Ten Ways In Which I'm Boring
NOTE: As I'm stuck here at the office until 8pm, I feel now is the perfect time to embrace the boredom that I'm currently wallowing in and take a little personal inventory of my own exceedingly dull qualities.
1. I'm concerned with my dental hygiene - I mean, not to the point that I bother to floss or anything like that, but I do spend an awfully large amount of my mental energy worrying about the state of my teeth. See, I inherited rather shoddy, cavity-prone teeth from my Mother (not that that's her fault or anything; genetics is a bitch), so I'm constantly standing gape-mouthed at the mirror, looking for dark spots on my molars.
2. I am uncreative in my bagel selection - We get free bagels on Mondays and Fridays here at the office and I always take, without exception, the sourdough bagel with scallion cream cheese. By ignoring the vast panoply of differently-flavored bagels that are at my disposal bi-weekly, I'm effectively allowing myself to never glance upward from the depths of the rut in which I dwell, thus dooming my breakfasts to run together in a never-ending wash of grey.
3. I want to be a writer - God, who in this city doesn't? I have a really hard time telling people in New York that I moved here in an effort to become a successful, published writer because so did everyone else and nobody cares. While it may make me a bit of a novelty back home, here it makes me the human equivalent of a nap.
4. I wear plaid pajama bottoms - They're comfortable, yes, but they're also what every guy on the planet is wearing when he's in bed. I feel like I should blaze new inroads in the arena of sleeping pants, but we all know that isn't going to happen. I can't even be bothered to floss.
5. I won't hang out if it's out of my way- If the gang's not getting together at a bar that's on my way home from work and/or within ten blocks of my apartment, then I'll be happy to look at the pictures of what a good time you all had, because I won't be coming. Also, if it costs more than five dollars for a drink, you're talking to a ghost.
6. My favorite food when I was in High School was Buffalo wings and my favorite food today is... yes... Buffalo wings - It's as if I haven't eaten anything else of interest in the last ten years. Oh sure, burritos have made a strong showing recently, and you can never fully count out cheeseburgers, but still... I'm a slave to my cayenne pepper lust, then and now and probably forever.
7. If my TV got stolen, I'd consider suicide - When I turn you down because the bar's not on the R Train, you can rest assured that I'm going home to watch TV. There's literally a bajillion things to do in NYC and I spend most of my time drinking beer in front of a movie I've probably seen many times before. My Netflix queue is a dealer; the contents of its red envelopes my drug of choice. Other than alcohol, of course.
8. I have fourteen interesting stories - If you've known me for any length of time, you've heard them already and our conversations now consist of bitching about work, the weather and how we should probably get some food because at least then we'd have something to do with our hands while we stare at each other blankly.
9. I check my email about 25,000 times a day - One of the hazards of sitting in front of a computer for eight hours a day, I guess. Still, there's no reason for me to check it so much, considering that I get maybe three emails a day that are of any interest whatsoever. Mostly I'm just a custodian for spam.
10. I've worn the same cologne since I started wearing cologne in Junior High - Safari for Men, by Ralph Lauren. It smells good and the ladies seem to like it, but what it means is that I've smelled exactly the same way every day of life. That's kind of like never changing your haircut or always wearing the color blue. Oh... wait... I've also always had the same haircut and, if you open my closet, you're going to find a whole fuckload of blue shirts.
Be sure to look for the sequel to this list, Ten Ways In Which I'm Exciting. It'll be up whenever I feel like it!
1. I'm concerned with my dental hygiene - I mean, not to the point that I bother to floss or anything like that, but I do spend an awfully large amount of my mental energy worrying about the state of my teeth. See, I inherited rather shoddy, cavity-prone teeth from my Mother (not that that's her fault or anything; genetics is a bitch), so I'm constantly standing gape-mouthed at the mirror, looking for dark spots on my molars.
2. I am uncreative in my bagel selection - We get free bagels on Mondays and Fridays here at the office and I always take, without exception, the sourdough bagel with scallion cream cheese. By ignoring the vast panoply of differently-flavored bagels that are at my disposal bi-weekly, I'm effectively allowing myself to never glance upward from the depths of the rut in which I dwell, thus dooming my breakfasts to run together in a never-ending wash of grey.
3. I want to be a writer - God, who in this city doesn't? I have a really hard time telling people in New York that I moved here in an effort to become a successful, published writer because so did everyone else and nobody cares. While it may make me a bit of a novelty back home, here it makes me the human equivalent of a nap.
4. I wear plaid pajama bottoms - They're comfortable, yes, but they're also what every guy on the planet is wearing when he's in bed. I feel like I should blaze new inroads in the arena of sleeping pants, but we all know that isn't going to happen. I can't even be bothered to floss.
5. I won't hang out if it's out of my way- If the gang's not getting together at a bar that's on my way home from work and/or within ten blocks of my apartment, then I'll be happy to look at the pictures of what a good time you all had, because I won't be coming. Also, if it costs more than five dollars for a drink, you're talking to a ghost.
6. My favorite food when I was in High School was Buffalo wings and my favorite food today is... yes... Buffalo wings - It's as if I haven't eaten anything else of interest in the last ten years. Oh sure, burritos have made a strong showing recently, and you can never fully count out cheeseburgers, but still... I'm a slave to my cayenne pepper lust, then and now and probably forever.
7. If my TV got stolen, I'd consider suicide - When I turn you down because the bar's not on the R Train, you can rest assured that I'm going home to watch TV. There's literally a bajillion things to do in NYC and I spend most of my time drinking beer in front of a movie I've probably seen many times before. My Netflix queue is a dealer; the contents of its red envelopes my drug of choice. Other than alcohol, of course.
8. I have fourteen interesting stories - If you've known me for any length of time, you've heard them already and our conversations now consist of bitching about work, the weather and how we should probably get some food because at least then we'd have something to do with our hands while we stare at each other blankly.
9. I check my email about 25,000 times a day - One of the hazards of sitting in front of a computer for eight hours a day, I guess. Still, there's no reason for me to check it so much, considering that I get maybe three emails a day that are of any interest whatsoever. Mostly I'm just a custodian for spam.
10. I've worn the same cologne since I started wearing cologne in Junior High - Safari for Men, by Ralph Lauren. It smells good and the ladies seem to like it, but what it means is that I've smelled exactly the same way every day of life. That's kind of like never changing your haircut or always wearing the color blue. Oh... wait... I've also always had the same haircut and, if you open my closet, you're going to find a whole fuckload of blue shirts.
Be sure to look for the sequel to this list, Ten Ways In Which I'm Exciting. It'll be up whenever I feel like it!
posted by Clinton at 6:58 PM
12 Comments:
Hmmm.
I wonder what a buffalo wing sourdough bagel sandwich with scallion cream cheese would taste like.
This post is kinda like a cry for help. I think you're screaming for a makeover, Clinton.
Now, I'm not saying that I dislike any of these facts; I'm fairly comfortable with who I am. I'm just saying that who I am is, in at least ten ways, quite boring.
You started wearing cologne in Junior High?
Is that something people do?
"There's literally a bajillion things to do in NYC and I spend most of my time drinking beer in front of a movie I've probably seen many times before."
That's the best part of living in NYC - even when you are just sitting at home, you are still in the center of one of the most exciting cities on the planet.
Cordelia... Well it's certianly something I did. I was quite the stud, back in the day. And by "the day," I of course mean, "the eighth grade."
Seriously, though, I was one of the first people I knew to start dating because I was very mature for my age. Unfortunanly, my maturity has pretty much been holding steady since then.
Jeff... Um, that's like the best way of looking at my life that I've ever heard. Thanks for totally validating my laziness, dude!!!
I too have had the same scent forever and a day... since sophomore year of highschool actually. BY Dolce & Gabbana, but they stopped carrying it at department stores so I have to special order. Ugh.
I dunno it may be boring but I sorta like hearing, "Hey Irish I smelt you coming down the hall." It is a "heady blend of tiger lily, coffee, vanilla, sandalwood, and cedar wood creating a sultry and seductive scent for the fashion adventurer" which means It smells BANGING GOOD.
~Irish
Guys wear jammy pants to bed?
1. I'm concerned with my dental hygiene - I go to the dentist every six months, without fail. A few cavities, wisodm teeth out.. nothing exciting.
2. I am uncreative in my bagel selection - cinnamon raisin, light Philly cream cheese... EVERY TIME.
3. I want to be a writer - But unless it involves baseball... I lose interest pretty quick.
4. I wear plaid pajama bottoms - ...that grandmother buys me every year for Christmas.
5. I won't hang out if it's out of my way- With a few exceptions I spend my evenings at the same three bars. Lucky's, No Frills, and Bobby V's. I affectionately call it the South Arlington Trifecta.
6. My favorite food when I was in High School was Buffalo wings and my favorite food today is... yes... Buffalo wings - I have ordered Chicken Fried Rice (no beansprouts or onions) once a week from the same chinese restaurant for well over a year. Never trying anything else.
7. If my TV got stolen, I'd consider suicide - I don't even like thinking about it.
8. I have fourteen interesting stories - I'm pretty sure I have less and one of them involves hanging out with Kelly Clarkson once before she was famous! Never gets old!
9. I check my email about 25,000 times a day - I am at one with my send/receive button.
10. I've worn the same cologne since I started wearing cologne in Junior High - You've got me there... I'm a cologne junkie. I have bottles I have used once just sitting in my bathroom. Current--- Burberry Brit.
I'm pretty sure I'm worse!
Irish... I wish that I smelled BANGING GOOD. I usually just smell LETS JUST BE FRIENDS GOOD. And also like a brewery.
Colleen... When it's cold out, this guy certainly does. If it's hot, then it's boxers only. Which is probably not a mental picture you want to carry around in your head all day, so, you know, sorry 'bout that.
Scott... Sounds like you're my kind of guy. And, by the way, I soooo miss Bobby V's. Brutal hot wings.
God i love scallion cream cheese, it's just not the same on my matza as it is on my toast every morning...
-Jew
@Irish And Jew:
BY is a signature scent. My friend Julie wears it. It's a scooch strong, but smells great.
They still make Safari? I wore that in high school. I started wearing Fahrenheit by Christian Dior. Since I wear cologne every day, once I am done with a bottle, I have to pick a new scent because I usually get so sick of a scent, I can't wear it anymore.
An interesting side effect of that is that if I smell a cologne I wore in the past, it immediately takes me back to that specific time of when I wore it. Like how Aqua Di Gio reminds me of the late 90's.
You should check out John Varvato's cologne in the black bottle. Smells like leather and gun powder [in a good way]. Chicks dig it.
Jew... That's why I'm not religious; it fucks up my breakfast.
Big Daddy... Well, I already smell like leather and gun powder, but that's only because I like to fire off vintage Civil War rifles in fetish bars.
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