Not Been Caught Stealin'
I stole a bag of pretzels from Subway today.
Not, like, I thought I'd paid for them but I realized afterward that I hadn't, oooh silly me. No, I paid for my 6-inch Tuna with Jalapenos sub and then, while waiting for the friend I was with to fill up her soda, I saw the pretzels on their rack, saw that the guy running the register wasn't paying attention, and then I took a bag for myself. We're talking shifty eyes, suspicious body language, an omnipresent cloud of guilt... the works.
Anyway, my point is, I just realized that I'm a total scumbag. How's everyone else's day going?
Not, like, I thought I'd paid for them but I realized afterward that I hadn't, oooh silly me. No, I paid for my 6-inch Tuna with Jalapenos sub and then, while waiting for the friend I was with to fill up her soda, I saw the pretzels on their rack, saw that the guy running the register wasn't paying attention, and then I took a bag for myself. We're talking shifty eyes, suspicious body language, an omnipresent cloud of guilt... the works.
Anyway, my point is, I just realized that I'm a total scumbag. How's everyone else's day going?
posted by Clinton at 2:43 PM
25 Comments:
It saving money by stealing your side-dishes how you plan to pay for that DVR?
No, but you've got to cut corners when you hit the Pixie Stix as hard as I do.
Seriously though, I don't know what the hell came over me.
Free Food = AWESOME
Stealing is wrong, Clinton.
Lioux... That would be the upside, yes.
Jesus... You stay out of this!
It was probably the heroin taking over your motor skills...
If you worry that karma will get back to you about this you could always regurgitate the pretzels and leave them at Subway with a nice note.
I'm sure they'll appreciate it.
Eh, that seems like a lot of gross work. I'll probably just give a homeless guy a dollar or something. Or buy him some pretzels. Or some heroin.
Damn! Your selfless act will surely save your immortal soul!
Satan, you stay out of this too! Man, what's with all the holy icons around here today? Did I get a mention in the Bible?
Take THAT Satan.
Chances are good that at some point in your life there was rat turd in your subway sandwich so I say just call the free pretzels a good PR move for Subway.
Hey, nobody's lookin'...there's still time to build an altar to me and do some of that heroin.
Jeff... Well THERE'S a cheery thought. Thanks!
Golden Calf... I'm pretty sure that things don't end up so well for people who build altars in your name. Bad influence, you!
If a police officer read this post, could you go to jail?
You may want to consult Anonymous Brother Laywer Matt again for some more [free] legal advice.
My hairdresser told me she managed to steal a mop from the home depot by using the self checkout line. And that her dad taught her to steal seltzer and shit from the supermarket by just leaving it in the cart while you paid for everything else and then just put the groceries you paid for on top of the pilfered goods...
hope this helps!
-Jew
Wow stolen seltzer that is classy Jew. Remind me not to ask you for a rec when I need my next hair cut. Which would be now.
Clinton you should really feel bad. I stole a pack of gum once from Shop Rite and my mom found out and made me return it to the cashier... embarrassed the thief right out of me.
~Irish
Lioux... I'd really like to think that the cops have better things to do with their time than bust a pretzel theif. Not to mention the fact that, compared to what some bloggers talk about in their posts (rampant drug use, mainly), stealing pretzels is pretty damn small potatoes.
Jew... I'll have to keep those tips in mind, should I eventually decide to fully turn to a life of crime.
Irish... I actually do feel bad. I mean, not super-bad or anything. Still. A teensy bit bad.
It's probably more supressed anger towards the food network...
Oooh, you're right! I'm totally lashing out right now. I just want The Food Network to pay attention to me.
OMG. I love you guys.
When I read that the first thing that popped into my mind was, "A thief! A common thief!" in Betty White's voice.
I'm more offended by jalepenos on tuna than your thievery.
-Wife
What's weird is that I was at the Subway in Midtown that's OWNED by Betty White! Whoa!!! You must be psychic or something.
Also, jalepenos on tuna is yum-tastic.
"what some bloggers talk about in their posts (rampant drug use, mainly)"
Can you recommend one of these blogs? They sound like fun.
One D At a Time springs immediately to mind (it's really funny, too).
Thanks! I'll have to check that one out.
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