A Word From Our (New) Sponsor...
Got a bit of a good news/bad news situation here, guys.
The Bad News: I received an email last night informing me that ZFS! will no longer be sponsored by the makers of Ultimate Dumplin’ Schnapps due to comments I've made at various public speaking engagements where I likened their product to the seepage from a hobo's rectum. These comments were made in jest, as well as under the influence of at least two bottles of Ultimate Dumplin' Schnapps, but it seems that some people just don't have a sense of humor. I've had to send back all the unopened bottles of Ultimate Dumplin' Schnapps that I was given for free, (at a personal cost of over 29$), and they've cancelled my appearance at their upcoming Ultimate Dumplin' Schnapps Fun-A-Thon and Chug-a-lug Contest, even though I've already bought my airline ticket. Also, they've made some sinister, confusing threats about "comin' after the stuff [I] done drank alreadys." Their words, not mine. All in all, it was a good partnership and I'm sad to see it end. My liver, however, is thrilled.
The Good News: As soon as left the Mailboxes Etc. this morning, feeling a bit dejected, I was accosted on the street by a smelly, sticky man who had a business proposition for me, as well as a severe eye infection for which I urged him to seek treatment. While it looks like he's going to lose the eye, the business proposition turned out to be right on the money. ZFS! has a brand new, non-asshole sponsor!!! Though they're refusing to tell me the name of their company and, every time I try to bring up reimbursement, they seem to suddenly forget how to speak English, I think things are going to be pretty smooth sailing from here on out.
So here now, the first commercial from my new financial backers! Enjoy, and buy lots of their product, please, because they're threatening to "remove my knees from my legs" if sales don't go up:
posted by Clinton at 1:32 PM
7 Comments:
Congratulations on your new and (hopefully improved) sponsorship.
It seems like when one door closes another one always opens.
With a ritzy advertisement like that Cobblerdogs must be good!
Lioux... It's really a blessing, especially since I've always loved the taste of fruit and meat together.
Jeff... I'm told that their budget for this commercial was the largest dollar amount ever granted to an ad agency from the Ukrainian government.
Well, as soon as I find my grocer's produce/meat section, I'll be sure to support your new sponsor.
I thank you, my knees thank you, and when you bite into that delicious Cobbler Dog, your stomach will thank you.
I would try some Cobbler Dog, but my intestines fell out from drinking too much Ultimate Dumplin' Schnapps. As soon as the intestine replacement surgery is completed I’ll give it a go!
-Jew
Awesome! Yeah, that whole "intestines falling out all the time" thing was a real pain in the ass (literally; they fell out of my ass) during my tenure as a heavy Ultimate Dumplin' Schnapps drinker.
Well, here's to happier days!
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