Thursday, April 05, 2007

Junkie Romance

There are three kinds of romance in the world:

50's Pop Song Romance: This type of romance doesn't exist anymore. It consists of holding hands, exchanging class rings (or whatever the adult equivalent would be; watches, maybe?) and waiting until marriage before having the sex. Seriously, who has time for that? Sure, it's nice to hear Buddy Holly sing about being true to Peggy Sue but, really, we all know that Peggy Sue's going to end up breaking Buddy's heart and they'll both end up settling for people they don't really love but who are better than an empty side of the bed.

Modern Romance: We're all familiar with this. It's what we do now. Dinners, movies, staying in, going out, sex distinctly before marriage, etc. etc. Hopefully we've all either got this now or have had it recently enough in the past to where further explanation is unnecessary.

And finally...

Junkie Romance: As in, the romance shared between two junkies. We're talking shared needles, tying each other off, helping each other through withdrawals... the works. It sounds unbelievably skeezy, but think about; it so isn't. You're scaling together the heights of chemically-induced euphoria, hand in hand (or at least while lying together on a dirty mattress), and then you're experiencing the worst feelings a body can feel without dismemberment and you're doing it as a team. As a couple.

The reason I bring this up is because Girlfriend and I yesterday, while wallowing in our own respective lousinesses, watched the recent Australian film Candy, which is one of the best representations of Junkie Romance I've ever seen. This is not to say that it was a good movie; it really wasn't. The second half kind of meanders and it was very, for lack of a better word, "actor-y," but still... as far as examples of the Junkie Romance concept goes, it's second to none. In fact, the movie made such a case for the idea of being in love with a loaded bloodstream, Girlfriend and I were sort of bummed that we were not currently living in squalor, cooking up our lives in teaspoons and talking each other through "the shakes."

Not that we'd really, actually want to give up our current lives for that of the heroin addict. For one thing, I'm a total wimp about pain so I'd probably not be cool with all the needles. Not to mention the fact that withdrawals really seem like a bitch; I get super-morose and whiny when I have a hangover (see: this), so I don't think I'd handle the full-body crunch that happens when you try to get off the junk. Another issue would be the money. Girlfriend's one of those people that's ridiculously good with the financial side of life, to the point where she gets a little thrill every time she makes a credit card payment. This is not a mentality that could handle dropping a few hundred dollars on a powder to be shot into your arm as quickly as possible. Oh, and there's the whole morally repugnant, scourge-of-society, wasted life thing too.

Still... the allure is there. It's the same allure that comes with watching Leaving Las Vegas or listening to the music of Tom Waits. What a relationship lacks in sobriety, it makes up in fiery passions and a deep, richness of emotion. Of course, you'll both be ruined and probably killed by the addiction that draw you together. But that's the best, most romantic part, right? Dying together like a strung out Romeo and Juliet?

Well, no. Of course not. That's the kind of tragic that only plays in the movies. In the end, Girlfriend and I will stick to the romance we've got now; the one made up of take-out Chinese and Netflix and snuggles on Sunday mornings.

It's not heroin, but it works for us.

Though if anyone out there is a junkie in love and feels like sharing, please do. Clearly the stories are damn entertaining and we can always use some more. But... um... you know, drugs are bad. So don't do them (but if you already do, then tell the world!)

24 Comments:

Blogger Unknown said...

Wow, two heroin posts in 2 weeks. Are you trying to say something?

10:17 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Oh of course not, I just happened to have two things I wanted to talk about that were related to heroin come up within a relaltively short amount of time.

That's all. Nothing more to it.

Also, do you know where I can get my hands on some heroin?

10:24 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Hmm, this is the best argument FOR heroin that I have read all day.

10:38 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

I'm absolving myself right now of any responsibility should someone happen to read this and then go get hooked on the junk.

If I influnce anyone on anything (which I really shouldn't, because what do I know), please don't let it be heroin.

10:42 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Don't worry, you are off the hook for my heroin addiction.

My stomach problems from eating too many coblerdogs are all your fault though.

10:47 AM  
Blogger i like cheese said...

Sid and Nancy is my all-time favorite Junkie Love movie. EVER.

But I prefer the Netflix and Sunday am snuggles, personally :)

10:51 AM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jeff... Dude, you've got to lay off the Cobblerdogs. Eating too many of them will cause explosive anal dis... Um... actually, I'm not aloud to talk about it publically. But, seriously, stop eating them.

Cheese... I'm actually going to show Girlfriend Sid & Nancy this week sometime; she's never seen it. We're working on a Junkie Romance theme here.

11:14 AM  
Blogger lioux said...

I think I'm going to enjoy a Cobbler Dog®™©™ with extra cheese and mayonaise for lunch today.

12:22 PM  
Blogger Colleen said...

I knew a junkie couple, and have to admit, at the time I described them as being on a "romance rampage." Even at 25, I was so naive I don't think I realized they were junkies. The guy's dead now. They found him in his apartment after he'd been dead a few days. Not so romantic. I'm still friends with the other half of that couple, and she's been off the junk for years!

12:32 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Maybe Cobbler-Dog should market to the heroin crowd. Their slogan could read: "The second best injection you could have today"

12:34 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Lioux... You're taking your life in your hands, dude. Put the paramedics on speed dial.

Colleen... Yeah, that's less romantic. A friend of mine lived with a junkie couple in England and he moved out because their apartment kept getting "robbed," yet mysteriously it was only his room that ever had stuff missing.

Jeff... I suggested that to the creators and they said that "Smoke While You Eat" will be their only slogan, now and until the end of time. Then they asked me if I could score them some heroin.

12:43 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

Heroin should be the super secret added ingredient to Cobbler Dogs®™©™.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Already in the works. They're going to be called Cobblerdogs Deluxe and they'll only be available on street corners in bad neighborhoods.

1:14 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Are Cobblerdogs microwave-friendly?

2:14 PM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

My all time favorite junkie love movie is Rush. Love is such a splendiferous thing thing...when your on amphetamines anyway.

2:17 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jeff... DO NOT put Cobblerdogs in the microwave! The radiation gives them powers.

Digital Fortress... I haven't thought about that movie in years but you're totally right on. Going to have to Netflix that bad boy.

2:24 PM  
Blogger Digital Fortress said...

Good deal, a much more recent junkie movie you might like (if you haven't seen it already) is Spun. Brittany Murphy is in it and I'd share my needle with her anytime.

2:36 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Jeff... Dude, RRRRRRUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!

Digital... I remember when that came out, but I didn't see it. I'll add that too.

2:40 PM  
Blogger lioux said...

I think I just heard an EXPLOSION here at Company, Inc.

Someone should go and check on Jeff.

2:55 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

Don't worry, I'm dispatching the ZFS! Emergency Response Squad to the scene. It's a bunch of a fat, drunk guys with a box of Band-Aids and they are life-saving experts.

Also, they know where you can score some heroin.

2:57 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Please ask the ZFS!ERS to make that score before arriving on the scene.

The carnage here from the Cobbler-Dog microwave incident is catastrophic.

3:41 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

They have been updated on the severity of the situation, but apparently they've decided to stay home and drink beer instead of doing their jobs (typical ZFS! employee behavior).

Sorry dude, you're on your own.

3:56 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

I guess I'll just have to eat my way out of this cobbler dog mess.

4:10 PM  
Blogger Clinton said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

4:19 PM  

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