazz sucks. The old stuff, the Charlie Parker, Louis Armstrong, Miles Davis kind of stuff... that's all just fine. But nothing tightens my chest faster, chills my soul chillier, makes me slip into a dead-eyed coma sleepier, than the thought of two hours spent in the presence of the kind of modern jazz musicians who would appear at a place named after a multi-national business conglomerate.
And it's not like I'm this all-fired warrior for authenticity or anything; I'm the guy who eats at McDonald's and considers Green Tea-flavored Snapple to be Japanese food. But, again... COME THE FUCK ON!!! If you're going to listen to jazz music, wouldn't you want to go to a place that plays jazz music the way it's meant to be heard? Gritty, raw, passionate and full of sorrow... all things I guarantee we will not find where we're going. We'll be getting mildness, slickness, comfortableness, all served with a bowl of "authentic-style" gumbo-type soup/food made by the most competent catering company that could be afforded given the budgetary restraints sent over from the home office in Atlanta.
Hopefully, this is one of those (increasingly frequent) instances where I'm just being an asshole and a wonderful time will be had by all. But frankly, I don't see how that's possible.
NOTE: I'd just like to point out that I got through this entire post, about Jazz music and musicians no less, without mentioning heroin. That is all.
posted by Clinton at 8:42 AM
24 Comments:
It seems like these rich folk just disproved your first tip from 'How To Dine With Rich Folk' - "they are better than you"
NYC has some of the best restaurants in the country. What kind of idiot chooses one owned by a soda?
I know. Right?
Makes absolutely no sense to me... There was talk originally of going to Tavern on the Green which, yeah it's touristy, but still... it's at least a *little* more New York-y than the fucking Coke N' Horns.
Coke N' Horns, nice. :)
You're in for a fun-filled evening of the Kenny G. / John Tesh flavor of jazz. You might need some of that heroin just to get through it. I feel for you. Eeesh.
You would have to shoot me full of heroin (sorry, I couldn't go without mentioning it) to get me to go to Tavern over Easter weekend.
Also, isn't it Pepsi that has that stupid "Jazz" flavor of soda, with like black cherry and cream or something? Maybe this club is Coke's way of trying to compete? *shrugs* (these ideas sound so much better in my head)
Giggleloop 1... If we were at a real jazz club, I'd have no problem scoring heroin. Hell, they'd probably have it sitting out in bowls like bar snacks.
Jeff... Good point about the Tavern; hadn't thought of that. Still, I think it'd probably beat a night at Soda Tunez.
Giggleloop 2... Yeah, I've had those Jazz Pepsis and they are ass-nasty. Way too sweet. If they were really sodas modelled after the concept of jazz, then they'd taste like... wait for it, wait for it... HEROIN!!!!
I'd say that "all new! Pepsi H!" can't be far off, they've got to be running out of new and exciting flavor additives by now, no?
Wasn't Pepsi the one that did the "Holiday Soda" that was supposed to taste like cinnimon and cloves and Christmastime or somesuch?
Which, seriously, gross.
Duh, Clinton.
You're suppossed to inject and/or snort Jazz Pepsi®™©™.
Not drink it.
Why dont you take them to one of your favorite "Jazz Clubs" instead like The Delancey or Arlene's Grocery and when you get there just shrug and say "I dont know what happened, this used to be all Jazz all the time.... you guys up for some smack?"
Good idea. I might also just take them to Mars Bar to see how they handle themselves in a bar fight, or maybe to The Hole, to see if I can give them crabs.
An eight ball before dinner and everything will be fine...
I promised Girlfriend I'd be sober for this event. Which is why I should never make promises while drunk.
Holy Wikipedia, I have no idea there were so many varieties of Pepsi. Oh Crystal Pepsi, how I miss thee.
But sober just means no booze right? Looks like another great argument for heroin.
Giggleloop... Pepsi Ice - Pepsi with an icy mint flavor: Who the FUCK would drink that??? That's like drinking a soda after you brushed your teeth. Gross.
Jeff... Why is everyone trying to get me to do heroin??? You're going to have to explain to my mother why her son's a junkie, just FYI.
I just figured you've already watched all those junkie romance movies so you've done more research on heroin than me.
I'm sure there is a pamphlet I can pick up to help explain your new habit to your mom.
Just have her tune into Intervention she'll get the gist of it.
That's kind of what happened to me this morning when I popped a handful of my boss's M&Ms in my mouth, only to discover they were Mint M&Ms. WTF? Don't mess with a classic, people. Yuck.
Well, you know, Coca-Cola did used to have cocaine in it, which was like the official fuel of the bebop days. And on The Cosby Show, Bill used to always bring in these old jazz cats as the kids' latest great-granduncles and then they'd all go to the jazz club and smile and not appreciatively, and remember, Bill used to shill for Coke: "Have a Coke and a smile." Somehow it all comes together: Coke invented jazz.
Sorry that should say "nod appreciatively." As in heroin nod.
Jeff... Please contact your local hospital for all the pamphlets you need. Also, try to score me some pills.
Digital... Dude, I've watched that show! There's some fucked up people on that thing, fo' sure. We watched this one the other night that had this alcoholic woman on it; man, her drinking made me look like a teetotaller.
Giggleloop... Mint and chocolate I'm okay with. Mint and Cola... well, that's just disgusting.
Colleen... Oh god, I think you've cracked the code. We're through the looking glass now, dude. Be careful; if Bill Cosby steps out of the shadows and offers you some heroin, rrrrruuuuuunnnnn!!!
I'm ordinarily okay with mint and chocolate too, but when you eat M&Ms you have a certain set of expectations taste-wise, and I was thrown for a loop. I don't like to be caught unawares in my candy eating. :P
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