Legal Advice
If there's anyone out there with a background in law, I've got a question that I hope you can answer for me. It's an urgent matter, so... you know... sooner would better. And, of course, thanks for the trouble; I want you to know I've never made a "lawyer joke" and I think you're all quite attractive, as well as the wings that keep our society's metaphorical jet plane aloft. "Hooray for lawyers," I'm often heard saying, and I mean it.
Okay, the question is this:
Is it illegal, if you've got proof and witnesses, to kill people providing that they are really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really annoying? Because the two girls that sit the next row over from me in my office are just asking for it. I'm an easy-going, whatever sort of guy, but even I have my limits... It's like listening to two inmates from the Staten Island Home for the Stridently Moronic talk about their Myspace pages for 8 hour a day. No, sorry, it's not "like" that. It "is" that. Seriously, I'm starting to feel like Dustin Hoffman in Straw Dogs over here.
So, lawyer-types, I ask you again, what are my chances of walking out of the courtroom a free man after I beat them to death with my stapler?
I eagerly await your reply.
Okay, the question is this:
Is it illegal, if you've got proof and witnesses, to kill people providing that they are really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really annoying? Because the two girls that sit the next row over from me in my office are just asking for it. I'm an easy-going, whatever sort of guy, but even I have my limits... It's like listening to two inmates from the Staten Island Home for the Stridently Moronic talk about their Myspace pages for 8 hour a day. No, sorry, it's not "like" that. It "is" that. Seriously, I'm starting to feel like Dustin Hoffman in Straw Dogs over here.
So, lawyer-types, I ask you again, what are my chances of walking out of the courtroom a free man after I beat them to death with my stapler?
I eagerly await your reply.
posted by Clinton at 9:14 AM
14 Comments:
I've got some pretty strong legal connections, Clinton.
And yes. Annoying people should be killed.
These girls make Judge Judy sound like a pleasent, rational human being.
I'm no lawyer but if I was, I would recommend that you get video documentation of the annoyance offenders. If they are half as bad as you say, no jury would be able to find you guilty after seeing that video.
My dad's a judge and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't convict you. Granted he's a family court judge for the state of Texas so I'm not sure how much that will actually help.
Jeff... Sadly, creatures of supernatural annoyance don't show up on film.
Scott... I totally forgot your dad was a judge. Um, can he maybe score me a gavel?
Hmmm...maybe you can document some of their greatest hits for overheardintheoffice.com? Our office has super loud construction going on today, but I think it's less annoying than those broads.
That's the thing... there's nothing even REMOTELY quotable from over there. It's just wall to wall discussions about either A)Myspace (as I said), their hair, or how much they hate their boyfriends/jobs/people in general.
Oh and one of them has a laugh that could put a dent in a brick wall.
OMG, Colleen!!!
Company, Inc. once had vinyl siding put on part of it's building JUST outside of the art department.
tap. tap. tap.
tap. tap. tap.
tap. tap. tap.
Every few seconds for DAYS!
It was totally annoying and I kept quoting Bill Murray®™©™ from Scrooged®™©™:
"Would you PLEASE!
STOP!
THE GODDAMNED HAMMERING!"
But yea. Those girls sound even MORE annoying.
My brother Justin just informed me of your question and since I am a lawyer and since I also hate annoying people here is what I can tell you:
Your best bet for walking out of the courtroom a free man after killing these people would have to be the termporary insanity defense. Unfortunately for you there are a few problems with that as of now. First, you have already expressed a desire to do so publicly and on top of that you have posted how you would do it on a blog, so that kinda rules out the temporary and insanity portion of the "temporary insanity" defense.
However, there is hope but it might cause you to do something that you are not real interested in doing. You would need to have a relationship with one of the woman for a period of time in order to declare her your "lover". Then you will need to catch her in the act with some other man or woman and then you can carry out your plan but must do so in the "heat of the moment". This may not get you off free and clear but it will really help. I know this takes a lot but it increases your odds of doing what you want a great deal.
Besides that your options are a little bit limited. Perhaps you could lobby your state or federal representatives to introduce a bill allowing for the killing of certain annoying office personel.
As a lawyer I am of course required to state that I don't suggest nor condone the killing of anyone, no matter how annoying or deserving, and I am not advising you in any way to do so.
Thanks!
Matt
Anonymous brother of Justin, That sounds like a lot of work. Who knew that killing somebody would be so difficult.
How many of you are thinking about killing them right now?
Be Honest.
Anonymous Brother Laywer Matt... EXCELLENT ADVICE!!! I will, of course, not go through with it (if only because orange jumpsuits aren't flattering on a fat assed man) but it's always nice to know my options.
Thanks for taking the time out of your busy lawerying to write me! You're the best of your kind!!!
I say that it's your moral and ethical duty to off them. Sometimes you've just got to thin the herd.
whoa, I never considered the killing of really, really, really annoying people to be something 'illegal.' I kind of thought it was just general civic responsibility, like picking up soda cans on a hike or fake-vomiting whenever someone mentions Star Jones, or jury duty.
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