How To Dine With Rich Folk

Seems that, this coming weekend, I'm going to be dining with some rich folk. They're relatives of Girlfriend and they've offered to take their poor, starving, grad-student niece out, as well as her drunken, shabby boyfriend who's trying to be a "writer" (isn't that cute!!!). Should be a fun time, or at least a time where I get free food and, really, isn't that all that matters?

Anyway, with that in mind, please allow me to share with you my tips on dining with rich folks. They will help you feel confident in any social occasion where you're among people who have more money in their wallets than you have love in your heart:

Tip - Remember, first and foremost, that they are better than you by virtue of the fact that they've never worked a real job, ever. You, on the other hand, worked in a movie theater and at a video store (or whatever crap job where you've held down a counter) and, therefore, are their lesser. This comes into play when you both reach for the salt shaker. Always deffer to the rich folk. Always.

Tip - Foie gras is goose liver and you won't like it. Your palate is not refined. Order the "frites." Those are french fries and god knows you like french fries.

Tip - Rich folk will not find your farts hilarious, unlike the vagrants that you usually spend your time with. Please, hold it in unless you're absolutely positive that it will be a sneaky, silent one.

Tip - Topics of discussion should include finance, your goals, the new line of Mercedes, and how good money feels between your fingers. Do not discuss "wrasslin," your Chevy conversion van, where to get some cheap beer or how awesome sex is.

Tip - Pinkies should not be held up when drinking; Rich Folk know they're being mocked when this is done in front of them and they do. Not. Like. It. Remember, they know how to have someone killed and make it look like an accident.

Tip - Don't worry about using the correct fork. They'll be impressed if you use any fork and don't just shovel food in with your hands.

Tip - They will more than likely want you to dance and shimmy for their post-meal enjoyment. Be sure to bring an extra set of "movement-appropriate" attire. Also, avoid pelvic thrusts.

Tip - No eye contact.

Tip - The dinner will be extremely boring because they most likely will take you somewhere fancy and dull that doesn't have a bunch of visually stimulating junk on the walls. If you're good at pretending, pretend that you're in a TGI Fridays. That will help the meal go by. If not, well, let's keep the drool to a minimum.

Tip - Telling the waiter that it's your birthday will more than likely not result in free cake. Besides, you should be getting free food anyway and it doesn't look good if you're greedy.

Tip - Your t-shirt with the tuxedo printed on the front is not.... actually, you know what... is it clean? If so, then it's probably the best you've got. Just tuck it in, please. Also, a piece of rope is not a belt. Use duct tape and color it black with a Sharpie.