Five Things Clint and His Girlfriend Argue About

Dear friends, please don’t despair, Clinton will return! In approximately 45 hours he’ll be stepping off a plane ready to post the addictive bloggings of wit and whiskey that you (Yes, You!) crave. So stop your moping, cease your keening, and stop threatening to slit your wrists. No, Seriously, you have so much to live for…call a hotline or something.

Until the return of He-Who-Lives-With-Me I’d like to fill in with a segment that documents the intimate life between the lovable drunk and me: Girlfriend. Just consider me the methadone to Clint’s heroin; I’ll make the worst of your shakes go away, but you know you’ll be back on the junk inside a week.

The section is inspired by Mil Millington’s Hilarious book and is aptly titled:

Five Things Clint and His Girlfriend Have Argued About

1. Movies. In a stereotypical relationship both parties tend to veer towards different tastes when it comes to the cinema. She may like romantic comedies while he may enjoy action films, and it seems very normal. When Clint and I moved in together there was talk about sharing a joint Netflix account…If the both of us had made that decision the relationship would have ended. No, not ended as in break up, or even in a trashy public fight, but in a steel cage match where we had to use mechanic’s wrenches to bludgeon each other into wet, fleshy puddles. It’s not so simple as he likes Westerns and I like drama, it’s the comparison of a pretty mainstream movie-goer and Clinton who spent a considerable chunk of his adult life working consensually at video stores. I enjoy watching films that are released in Unites States theatres, and Clinton gets his jollies from watching Italian horror flicks from the 1970’s and other genres just as obscure. Sure, you could call my taste in movies boring and predictable, but after a while a girl just wishes for movies she could pronounce the title to.

2. Our first date. Little known fact: Clint and I met through Craigslist when I answered his ad. Yes! Internet Dating Works! However, C-dog proposed our first date over instant message while drinking and thus forgot. I only found out later that he broke our first date arrangement to go out with another girl…you guessed it, from Craigslist. I took the whole deal in stride, not because I’m a really caring and understanding person but because I will always have the upper hand in any fight:

Clint: You left the door open when you got home and the cat got out!

Girlfriend: Well, at least I didn’t cancel our first date because I was too drunk to remember it!

3. Crossing the Street. We live in Brooklyn and do lots of walking, but crossing the street is often an ordeal. Clint will stop if he senses a car coming, and throw his arm up to clothesline me before my feet leave the curb. It doesn’t matter if I have the right of way or not. In his defense Clinton will often say “I didn’t know they were going to slow down” or “You weren’t even looking” to me, but little does he know my genius plan of getting run over and collecting settlement checks for the rest of my days. First I get the money, then I get the power, then I get the women.

4. Soymilk. Soymilk is banned from the house. (TMI warning) Ever since chocolate soymilk was invented I was a huge fan, and every once in a while Whole Foods will have a big enough sale that I’d be seduced into buying half a dozen cartons. Not for any vegan or health-conscious reason, just because I like the taste. Embarrassing, but true but a gallon of soymilk consumed in less than 24 hours does terrible things to a person’s digestive tract. I refuse to go into more detail than that, but Clint has issued an edict that limits the amount of Silk chocolate soymilk that I can consume within a certain time span without being exiled from the communal bed-space.

5. Bathroom decorum. If you asked Clinton what his number one pet-peeve he would tell you about my incredibly serious infractions with leaving water on the bathroom floor. It’s true; I just called him and asked him what we fight about. So sue me, I was running out of ideas. And just like that a squabble erupted from four states away, because I should be allowed to track water around the house if Clinton is allowed to leave beer cans in the shower. I mean, it’s sooo déclassé to walk into the shower covered in Schlitz cans…it isn’t even imported beer!

That’s it chickadees! Enjoy the rest of your weekend, Clint will be back Monday! Oh, if you ever wonder why I remain anonymous as simply “Girlfriend” it’s because I teach at a public school and would never want to risk my hide. Here’s a shameless plug to my anonymous blog about teaching

Teach You A Lesson

--Girlfriend